Connect with us

Movies

The ‘Anaconda’ Franchise, Ranked

Published

on

The Anaconda franchise is probably one of the most misbegotten IP exercises of the modern era. The original is one of those bone-stupid genre movies that were constantly becoming hits throughout the 1990s. Like, it outgrossed L.A. Confidential in 1997. And I Know What You Did Last Summer. Ditto Jackie Brown. Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, Boogie Nights, Selena, Air Bud, and Event Horizon too all knelt before its grandeur.

So it was inevitable that Anaconda was going to get a sequel. However, that didn’t come to theaters for a full seven years. That movie was also a box office success. Nevertheless, the franchise sank deeper and deeper into the IP muck the more it thrashed around. At the time, the sign that your franchise was losing steam was that it started going direct-to-video. Think 1995’s Leprechaun 3, 2000’s Hellraiser: Inferno, and 1995’s Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest. And you wanna know what happened to Anaconda? It went straight to The Sci-Fi Channel. Friends, this is an even worse fate. However, the franchise’s jagged, clunky progress is what makes it so interesting. Like, even its impending 2025 remake is weird.

Ranking All the Anaconda Movies

Instead of a straightforward serpentine creature feature, we’re getting a meta comedy starring Paul Rudd and Jack Black. Like… what? In honor of this baffling series of motion pictures, here is a ranking of the original Anaconda movies. I won’t be including the impending remake. Or the 2024 Chinese remake Anaconda: Cursed Jungle, which follows circus performers fighting a giant snake. That also sounds deliciously weird, but I literally just learned that it existed while writing this paragraph.

#5 Anaconda (1997)

So, I have (entirely unintentionally) made Horror Press a home for my controversial opinions. But I have never been anything other than scrupulously honest. And look, it’s true that 1997’s Anaconda has its advantages over the other installments. It has the biggest budget to play with. It has the most star-studded cast (Jennifer Lopez! Ice Cube! …Jon Voight… Baby Owen Wilson!). And it was the only Anaconda movie to actually be shot in the Amazon. Later installments would sub in Fiji, Romania, Bulgaria, and Australia.

However, all of that is what makes it downright offensive that the movie is such a harebrained mess. Everything about it falls flat. Primarily because the titular snake looks exactly like a shitty animatronic 99% of the time. It’s deeply unscary. And the untested main cast is so effortfully trying to ground it that it can’t succeed at a bad-good level.

Advertisement

The only thing that comes remotely close to working in this movie is Jon Voight. He is delivering his tooth-gnashing villain performance with one of the most baffling fake accents ever concocted. It’s compellingly bizarre, unlike anything else in the rest of the movie.

Regardless, the reason I rate this movie lowest is because it has no excuse to be this bad. Yes, there are at least three other movies in the franchise that are cheap, bad movies. But there is something demonstrably worse about being an expensive bad movie. Anaconda had the resources to become something truly great, or at least fun, and it largely failed to be either.

#4 Anaconda 3: Offspring (2008)

And here we have our first SciFi Original. And not the last, unfortunately. This movie is just shamefully cheap-looking. The anacondas themselves are CGI monstrosities that look more like strips of rubber from a tire than menacing serpents.

However, basically all of these movies feature at least one notable performer. You know the type. Someone who isn’t exactly surprising to find in a schlocky movie, but who at the very least has screen presence. A recipient of a grant from the Joan Crawford Make-A-Genre-Film Foundation for Aging Actors.

This movie has two, namely David Hasselhoff and John Rhys-Davies. Frankly, their powers combined don’t get them within an inch of what Jon Voight was working with. But at least it’s vaguely interesting seeing them forced to face off against anacondas that have escaped from a lab.

Advertisement

Sidebar: The Anaconda franchise is really a haven for some of our most toxically right-wing stars, isn’t it? What’s up with that?

#3 Anacondas: Trail of Blood (2009)

The one Crawford Foundation star that remains in this SciFi installment is John Rhys-Davies, which kinda should be a demerit. However, this movie has its benefits. The anaconda CGI is slightly better than Anaconda 3, at least. Slightly. Plus, the plot is both tighter and more enjoyable. It’s a yarn about a mutant anaconda that injects a bit of fun into an already pleasantly melodramatic story. There are human-level stakes and engaging villains in addition to the monster mayhem. Not to the point that Trail of Blood resembles a real movie, but at least it has its moments. Plus, the final 20 minutes or so are a real humdinger.

#2 Lake Placid vs. Anaconda (2015)

Somehow, combining two dumb franchises that were separately spawned from two dumb 1990s creature features worked! Go SciFi Channel (which had become Syfy by this point)! Lake Placid vs. Anaconda is ultimately a little bit more than the sum of its parts. By the by, the snakes are fighting crocodiles in this one, not the lake itself. In case you were confused.

Of the middle-of-the-pack offerings in the Anaconda franchise, Lake Placid vs. Anaconda is the most fun. For one thing, it benefits tremendously from featuring the latter-era Lake Placid character Reba (Yancy Butler). For those not in the know, she’s a salty hunter who loves stabbing crocs in the head. She’s a hell of a good time. Plus our Crawford Foundation star here is Robert Englund, who always adds a bit of spice to low-budget nonsense. And I bet you didn’t think there would be a sorority initiation in this movie, didja? So the movie gets some extra points for throwing another subgenre in there, just for funsies.

#1 Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid (2004)

And now we’ve reached one of the few sequels in cinema history that surpasses the original. It retains the sexy cast and jungle mayhem of the original, but adds quite a few important components. This includes some comic relief that actually lands and a more intentionally campy story about immortality flowers.

Advertisement

One more thing. Now, keep in mind that I’m a bad person who is absolutely unmoved by animal characters who aren’t in Babe. So when I tell you there’s a monkey that I care about more than any human onscreen, that means something.

Brennan Klein is a millennial who knows way more about 80's slasher movies than he has any right to. He's a former host of the  Attack of the Queerwolf podcast and a current senior movie/TV news writer at Screen Rant. You can also find his full-length movie reviews on Alternate Ending and his personal blog Popcorn Culture. Follow him on Twitter or Letterboxd, if you feel like it.

Continue Reading
Advertisement

Movies

The Best Horror You Can Stream on Shudder in April 2026

Published

on

Shudder is still being coy about its Halfway to Halloween programming. Which means none of us know the full April line-up yet. However, that is not going to stop me from telling you what to watch on the app. I  have taken it upon myself to list five of my favorite movies on the streamer. These are movies I have not had the chance to gush about, as they are not new. Most of the five titles are Shudder Exclusives and/or Originals that are the reason I committed to the app. So, if we have similar tastes in films, you might dig some of these gems almost as much as I do. Get ready to laugh, cry, and sleep with the lights on because I have curated a very weird list of bangers you can stream now.

The Autopsy of Jane Doe (2016)

A Jane Doe is rolled into a coroner’s office, where he and his son soon learn there is more to this murder victim than meets the eye. The Autopsy of Jane Doe is one of the scariest movies I have seen in my adult life. It is suspenseful, wicked, quiet, and unassuming. This witch is serving mystery, immaculate vibes, and the kind of chills we never get anymore. While I usually praise the acting when gushing about this creepy banger, it is the unsettling atmosphere that truly sends me to hell each watch. Do yourself a favor and hit play on Jane Doe this month while she is on Shudder. You’ve earned a nice waking nightmare, and this is the girl. Also, can Emile Hirsch please do more horror because he’s so damn good in this?

Scare Me (2020)

Two strangers tell each other stories in a secluded cabin during a power outage. Scare Me is one of the main reasons I started getting the yearly Shudder subscription. I describe it as a weird feminist love letter to theatre kids because it hit all of those parts of my brain. It is a clever way to pull off an indie anthology and was surprisingly laugh-out-loud funny. Also, Aya Cash wears an iconic sweater in this movie that will become your new personality. I love Werewolves Within and Heart Eyes. However, I am always telling the Josh Ruben stans they need to check out this gem. Scare Me is for the nerds like me and you (I am assuming if you’re reading all of this).

Advertisement

The Dark and The Wicked (2020)

Two adult siblings head to their family’s secluded farmhouse because their father is dying. They soon discover their father’s impending death is the least of their worries when something evil begins tormenting them. Bryan Bertino screws with the rhythm of the scares, which amps up the creepiness of this terrifying tale. This movie also introduced most of us to Marin Ireland who is becoming a horror staple these days. This movie is a moment for so many reasons and I hope you remember to watch it with the lights off. Shudder fully snapped when they added The Dark and The Wicked to their library. There are so many disturbing moments that live rent-free in my brain, and I guess I am welcome.

Satan’s Slaves (2017)

Death is just the beginning for one mother. This Joko Anwar remake is one of the most chaotic things on Shudder. It is haunting, cool, and messy in the best ways. I take advantage of this movie and Satan’s Slaves 2: Communion being on the app and watch them back to back every year. If you somehow missed the Anwar fan wagon, you will want to have someone save you a seat for after you watch these movies. Satan’s Slaves is serving fucked up families, fuck them kids, and demons. What more could we possibly ask for in our cinema? I personally am still hoping we will get a third entry because I love this world so much.

Tigers Are Not Afraid (2017)

Advertisement

A girl joins a group of street children after her mother disappears. Issa Lopez’s tragic tale is beautiful, upsetting, and so human it hurts. She wove magical realism and social commentary into what was the first Shudder film to make me cry. I was in no way ready for this devastating emotional journey, and I cannot recommend this title enough. Tigers Are Not Afraid introduced me to Lopez’s work and what a damn good way to get to know her as an artist. Brace yourselves for some crying, and thank me later.

Those are five of my favorite movies that happen to be on Shudder. They are all over the place, but excel in their lanes. They each remain some of my favorite titles on the beloved streamer, and I do not see that changing soon. Let us know your five favorite movies on Shudder in the comments.

Continue Reading

Movies

The Best Horror You Can Stream on Netflix in April 2026

Published

on

Netflix heard it was spring and broke out the good stuff. They are helping us throw off that winter sadness and get into that death business. Suns out, guns out…or however that saying goes. To be fair, the lineup has been pretty packed lately, which has resulted in a bottleneck in my Netflix queue. Admittedly, that is my favorite of all of my problems I have at the moment. But still, I must push forward because there is so much to catch up on. This is why most of my picks this month are titles that also have homework for me. Some are international, some are horror, and some are gangsters serving face. However, I am excited for each of them and so ready to tell you why I think they are the best bets this month.

So, hop into my mind palace and see what five Netflix goodies I am checking out this April.

The Best Movies to Stream on Netflix This Month

Death Whisperer (2023)

A man returns to his hometown and discovers his sister is suffering from a bizarre illness. This sounds like a possession film to me, and I am finally hitting play. I looked up one day and realized there were three of these films on Netflix. I am not a huge fan of franchises, but I know how most streamers treat films from Thailand. So, this one getting a whole trilogy seems like something I can get involved with. It is also set in 1972 and based on a novel, so the horror vibes will be immaculate. I also found out this was the first Thai movie to be shown in IMAX, and that is a very cool fact. Hopefully, it is as good as I need it to be.

The Green Knight (2021) 

Advertisement

A24 adapted Sir Gawain and the Green Knight with Dev Patel. That is all I need to know to get me to sit at this knight’s round table. It is described as a dark fantasy, and I cannot believe I missed this when it came out. I am adding this to the list of things the pandemic took from me as I hit play. I might even have to watch this a couple of times…for research. Is that research looking at Dev Patel and bullying more friends into watching Monkey Man? Who can say?

Peaky Blinders: The Immortal Man (2026)

Tommy Shelby (Cillian Murphy) is pulled back into the life he left behind to end it one way or the other. I am using this movie arriving on Netflix to force me to finally finish this binge that I keep pausing. I do not enjoy being the last person to finish Peaky Blinders. So, I know I would hate not being one of the first people to hit play when it hits the streamers. Aside from thirsting over Murphy, this movie looks sick. It also gives my couch potato heart the promise of closure that I am not sure the show had the chance to give to fans who watched it in real time. So, this is one of those times being late works in my favor. Sorry to everyone who had to wait an eternity for this while I just hop into the express lane.

Re/Member: The Last Night (2025) 

Six high school students are forced to break a curse in order to escape a deadly time loop. Re/Member has been on my list since it landed on Netflix. It is a Japanese horror based on a popular manga about kids dying in a time loop. So, all those words lead me to believe this is my kind of party. However, I never got around to it and am so ashamed. Which is why I’m double-focusing on both movies this month. I hope they give me nightmares because that is the only way I will learn my lesson. I also just really miss horror movies that are actually scary.

Advertisement

That Night (2026) 

A single mother gets entangled with a murder, and her sister’s attempts to help backfire. This limited series is a Spanish Netflix Original, and it looks fun. Listen! I also firmly believe in supporting women in crime, and I get the impression this group will commit at least a couple of crimes. I am ready for some murder, secrets, drama, and thrills! This winter was rough and I want to feel alive this April. I am hoping that this might be the binge to do it. Wish me luck and I will see you on the other side!

I know it is no surprise that I will be avoiding the outdoors this month. However, I appreciate Netflix for making it easy for me. Why would I go anywhere when I have these titles at home? Thanks for reading my thoughts on all these things I hope I like. Feel free to let us know what you’re watching this month in the comments.

Continue Reading

Horror Press Mailing List

Fangoria
Advertisement
Advertisement