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Why ‘Martyrs’ (2015) Is the Worst Horror Remake of All Time and Never Had a Chance

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“Horror [films] should be a space of freedom, a territory for experimentation. But what happens is often the opposite.” These are the words of Pascal Laugier, in an Electric Sheep interview regarding his ethos on his horror classic Martyrs (2008). His desire with the premier piece of New French Extreme cinema was to peel away from the conventions of the many horror films he had seen before. To make something transgressive and decidedly not “politically correct”, pushing the boundaries through the horrific elements of the genre to unsettle the audience and leave them unable to predict what was going to happen next. And it was and still is a genuine success in that regard. It was provocative enough to earn an 18+ rating by the French Commission for Film Classification, an anomaly for a country with fairly relaxed ratings.

So understandably, his reaction to the 2015 Martyrs remake was going to be beyond negative. While promoting his film Incident in a Ghostland, Laugier reacted quite memorably when asked about the film. It’s a movie he claims he could only get through 20 minutes of, with some more colorful descriptors for how it made him feel that I’m not entirely sure we can say them here. And can you really blame him?

THE MARKETING THAT MADE A MARTYR OF AMERICAN AUDIENCES

Hailed as one of the most unnecessary and poorly made horror remakes of all time, Martyrs (2015) was ambitious in its blatant rehashing. It had the audacity to market itself as “The Ultimate Horror Movie” in a now infamous movie poster that was set up at Berlin’s European Film Market in 2015. It was very cheap in how it got its viewers, banking on the shock and awe that the original generated to build a crowd. I have heard way too many stories of people being tricked into watching the 2015 version simply because it was the one advertised to them, horribly unaware that the 2008 version was an option.

With a prodigious studio like Blumhouse Films distributing it, it’s easy to understand how the remake got so many eyes on it. Which wouldn’t be so egregious on its own; had it been a shot for shot remake, an English localization for the subtitles-hating crowd, it might have worked. It could have even been a unique experience like Haneke’s Funny Games remake. Had it even just toned down the violence and recut to keep the original’s essence, I believe it might have found an audience; after all, a good deal of the film’s horror lies in what it implies rather than what we see.

But that wasn’t enough: it had to be rewritten from the ground up, and morphed into the most sanitized, most  unproblematic story of friendship and flat characters you might ever see in a horror film.

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GOODBYE TO (THE REAL) LUCIE AND ANNA

If you aren’t familiar with the plot of the original Martyrs, please go watch Laugier’s original first, and return here to delve into the SPOILERS AHEAD. It’s a waste of good suffering not to.

The story of Lucie’s tragic relationship with Anna and the mystery of the creature haunting her was one that, while maybe a bit predictable to some viewers, was nevertheless a perfectly acted tale of trauma. The remake version is regrettably only made toothless by Mark L. Smith’s treatment of the script; there’s no dead romance, and no tragic failure by one to save the other. Just two gal pals doing the wrong thing for the right reasons. Or right thing, given it flattens the actions the duo take in trying to balance the moral scales of Lucie’s home invasion that kicks things off.

It’s not enough for Lucie to succumb to her mental illness and take her own life, she has to be gunned down saving a child with Anna, survive, and then die through martyrdom later (but only in time to be rescued and get her happy ending). There’s no moral ambiguity to her actions at the beginning of the film, because the cosmic debt of hurting people has been paid by her good actions. There is no shock of seeing the film switch main characters halfway through and deny you the escape from its world of sorrow and sacrifice. It’s a long and boring ride through maudlin flashbacks and weak attempts to scare you.

ONE OF THE BLEAKEST ENDINGS IN HORROR HISTORY EXITS STAGE LEFT

And the reward for it all is the worst possible ending they could have gone for. The skincrawling martyrdom of Anna, flayed by her captors and sent into a state of telestic madness on the brink of death, is gone. It’s watered down to a painless-looking crucifixion that could have been an affair to remember if it had been done with any level of commitment to depicting how agonizing that barbaric kind of death was.

But here, it feels cheap.

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The finale looks and smells like one of those megachurch plays, trading in the uncomfortably sterile environment that the pseudo-scientific torture took place in for flowing white curtains and dining room lighting. It’s ultimately undercut of any nuance and existential threat the original had, instead going for the incredibly American ending of Anna running in with a gun and killing members of the cult (as we all know, ideologies and systematic violence are easily destroyed by bullets). If there was ever a point where it cemented itself as Old American Blandness, the antithesis to New French Extreme, it would be the pithy one-liner response Anna has for the cult leader Eleanor when she kills her with an action movie headshot.

“What is it? What did she see?”
“You tell me.”

Of course, after delivering that, she begins to succumb to her earlier gunshot wound, curling up next to Lucie. It’s a pyrrhic victory where the two women ultimately die together, both experiencing the sensation of martyrdom and, maybe going to heaven? The scene’s cinematic language sure does imply a happy ending, with the music swelling as Anna and Lucie are carried off into another flashback of their happy childhood together. And the crowd goes mild!  

THE WALL OF NOISE THAT IS THE MARTYRS REMAKE

Turning the quiet and unsettling affair of the Mademoiselle and her secret society’s insidious motivations into a noisy and unimpressive rescue was the pinnacle of what made watching Martyrs (2015) a miserable experience. And really, when I stopped to give the film a chance and find out if it had any redeeming qualities, it’s the first qualifier that bothered me the most—the noise. I can forgive terrible dialogue, I can even forgive lousy lighting. But the sound was a pivotal element that didn’t need to be sacrificed to tell a different version of the story.

Barring one piece of music that plays during a pivotal moment of Lucie’s suffering (when she faces “the monster” for the first time in the family’s home), the original film’s audio and music is perfectly mixed. It isn’t overbearing, it doesn’t try to force you to feel anything with overblown sound effects and a reused soundtrack. Even Lucie and Anna’s staggered breaths and painful reactions are at the perfect volume. There isn’t a thing out of place, with every movement and noise painstakingly orchestrated to make you feel uncomfortable. It is an orchestra of negative emotions. And that analogy is what really made me realize what the Martyrs remake is.

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Martyrs (2015) is bad pop music.

It’s too clean, it’s too loud, it’s underproduced at points and overproduced at others. It’s inoffensive, even with the same premise and many of the same beats as the original’s. It’s too deadened of its roots to communicate anything of value. It relies on trends and the climate around it to try and stand out, desperately grabbing at motifs it’s heard before and quashing them down into one-dimensional reenactments.

And like most bad pop songs, it never had a shot of crossing into people’s long-term memory as anything other than a faint tune you kind of remember. Instead of something that occasionally pops up in a retail store while you’re looking for jeans or in the supermarket’s frozen food aisle, you might hear it brought up in conversation. A streaming service will recommend it, and then just as soon as you gave an amused exhale through your nose (“like I’ll ever watch that again”), it will be gone once more.

Mourn Martyrs (2015), because it never had a shot to begin with.

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Luis Pomales-Diaz is a freelance writer and lover of fantasy, sci-fi, and of course, horror. When he isn't working on a new article or short story, he can usually be found watching schlocky movies and forgotten television shows.

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Is ‘Funny Games’ The Perfect ‘Scream’ Foil?

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When I begin crafting my reviews, I do some quick background research on the film itself, but I avoid looking at what others have to say. The last thing I want is for my views to be swayed in any way by what others think or say about a film. It has been at least 13 years since I’ve seen the English-language shot-for-shot remake of Funny Games. And I didn’t remember much about it. After watching the original 1997 masterpiece just minutes ago, I quickly ran to my computer to start writing this. Whether or not I’m breaking new ground by saying this is up in the air, and I could even be very incorrect with this: Funny Games is the perfect foil to Scream, and the irreparable damage it has caused to the slasher subgenre.

The Family at the Center of this Film

Funny Games follows the upper-class family of Anna (Susanne Lothar), George (Ulrich Mühe), son Georgie (Stefan Clapczynski), and dog Rolfi (Rolfi?), who arrive at their lake house for a few weeks of undisturbed peace. Soon after their arrival, they’re met by Paul (Arno Frisch) and Peter (Frank Giering), two white-clad yuppies who seem just a bit off. Who will survive and who will die in this game that is less funny than the title suggests?

I’ve made this statement about Scream time and time again. Before I get into it too much, let’s take a quick step back to ward off the Ryan C. Showers-like people. I love Scream (as well as 2, 5, and 6). It created a new wave of filmmakers and singlehandedly brought the slasher subgenre back from the dead like a Resident Evil zombie. Like what Tarantino did to independent crime thrillers of the 2000s and 10s, Scream has done to slashers. Post-Scream, slashers felt the need to be overtly meta and as twisty as possible, even at the film’s own demise. There is nothing wrong with a slasher film attempting to be smart. The problem arises when filmmakers who can’t pull it off think they can.

Is Funny Games Anti-Horror or Anti-Slasher?

The barebones rumblings I’ve heard about Funny Games over the years are that writer/director Michael Haneke calls it anti-horror. I would posit that Funny Games unknowingly found itself as more of an anti-slasher rather than an anti-horror. (Hell, it could be both!) Scream would release to acclaim just one year before Haneke’s incredible creation, so I can’t definitively say that Funny Games is a direct response to Scream, as much as I would like to.

Meta-ness has existed in cinema and art long before Scream came to be. Though if you had asked me when I was a freshman in high school, I would have told you Wes Craven created the idea of being meta. It just strikes me as a bit odd that two incredibly meta horror films would be released just one year apart and have such an impact on the genre. Whereas Scream uses its meta nature to make the audience do the Leonardo in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood meme, Haneke uses it as a mirror for the audience.

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Scream vs. Funny Games: A Clash of Meta Intentions

Scream doesn’t ask the audience to figure out which killer is behind the mask at which points; it just assumes that you will suspend your disbelief enough to accept it. Funny Games subverts this idea by showing you the perpetrators immediately and then forcing you to sit in the same room with them, faces uncovered, for nearly the film’s entire runtime. Scream was flashy and fun, Funny Games is long and uncomfortable. Haneke forces the audience to sit with the atrocities and exist within the trauma felt by the family as they’re brutally picked off one by one.

Funny Games utilizes fourth wall breaks to wink at the audience. Haneke is, more or less, trying to make the audience feel bad for what they’re watching. Each time Paul looks at the camera, it’s almost as if he’s saying, “You wanted this.” One of the most intriguing moments in the film is when Peter gets killed and Paul says, “Where is the remote?” before grabbing it, pressing rewind, and going back moments before Anna kills Peter. This is a direct middle finger to the audience. You think you’re getting a final girl in this nasty picture? Hell no. You asked for this, so you’re getting this.

A Contemptuous Look at Slasher Tropes

Both Funny Games are the only Haneke films I’ve seen, so I can’t speak much on his oeuvre. But Funny Games almost feels contemptful about horror, slashers in particular. The direct nature of the boys and their constant presence in each scene eliminates any potential plot holes. E.g., how did Jason Voorhees get from one side of the lake to a cabin a quarter of a mile away? You just have to believe! In horror, we’ve come to accept that when you’re watching a slasher film, you MUST accept what’s given to you. Haneke proves it can be done simply and effectively.

Whether you think it’s horror or not, Funny Games is one of the greatest horror films of all time. Before the elevated horror craze that exists to inflict misery on the viewers, Haneke had “been there, done that.” When [spoiler] dies, [spoiler] and [spoiler] sit in the living room in silence for nearly two minutes in a single uncut shot. Then, in the same uncut shot, [spoiler] starts keening for another two or three minutes. Nearly every slasher film moves on after a kill. Occasionally, we’ll get a funeral service or a memorial set up at the local high school for the slain teenagers. But there’s rarely an effective reflection on the loss of life in a slasher film. Funny Games tells you that you will reflect on death because you asked for death. You bought the ticket (rented the film), so you must reap what you sow.

Why Funny Games Remains One-of-a-Kind

This piece has been overly harsh on slasher films, and that was not the intention. Behind found footage, slasher films are probably my second favorite subgenre. As someone who has watched their fair share of them, it’s easy to see the pre-Scream and post-Scream shift. But there’s this weird disconnect where slasher films had transformed from commentary on life and loss to nothing more than flashy kills where a clown saws a woman from crotch to cranium, and then refuses to pay her fairly. Funny Games is an impressive meditation on horror and horror audiences. Even the title is a poke at the absurdity of slashers. If you haven’t seen Funny Games, I highly suggest checking it out because I can promise you, you’ve never seen a horror film like it. And we probably never will again.

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‘The Woman in Black’ Remake Is Better Than The Original

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As a horror fan, I tend to think about remakes a lot. Not why they are made, necessarily. That answer is pretty clear: money. But something closer to “if they have to be made, how can they be made well?” It’s rare to find a remake that is generally considered to be better than the original. However, there are plenty that have been deemed to be valuable in a different way. You can find these in basically all subgenres. Sci-fi, for instance (The Thing, The Blob). Zombies (Dawn of the Dead, Evil Dead). Even slashers (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, My Bloody Valentine). However, when it comes to haunted house remakes, only The Woman in Black truly stands out, and it is shockingly underrated. Even more intriguingly, it is demonstrably better than the original movie.

The Original Haunted House Movie Is Almost Always Better

Now please note, I’m specifically talking about movies with haunted houses, rather than ghost movies in general. We wouldn’t want to be bringing The Ring into this conversation. That’s not fair to anyone.

Plenty of haunted house movies are minted classics, and as such, the subgenre has gotten its fair share of remakes. These are, almost unilaterally, some of the most-panned movies in a format that attracts bad reviews like honey attracts flies.

You’ve got 2005’s The Amityville Horror (a CGI-heavy slog briefly buoyed by a shirtless, possessed Ryan Reynolds). That same year’s Dark Water (one of many inert remakes of Asian horror films to come from that era). 1999’s The House on Haunted Hill (a manic, incoherent effort that millennial nostalgia has perhaps been too kind to). That same year there was The Haunting (a manic, incoherent effort that didn’t even earn nostalgia in the first place). And 2015’s Poltergeist (Remember this movie? Don’t you wish you didn’t?). And while I could accept arguments about 2001’s THIR13EN Ghosts, it’s hard to compete with a William Castle classic.

The Problem with Haunted House Remakes

Generally, I think haunted house remakes fail so often because of remakes’ compulsive obsession with updating the material. They throw in state-of-the-art special effects, the hottest stars of the era, and big set piece action sequences. Like, did House on Haunted Hill need to open with that weird roller coaster scene? Of course it didn’t.

However, when it comes to haunted house movies, bigger does not always mean better. They tend to be at their best when they are about ordinary people experiencing heightened versions of normal domestic fears. Bumps in the night, unexplained shadows, and the like. Maybe even some glowing eyes or a floating child. That’s all fine and dandy. But once you have a giant stone lion decapitating Owen Wilson, things have perhaps gone a bit off the rails.

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The One Big Exception is The Woman in Black

The one undeniable exception to the haunted house remake rule is 2012’s The Woman in Black. If we want to split hairs, it’s technically the second adaptation of the Susan Hill novel of the same name. But The Haunting was technically a Shirley Jackson re-adaptation, and that still counts as a remake, so this does too.

The novel follows a young solicitor being haunted when handling a client’s estate at the secluded Eel Marsh House. The property was first adapted into a 1989 TV movie starring Adrian Rawlings, and it was ripe for a remake. In spite of having at least one majorly eerie scene, the 1989 movie is in fact too simple and small-scale. It is too invested in the humdrum realities of country life to have much time to be scary. Plus, it boasts a small screen budget and a distinctly “British television” sense of production design. Eel Marsh basically looks like any old English house, with whitewashed walls and a bland exterior.

Therefore, the “bigger is better” mentality of horror remakes took The Woman in Black to the exact level it needed.

The Woman in Black 2012 Makes Some Great Choices

2012’s The Woman in Black deserves an enormous amount of credit for carrying the remake mantle superbly well. By following a more sedate original, it reaches the exact pitch it needs in order to craft a perfect haunted house story. Most appropriately, the design of Eel Marsh House and its environs are gloriously excessive. While they don’t stretch the bounds of reality into sheer impossibility, they completely turn the original movie on its head.

Eel Marsh is now, as it should be, a decaying, rambling pile where every corner might hide deadly secrets. It’d be scary even if there wasn’t a ghost inside it, if only because it might contain copious black mold. Then you add the marshy grounds choked in horror movie fog. And then there’s the winding, muddy road that gets lost in the tide and feels downright purgatorial. Finally, you have a proper damn setting for a haunted house movie that plumbs the wicked secrets of the wealthy.

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Why The Woman in Black Remake Is an Underrated Horror Gem

While 2012’s The Woman in Black is certainly underrated as a remake, I think it is even more underrated as a haunted house movie. For one thing, it is one of the best examples of the pre-Conjuring jump-scare horror movie done right. And if you’ve read my work for any amount of time, you know how positively I feel about jump scares. The Woman in Black offers a delectable combo platter of shocks designed to keep you on your toes. For example, there are plenty of patient shots that wait for you to notice the creepy thing in the background. But there are also a number of short sharp shocks that remain tremendously effective.

That is not to say that the movie is perfect. They did slightly overstep with their “bigger is better” move to cast Daniel Radcliffe in the lead role. It was a big swing making his first post-Potter role that of a single father with a four-year-old kid. It’s a bit much to have asked 2012 audiences to swallow, though it reads slightly better so many years later.

However, despite its flaws, The Woman in Black remake is demonstrably better than the original. In nearly every conceivable way. It’s pure Hammer Films confection, as opposed to a television drama without an ounce of oomph.

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