Editorials
Quaint & Badass: A List of the Bestest Witches
Witches – gotta love ‘em! Throughout our time on this plane of existence, they’ve remained the embodiment of female power and sexuality. Their spiritual ties to nature, and the darkness looming within or without have long attracted the gaze of fearful men and intrigued parties. Their stories are in the annals of history and comics alike. Burgeoning witches conjure spells in charming coming-of-age tales, while myths of elusive enchantresses capture the hearts and minds of men and their empires. And lest you not forget the old crones who lure naive souls into their woodland abodes. These witchy archetypes and their offspring have provided countless stories for us to admire and admonish, and our thorny horror-loving hearts hold a special place for many of them. As spooky season has officially commenced, let us take some time to celebrate the women of the hour. From quirky to unholy, these are some of the most beloved and feared – the bestest – witches in film and television.
In the spirit of whimsical listicles, I’ve attempted to arrange our witchy wonders from the quaintest of all to the biggest badass. You might have opinions, but play nice, or it’s in the cauldron for you!
Quaint & Lovely:
Kiki (Kiki’s Delivery Service): Before Uber Eats, there was Kiki. In Hayao Miyazaki’s 1989 classic, teen witch Kiki moves to a bustling port city with Jiji, her cat familiar, to grow as a young woman. She shablams her way down hundreds of feet in the air and eventually stumbles into a job at a bakery. It’s here that she’s inspired to use her magical talents to develop a business of her own. What could be quainter than a lil’ witch delivering goods around town on a flying broom? Typical of many youths, self-doubt overshadows her self-worth, and so her magical abilities and delivery business are temporarily stunted. Yet, as most stories of blossoming adolescence go, a harrowing incident leads her to rediscover her powers and yes, dear reader, herself.
Sakura Kinomoto (Cardcaptor Sakura): The Mega-Man of witches, young Sakura stars in the anime series based on the popular manga in which she accidentally unleashes a set of mystical cards and discovers magical abilities of her own. Each card grants its wielder a different power, and Sakura is tasked with reclaiming them before less wholesome individuals do. With themes of inner strength and legacy, the story unfolds much like the JRPGs of yesteryear. In a word, unique!
Mary Poppins: The Crown Mother of Quaint, some might question whether Mary Poppins is a witch. To which I say, look at the evidence. Her flying broom? An umbrella. Manipulation of space and time? Check! And like mimosas at brunch, her enchanted bag is bottomless. Miss Mary Poppins flies in from some unknown dimension of etiquette and laughs, and she changes lives. Her approach to child rearing is stern yet welcoming, and her infectious whimsy unwinds even the most uptight of adults. She’s the white witch of London’s middle class.
Willow Rosenberg (Buffy the Vampire Slayer): Somewhat of a live-action Kiki, Willow is the resident witch of Slayer Buffy’s Scooby Gang. A meek soul expertly portrayed with nervous curiosity by Alyson Hannigan before she met your mother, Willow represents the quiet kids and outcasts looking for a tribe. Throughout the series, she came out of the closet both as a powerful witch and a queer woman during the decidedly less socially progressive time of the late 90s. Despite a speedbump as the Big Bad of Season 6, Willow Rosenberg is a beacon of light for misfits looking to find their way.
Sally & Gillian Owens (Practical Magic): Sally (Sandra Bullock) and Gillian (Nicole Kidman) serve up midnight margaritas and murder in this 1998 mood. Bullock’s dorky charm and Kidman’s electric sexuality are lightning in a bottle as the unlucky in love and polar opposite Owens sisters. Descendants of a long line of witches, the duo must contend with the repercussions of a 300-year-old family curse in which any man they love meets a tragic end. Gilly’s longing for this forbidden love leads her down a dark and wild path, which ends in the accidental murder of her abusive boyfriend via belladonna poisoning. Their story highlights critical themes of female persecution and resiliency, and nothing screams feminism more than sending your resurrected ex back to hell with your newfound coven.
Light & Dark:
Sabrina Spellman: Perhaps the most famous teenage witch, Sabrina’s two very different TV iterations toe the line between heaven and hell, and appropriately place her right in the middle of this list. As the star of the family-friendly Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Melissa Joan Hart inspired the resourcefulness in kids everywhere as she navigated classic sitcom hijinks with a magical twist. However, Netflix had other, less quaint, plans for Sabrina, and in 2018 adapted Archie Comic’s take on the character with The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. They flipped the script, and this devilish take on our headstrong heroine examined dogma and morality’s grey areas along with your typical teenage woes. These witches worship at the altar of the Dark Lord himself, for Satan’s sake. Less fluffy, more Buffy!
Endora (Bewitched): A monster-in-law to some, and mother monster to others, Agnes Moorhead commanded the soundstage as Endora in the 1960s sitcom Bewitched. Quintessentially elegant and eccentric, she only wanted what was best for her daughter Samantha (the fabulous Elizabeth Montgomery), which certainly did not include Sam’s marriage to the forever befuddled mortal, Darrin. Her timing as a troll was impeccable, tormenting her son-in-law at the most inconvenient moments and always getting the last laugh. A mother’s love knows no bounds, and for Endora, neither does her trickery.
Lafayette Reynolds (True Blood): The lone male on this list, Lafayette is the ultimate icon of HBO’s southern vampire drama. He’s a gay, vampire-blood-dealing short order cook revealed to be a powerful medium with innate magical abilities during Season 4, which is a lot to unpack. It was refreshing to watch the late, great Nelsan Ellis peel back the layers of a gay character like Lafayette and embody him with such ferocious humanity. His performance kept Lafayette off the chopping block through all seven seasons despite meeting an early end in the novels the show adapts. And anyway, who else on this list can make calling someone a hooker endearing?
The Coven (AHS: Coven): “Who’s the baddest witch in town?” This brazen line, uttered by reigning Supreme Fiona Goode (Jessica Lange) as she admires herself in the mirror, says it all. American Horror Story’s third season thrust us into the witchy underworld of present-day New Orleans and includes far too many outstanding characters and performances to single out just one or two. Within the walls of Miss Robichaux’s Academy, we have the previously mentioned Fiona Goode, a (literally) soulless and power-hungry baddie, her ruthless understudy Madison Montgomery (Emma Roberts), human voodoo doll Queenie (Gabourey Sidibe), theremin virtuoso Myrtle Snow (Frances Conroy), and even Stevie Nicks herself. Coven has a little something for everyone, and watching these women battle it out for Supremacy is wicked fun. The ladies also starred in the only AHS sequel season, so you know they’ve earned a spot among the greats.
Vanessa Ives (Penny Dreadful): She’s the antihero of the hauntingly beautiful Showtime series Penny Dreadfulwho spins a web of both good and evil. A witch – and possibly something more – of this mortal coil who never fully understands her powers or herself, Miss Ives is plagued with deep guilt and sorrow for simply existing. This force within Vanessa makes her a magnet for the evils of Dracula and Lucifer, and, ironically, it’s through them that she finally knows her true self and sees God. It is a profoundly tragic character arc, and while hopefully most of us can’t relate to having Dracula and Lucifer vie for our soul, we all wrestle with our versions of the darkness within.
The Badasses:
Rita Repulsa (Mighty Morphin Power Rangers): She may be more of a joke than a terrifying force of evil, but Rita Repulsa is the most entertaining space witch you’ll ever meet. She emerges in full glam from a space dumpster after 10,000 years locked away and is ready for her closeup as the OG antagonist of the Power Rangers series. She’s got a killer fit complete with a Madonna-inspired cone bra, a sickening scepter that can transform her minions into threats of kaiju proportions, and bagged the ultimate space zaddy, Lord Zedd. All that’s missing is sponsorship from Advil, given her frequent headaches. Rita’s attempts at ruling Earth may fail time and time again, but it’s the thought that counts.
Winifred Sanderson (Hocus Pocus): Mirror mirror on the wall, who has the shadiest lips of all? Bette Midler’s performance as a resurrected centuries-old witch is a spooky season favorite– even if the movie received an untimely release date of July. It may be family-friendly Disney fare, but Winifred is a sadistic individual who tortures her victims and is hellbent on stealing children’s souls to reclaim her forgotten youth. She’s vain and petty with lips that would put Kim Kardashian to shame, and come to think of it; she also tyrannizes her siblings. Perhaps after Hocus Pocus 2, she’ll land a series on E!
Ursula (The Little Mermaid): Sea witch. Drag queen. Bombshell. The tentacled and scheming Ursula is a woman of many talents and cares not for the poor unfortunate souls who fall under her spell. She wafts through the trenches of the deep plotting to usurp Atlantica’s throne and tricks naive princess Ariel into relinquishing her voice in more ways than one. Ursula defines gaslight, gatekeep, girl boss: She’ll steal your voice, man, and kingdom. A special thank you to Ursula’s voice actor, the talented Pat Carroll, who just recently passed away on July 30th, 2022.
Marie Laveau (AHS: Coven): While the witches of Coven were considered one unit due to the sheer number of their ranks, voodoo queen Marie Laveau is in a league of her own. Angela Bassett brings natural charisma and attitude to the oft-fictionalized historical figure, and typing Laveau’s name into your keyboard will provide a treasure trove of reaction gifs for when you’re feeling some sort of way. Watching her butt heads with Supreme witch Fiona Goode is the stuff of legend, and a sequence in which the pair effortlessly take down an organization of witch hunters is classic AHS. Dedication to her community sets her apart from the devilish Fiona. Still, nefarious conditions in the fine print of her immortality pact with the underworld suggest Marie may have more in common with her rival than she’d care to admit.
Nancy Downs (The Craft): Fairuza Balk shines as the antagonist and star (sorry, Robin Tunney) of the 1996 witch drama The Craft. Nancy is hard to hate and easy to understand. In an iconic beachside sequence, she and her fellow Wiccans perform the ritual of Invoking the Spirit to reclaim their power after being ostracized and taken advantage of throughout their lives. Caving to temptation, she monopolizes the dark magics imbued upon them, and a black sheep becomes a true nightmare. Nancy gets messy as hell in a prime example of the adage “be careful what you wish for” – and that’s why we love her. With an iconic goth-chic lewk, a striking face, and a maniacal laugh, Nancy Downs has it out for all the men and women who stand in her way. Especially the men. Seriously, she offs her abusive stepdad and flings Skeet Ulrich out a second-story window.
Lilith (The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina): The oldest historical figure on this list; Lilith is Adam’s first wife and was expelled from paradise after refusing to live in subordination with him. She’s the original feminist, described by men since ancient times as a demon, succubus, witch…you name it, she’s been called it. Why so scared, boys? Michelle Gomez’s portrayal of Lillith, named Madame Satan on The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, is a delightfully twisted and comedic take on the mythological persona. As Lucifer’s second in command, she possesses Sabrina’s mousy teacher, Ms. Wardwell, to keep tabs on the prophesized young witch. Unaware of these circumstances, Sabrina sees her shy teacher suddenly transformed into a confident vixen, and the sexual innuendos she casually spouts will leave you laughing through tears. She’s evil, for sure, but in the end, this version of Lilith wants to dismantle Hell’s patriarchy and reign as its new queen.
The Incomparable Tilda Swinton: She is an ethereal presence, an androgynous figure who glides across the silver screen. She’s a changeling able to take on any form, be it the Angel Gabriel, Jadis the White Witch of Narnia, or an old man attempting to dismantle a coven masked as a school of dance. Tilda Swinton is probably not a witch and simply a talented actor, but that won’t stop her from topping this list as the most badass conjurer here. Her most vile role is that of Mother Helena Markos in Luca Guadagnino’s 2018 reimagining of Dario Argento’s Giallo classic, Suspiria. Markos is the self-proclaimed Mater Suspiriorum, an ancient witch and head of her coven who possesses the bodies of young women so that she may remain ageless. Depicted as a truly haggard old crone with the limbs of fetuses protruding from her own, she conspires underneath the film’s dance academy while waiting to strike at her next victim. You’d sooner vomit at the sight of her before you could let out a scream, and that’s a testament to Swinton’s power over the craft. We’re fortunate to experience the artistry of Tilda Swinton, and it’s always a pleasure to see what form she’ll take next.
That wraps up our homage to the wonderful witches of film and television. We’ve run the gamut from the quaintest Kiki to the transcendent Tilda and everyone in between. While often there for our entertainment, these magical beings represent more than a pointy hat. They remind us to break free from the shackles of society and find that inner power on our terms. So call the corners and march to the beat of your own cauldron because immortality eludes us all.
Editorials
‘Ready or Not’ and the Cathartic Cigarette of a Relatable Final Girl
I was late to the Radio Silence party. However, I do not let that stop me from being one of the loudest people at the function now. I randomly decided to see Ready or Not in theaters one afternoon in 2019 and walked out a better person for it. The movie introduced me to the work of a team that would become some of my favorite current filmmakers. It also confirmed that getting married is the worst thing one can do. That felt very validating as someone who doesn’t buy into the needing to be married to be complete narrative.
Ready or Not is about a fucked up family with a fucked up tradition. The unassuming Grace (Samara Weaving) thinks her new in-laws are a bit weird. However, she’s blinded by love on her wedding day. She would never suspect that her groom, Alex (Mark O’Brien), would lead her into a deadly wedding night. So, she heads downstairs to play a game with the family, not knowing that they will be hunting her this evening. This is one of the many ways I am different from Grace. I watch enough of the news to know the husband should be the prime suspect, and I have been around long enough to know men are the worst. I also have a commitment phobia, so the idea of walking down the aisle gives me anxiety.
Grace Under Fire
Ready or Not is a horror comedy set on a wealthy family’s estate that got overshadowed by Knives Out. I have gone on record multiple times saying it’s the better movie. Sadly, because it has fewer actors who are household names, people are not ready to have that conversation. However, I’m taking up space this month to talk about catharsis, so let me get back on track. One of the many ways this movie is better than the latter is because of that sweet catharsis awaiting us at the end.
This movie puts Grace through it and then some. Weaving easily makes her one of the easiest final girls to root for over a decade too. From finding out the man she loves has betrayed her, to having to fight off the in-laws trying to kill her, as she is suddenly forced to fight to survive her wedding night. No one can say that Grace doesn’t earn that cigarette at the end of the film. As she sits on the stairs covered in the blood of what was supposed to be her new family, she is a relatable icon. As the unseen cop asks what happened to her, she simply says, “In-laws.” It’s a quick laugh before the credits roll, and “Love Me Tender” by Stereo Jane makes us dance and giggle in our seats.
Ready or Not Proves That Maybe She’s Better Off Alone
It is also a moment in which Grace is one of many women who survives marriage. She comes out of the other side beaten but not broken. Grace finally put herself, and her needs first, and can breathe again in a way she hasn’t since saying I do. She fought kids, her parents-in-law, and even her husband to escape with her life. She refused to be a victim, and with that cigarette, she is finally free and safe. Grace is back to being single, and that’s clearly for the best.
This Guy Busick and R. Christopher Murphy script is funny on the surface, even before you start digging into the subtext. The fact that Ready or Not is a movie where the happy ending is a woman being left alone is not wasted on me, though. While Grace thought being married would make her happy, she now has physical and emotional wounds to remind her that it’s okay to be alone.
One of the things I love about this current era of Radio Silence films is that the women in these projects are not the perfect victims. Whether it’s Ready or Not, Abigail, or Scream (2022), or Scream VI, the girls are fighting. They want to live, they are smart and resourceful, and they know that no one is coming to help them. That’s why I get excited whenever I see Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett’s names appear next to a Guy Busick co-written script. Those three have cracked the code to give us women protagonists that are badasses, and often more dangerous than their would-be killers when push comes to shove.
Ready or Not Proves That Commitment is Scarier Than Death
So, watching Grace run around this creepy family’s estate in her wedding dress is a vision. It’s also very much the opposite of what we expect when we see a bride. Wedding days are supposed to be champagne, friends, family, and trying to buy into the societal notion that being married is what we’re supposed to aspire to as AFABs. They start programming us pretty early that we have to learn to cook to feed future husbands and children.
The traditions of being given away by our fathers, and taking our husbands’ last name, are outdated patriarchal nonsense. Let’s not even get started on how some guys still ask for a woman’s father’s permission to propose. These practices tell us that we are not real people so much as pawns men pass off to each other. These are things that cause me to hyperventilate a little when people try to talk to me about settling down.
Marriage Ain’t For Everybody
I have a lot of beef with marriage propaganda. That’s why Ready or Not speaks to me on a bunch of levels that I find surprising and fresh. Most movies would have forced Grace and Alex to make up at the end to continue selling the idea that heterosexual romance is always the answer. Even in horror, the concept that “love will save the day” is shoved at us (glares at The Conjuring Universe). So, it’s cool to see a movie that understands women can be enough on their own. We don’t need a man to complete us, and most of the time, men do lead to more problems. While I am no longer a part-time smoker, I find myself inhaling and exhaling as Grace takes that puff at the end of the film. As a woman who loves being alone, it’s awesome to be seen this way.
The Cigarette of Singledom
We don’t need movies to validate our life choices. However, it’s nice to be acknowledged every so often. If for no other reason than to break up the routine. I’m so tired of seeing movies that feel like a guy and a girl making it work, no matter the odds, is admirable. Sometimes people are better when they separate, and sometimes divorce saves lives. So, I salute Grace and her cathartic cigarette at the end of her bloody ordeal.
I cannot wait to see what single shenanigans she gets into in Ready or Not 2: Here I Come. I personally hope she inherited that money from the dead in-laws who tried her. She deserves to live her best single girl life on a beach somewhere. Grace’s marriage was a short one, but she learned a lot. She survived it, came out the other side stronger, richer, and knowing that marriage isn’t for everybody.
Editorials
Horror Franchise Fatigue: It’s Ok To Say Goodbye To Your Favs
I’ve come to the kind of grim conclusion that sooner or later we’re all going to succumb to horror franchise fatigue. Bear with me, this editorial is more stream of consciousness than most of the ones I’ve written for Horror Press. For those unaware, the forthcoming Camp Crystal Lake show spent a short period of time shooting at a beloved local North Jersey restaurant near me in August. This meant progress for the A24 project that has been radio silent for a while; it also meant no rippers while it was closed for filming, but who said Jason’s reign of terror would be without consequence?
When Horror Franchise Fatigue Becomes An Issue
My friends mentioned it on an idle afternoon, and I carried that conversation over to another friend later that week. It inevitably turned into what all conversations of long-lived franchises do. Talking about how far the series had come, how influential it was, and how it died. Or at least, died without a death certificate. Nothing will keep a studio from coming back to a franchise if that’s where the money is, barring legal troubles and copyright shenanigans.
Revisiting Friday the 13th: A Franchise Rewatch Gone Wrong
As I fondly thought about the Friday series, I was spurred to watch the films. I would watch it all, from start to finish, all twelve movies. Not for any particular article, though the planned process was similar. They’re fascinating films that were both helped and harmed by their immense financial success, so they were as good as any franchise to analyze the changes in. I would note the difference between directors, the shift in tone. How cultural consciousness changed the films as they went on. I would dissect them to see what was at the heart of these movies.
I got about 15 minutes into Part 4 before stopping my marathon.
Horror Franchise Fatigue and the Loss of Enjoyment
Now, this might sound strange. I liked The Final Chapter, I like pretty much all the Friday films (especially the worst ones). And I know that I enjoy them, not from some abstract nostalgia driven memories, but because I had seen several of them recently enough to know that. What it came down to was a very simple question of whether or not I was having fun watching them. The enjoyment was the point, but by the fifth day, I wasn’t feeling anything. I wanted to love the Friday the 13th films the same way I did when I previously watched them, but it just didn’t happen.
And I was confused, how a franchise I had enjoyed so much had just become so unmoving. It wasn’t the experience I had had before. But the truth was that experience couldn’t be restored, and that desire to bring it back was actively harming my enjoyment of the films.
Why Standalone Horror Experiences Still Matter
In contrast, I showed my favorite giallo film to some friends recently. Dario Argento’s Opera is a film I’ve seen plenty of times, and it was a big hit thanks to its Grand Guignol sensibilities and one-of-a-kind cinematography. As far as tales about an opera singer being forced to witness murders go, it got a warm reception. It was crass, it was odd, it was provocative.
And watching my friends’ reactions, from intrigue to disgust to enjoyment, was the exact kind of experience I was hoping for. It was a memorable experience that stuck with me as much as seeing the film for the first time did.
We Don’t Love Horror Franchises, We Love the Experience
It may sound ignorant, but largely, I feel we don’t love franchises. We love the experience. We love the feeling of seeing something come together over the course of hours, the novelty of characters growing and changing if it’s allowed by the scripts. The special emotion invoked when you spend so much time with a piece of media; it’s the same emotion that gets you hooked on a good TV show.
Now for some of you, this is splitting hairs. But I think the core of this is important to recognize: the franchise is just a vessel for the experiences the media provides. It’s shorthand for what you’ve felt and how you feel, a signifier rather than what’s really being signified. The Friday, and Nightmare, and Halloween “series”, as concepts are abstract enough to mean a million different things to a million different viewers, but at the end of the day they are all a collection of viewing experiences to someone.
Fan Culture, Shared Horror Memories, and Closure
Those experiences are the core of “fan culture”. We love how our experiences link with those of others, registering flashes of recognition at a turn of phrase or a reference to a scene. That nebulous tangling of thoughts and feelings with other people is at the essence of shared enjoyment. And if you’re lucky enough, we love to see the book close on a franchise. To see a film series end, having completed its journey is a reward of its own.
But unfortunately, we often don’t get the privilege of watching a series end gracefully or even end at all. The Halloween series and The Exorcist series with their latest entries are obvious examples, and they’ve put the two franchises at arm’s length for me. But they’re far from the only ones.
Scream, Legacy Characters, and the Cost of Overextension
I especially don’t think I can return to the Scream films for a good long while. Putting aside the absolute trash fire made by Spyglass Entertainment firing its lead, then rushing a 7th film so badly they lost the Radio Silence team, I had already tapped out the minute I had heard the film’s premise. If there ever was a horror protagonist who should have stayed retired, it was Sidney Prescott.
All respect to Neve Campbell for finally getting her paycheck, but I can’t think of something less appealing than Sidney coming back. I’ve always been a Scream 3 purist, so I firmly believe that she shouldn’t have been in any of the films after that. She had gotten her happy ending, and left horror as one of the greatest of all time.
But then dangling a legacy character of that significance over a shallow inflatable pool for a third time, and treating it as shark infested waters, just feels ridiculous. The trailer that dropped for it did very little to assuage the notion that it would be anything but predictable.
This isn’t to say I’ve written off Scream entirely, but familiarity in this case has bred some level of contempt. I can identify pretty clearly what I loved about the experience that the Scream franchise used to offer, and this is not it. It’s made me more or less sulky about what it has to offer now; that is, very little of the novelty and shock factor I loved it for.
Why It’s Okay to Walk Away From Horror Franchises You Love
All of these thoughts and encounters led to a series of questions I kept revolving through. Why do we play a game of loyalty to something so abstract as “the franchise”? Is the collection of experiences we attach to a series supposed to be an emotional wage we’re paid to stick around? Is that payment enough? Why should we keep watching a series if we’ve fallen out of love with what it has to offer?
I know as much as you do that the answer to that last question is “we shouldn’t”, and yet we still do. For those of us who have fallen into a similar pessimistic state about the franchises we enjoy, I guess this is all just a way of stating the obvious: it’s okay to leave a series behind. If it’s not fun or engaging or challenging, you can and should set it aside, at least temporarily. While I’m not a proponent of killing fond memories or condemning all nostalgia, that’s just the problem: I want to feel something more than I want to remember that feeling.
Choosing New Horror Over Nostalgia
The old experience of media we once loved can be nice, but there are more new experiences out there than we can have in a single lifetime. We have a near infinite amount to choose from. So, if we’re fortunate, one of them belongs to a series we love, and we can enjoy it once more. But for those of us who don’t have that luck, consider this a reminder that there is a lot more than these familiar faces to see. Next time you feel down about a series you miss or find yourself unable to continue watching, reach for something new. Something odd. Something you haven’t seen. It might just help.
Happy watching, horror fans.




