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Quaint & Badass: A List of the Bestest Witches

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Witches – gotta love ‘em! Throughout our time on this plane of existence, they’ve remained the embodiment of female power and sexuality. Their spiritual ties to nature, and the darkness looming within or without have long attracted the gaze of fearful men and intrigued parties. Their stories are in the annals of history and comics alike. Burgeoning witches conjure spells in charming coming-of-age tales, while myths of elusive enchantresses capture the hearts and minds of men and their empires. And lest you not forget the old crones who lure naive souls into their woodland abodes. These witchy archetypes and their offspring have provided countless stories for us to admire and admonish, and our thorny horror-loving hearts hold a special place for many of them. As spooky season has officially commenced, let us take some time to celebrate the women of the hour. From quirky to unholy, these are some of the most beloved and feared – the bestest – witches in film and television.

In the spirit of whimsical listicles, I’ve attempted to arrange our witchy wonders from the quaintest of all to the biggest badass. You might have opinions, but play nice, or it’s in the cauldron for you!

Quaint & Lovely:

Kiki (Kiki’s Delivery Service): Before Uber Eats, there was Kiki. In Hayao Miyazaki’s 1989 classic, teen witch Kiki moves to a bustling port city with Jiji, her cat familiar, to grow as a young woman. She shablams her way down hundreds of feet in the air and eventually stumbles into a job at a bakery. It’s here that she’s inspired to use her magical talents to develop a business of her own. What could be quainter than a lil’ witch delivering goods around town on a flying broom? Typical of many youths, self-doubt overshadows her self-worth, and so her magical abilities and delivery business are temporarily stunted. Yet, as most stories of blossoming adolescence go, a harrowing incident leads her to rediscover her powers and yes, dear reader, herself.

Sakura Kinomoto (Cardcaptor Sakura): The Mega-Man of witches, young Sakura stars in the anime series based on the popular manga in which she accidentally unleashes a set of mystical cards and discovers magical abilities of her own. Each card grants its wielder a different power, and Sakura is tasked with reclaiming them before less wholesome individuals do. With themes of inner strength and legacy, the story unfolds much like the JRPGs of yesteryear. In a word, unique!

Mary Poppins: The Crown Mother of Quaint, some might question whether Mary Poppins is a witch. To which I say, look at the evidence. Her flying broom? An umbrella. Manipulation of space and time? Check! And like mimosas at brunch, her enchanted bag is bottomless. Miss Mary Poppins flies in from some unknown dimension of etiquette and laughs, and she changes lives. Her approach to child rearing is stern yet welcoming, and her infectious whimsy unwinds even the most uptight of adults. She’s the white witch of London’s middle class.

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Willow Rosenberg (Buffy the Vampire Slayer): Somewhat of a live-action Kiki, Willow is the resident witch of Slayer Buffy’s Scooby Gang. A meek soul expertly portrayed with nervous curiosity by Alyson Hannigan before she met your mother, Willow represents the quiet kids and outcasts looking for a tribe. Throughout the series, she came out of the closet both as a powerful witch and a queer woman during the decidedly less socially progressive time of the late 90s. Despite a speedbump as the Big Bad of Season 6, Willow Rosenberg is a beacon of light for misfits looking to find their way.

Sally & Gillian Owens (Practical Magic): Sally (Sandra Bullock) and Gillian (Nicole Kidman) serve up midnight margaritas and murder in this 1998 mood. Bullock’s dorky charm and Kidman’s electric sexuality are lightning in a bottle as the unlucky in love and polar opposite Owens sisters. Descendants of a long line of witches, the duo must contend with the repercussions of a 300-year-old family curse in which any man they love meets a tragic end. Gilly’s longing for this forbidden love leads her down a dark and wild path, which ends in the accidental murder of her abusive boyfriend via belladonna poisoning. Their story highlights critical themes of female persecution and resiliency, and nothing screams feminism more than sending your resurrected ex back to hell with your newfound coven.

Light & Dark:

Sabrina Spellman: Perhaps the most famous teenage witch, Sabrina’s two very different TV iterations toe the line between heaven and hell, and appropriately place her right in the middle of this list. As the star of the family-friendly Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Melissa Joan Hart inspired the resourcefulness in kids everywhere as she navigated classic sitcom hijinks with a magical twist. However, Netflix had other, less quaint, plans for Sabrina, and in 2018 adapted Archie Comic’s take on the character with The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. They flipped the script, and this devilish take on our headstrong heroine examined dogma and morality’s grey areas along with your typical teenage woes. These witches worship at the altar of the Dark Lord himself, for Satan’s sake. Less fluffy, more Buffy!

Endora (Bewitched): A monster-in-law to some, and mother monster to others, Agnes Moorhead commanded the soundstage as Endora in the 1960s sitcom Bewitched. Quintessentially elegant and eccentric, she only wanted what was best for her daughter Samantha (the fabulous Elizabeth Montgomery), which certainly did not include Sam’s marriage to the forever befuddled mortal, Darrin. Her timing as a troll was impeccable, tormenting her son-in-law at the most inconvenient moments and always getting the last laugh. A mother’s love knows no bounds, and for Endora, neither does her trickery.

Lafayette Reynolds (True Blood): The lone male on this list, Lafayette is the ultimate icon of HBO’s southern vampire drama. He’s a gay, vampire-blood-dealing short order cook revealed to be a powerful medium with innate magical abilities during Season 4, which is a lot to unpack. It was refreshing to watch the late, great Nelsan Ellis peel back the layers of a gay character like Lafayette and embody him with such ferocious humanity. His performance kept Lafayette off the chopping block through all seven seasons despite meeting an early end in the novels the show adapts. And anyway, who else on this list can make calling someone a hooker endearing?

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The Coven (AHS: Coven): “Who’s the baddest witch in town?” This brazen line, uttered by reigning Supreme Fiona Goode (Jessica Lange) as she admires herself in the mirror, says it all. American Horror Story’s third season thrust us into the witchy underworld of present-day New Orleans and includes far too many outstanding characters and performances to single out just one or two. Within the walls of Miss Robichaux’s Academy, we have the previously mentioned Fiona Goode, a (literally) soulless and power-hungry baddie, her ruthless understudy Madison Montgomery (Emma Roberts), human voodoo doll Queenie (Gabourey Sidibe), theremin virtuoso Myrtle Snow (Frances Conroy), and even Stevie Nicks herself. Coven has a little something for everyone, and watching these women battle it out for Supremacy is wicked fun. The ladies also starred in the only AHS sequel season, so you know they’ve earned a spot among the greats.

Vanessa Ives (Penny Dreadful): She’s the antihero of the hauntingly beautiful Showtime series Penny Dreadfulwho spins a web of both good and evil. A witch – and possibly something more – of this mortal coil who never fully understands her powers or herself, Miss Ives is plagued with deep guilt and sorrow for simply existing. This force within Vanessa makes her a magnet for the evils of Dracula and Lucifer, and, ironically, it’s through them that she finally knows her true self and sees God. It is a profoundly tragic character arc, and while hopefully most of us can’t relate to having Dracula and Lucifer vie for our soul, we all wrestle with our versions of the darkness within.

The Badasses:

Rita Repulsa (Mighty Morphin Power Rangers): She may be more of a joke than a terrifying force of evil, but Rita Repulsa is the most entertaining space witch you’ll ever meet. She emerges in full glam from a space dumpster after 10,000 years locked away and is ready for her closeup as the OG antagonist of the Power Rangers series. She’s got a killer fit complete with a Madonna-inspired cone bra, a sickening scepter that can transform her minions into threats of kaiju proportions, and bagged the ultimate space zaddy, Lord Zedd. All that’s missing is sponsorship from Advil, given her frequent headaches. Rita’s attempts at ruling Earth may fail time and time again, but it’s the thought that counts.

Winifred Sanderson (Hocus Pocus): Mirror mirror on the wall, who has the shadiest lips of all? Bette Midler’s performance as a resurrected centuries-old witch is a spooky season favorite– even if the movie received an untimely release date of July. It may be family-friendly Disney fare, but Winifred is a sadistic individual who tortures her victims and is hellbent on stealing children’s souls to reclaim her forgotten youth. She’s vain and petty with lips that would put Kim Kardashian to shame, and come to think of it; she also tyrannizes her siblings. Perhaps after Hocus Pocus 2, she’ll land a series on E!

Ursula (The Little Mermaid): Sea witch. Drag queen. Bombshell. The tentacled and scheming Ursula is a woman of many talents and cares not for the poor unfortunate souls who fall under her spell. She wafts through the trenches of the deep plotting to usurp Atlantica’s throne and tricks naive princess Ariel into relinquishing her voice in more ways than one. Ursula defines gaslight, gatekeep, girl boss: She’ll steal your voice, man, and kingdom. A special thank you to Ursula’s voice actor, the talented Pat Carroll, who just recently passed away on July 30th, 2022.

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Marie Laveau (AHS: Coven): While the witches of Coven were considered one unit due to the sheer number of their ranks, voodoo queen Marie Laveau is in a league of her own. Angela Bassett brings natural charisma and attitude to the oft-fictionalized historical figure, and typing Laveau’s name into your keyboard will provide a treasure trove of reaction gifs for when you’re feeling some sort of way. Watching her butt heads with Supreme witch Fiona Goode is the stuff of legend, and a sequence in which the pair effortlessly take down an organization of witch hunters is classic AHS. Dedication to her community sets her apart from the devilish Fiona. Still, nefarious conditions in the fine print of her immortality pact with the underworld suggest Marie may have more in common with her rival than she’d care to admit.

Nancy Downs (The Craft): Fairuza Balk shines as the antagonist and star (sorry, Robin Tunney) of the 1996 witch drama The Craft. Nancy is hard to hate and easy to understand. In an iconic beachside sequence, she and her fellow Wiccans perform the ritual of Invoking the Spirit to reclaim their power after being ostracized and taken advantage of throughout their lives. Caving to temptation, she monopolizes the dark magics imbued upon them, and a black sheep becomes a true nightmare. Nancy gets messy as hell in a prime example of the adage “be careful what you wish for” – and that’s why we love her. With an iconic goth-chic lewk, a striking face, and a maniacal laugh, Nancy Downs has it out for all the men and women who stand in her way. Especially the men. Seriously, she offs her abusive stepdad and flings Skeet Ulrich out a second-story window.

Lilith (The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina): The oldest historical figure on this list; Lilith is Adam’s first wife and was expelled from paradise after refusing to live in subordination with him. She’s the original feminist, described by men since ancient times as a demon, succubus, witch…you name it, she’s been called it. Why so scared, boys? Michelle Gomez’s portrayal of Lillith, named Madame Satan on The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, is a delightfully twisted and comedic take on the mythological persona. As Lucifer’s second in command, she possesses Sabrina’s mousy teacher, Ms. Wardwell, to keep tabs on the prophesized young witch. Unaware of these circumstances, Sabrina sees her shy teacher suddenly transformed into a confident vixen, and the sexual innuendos she casually spouts will leave you laughing through tears. She’s evil, for sure, but in the end, this version of Lilith wants to dismantle Hell’s patriarchy and reign as its new queen.

The Incomparable Tilda Swinton: She is an ethereal presence, an androgynous figure who glides across the silver screen. She’s a changeling able to take on any form, be it the Angel Gabriel, Jadis the White Witch of Narnia, or an old man attempting to dismantle a coven masked as a school of dance. Tilda Swinton is probably not a witch and simply a talented actor, but that won’t stop her from topping this list as the most badass conjurer here. Her most vile role is that of Mother Helena Markos in Luca Guadagnino’s 2018 reimagining of Dario Argento’s Giallo classic, Suspiria. Markos is the self-proclaimed Mater Suspiriorum, an ancient witch and head of her coven who possesses the bodies of young women so that she may remain ageless. Depicted as a truly haggard old crone with the limbs of fetuses protruding from her own, she conspires underneath the film’s dance academy while waiting to strike at her next victim. You’d sooner vomit at the sight of her before you could let out a scream, and that’s a testament to Swinton’s power over the craft. We’re fortunate to experience the artistry of Tilda Swinton, and it’s always a pleasure to see what form she’ll take next.

That wraps up our homage to the wonderful witches of film and television. We’ve run the gamut from the quaintest Kiki to the transcendent Tilda and everyone in between. While often there for our entertainment, these magical beings represent more than a pointy hat. They remind us to break free from the shackles of society and find that inner power on our terms. So call the corners and march to the beat of your own cauldron because immortality eludes us all.

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Alex Warrick is a film lover and gaymer living the Los Angeles fantasy by way of an East Coast attitude. Interested in all things curious and silly, he was fearless until a fateful viewing of Poltergeist at a young age changed everything. That encounter nurtured a morbid fascination with all things horror that continues today. When not engrossed in a movie, show or game he can usually be found on a rollercoaster, at a drag show, or texting his friends about smurfs.

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‘The Woman in Black’ Remake Is Better Than The Original

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As a horror fan, I tend to think about remakes a lot. Not why they are made, necessarily. That answer is pretty clear: money. But something closer to “if they have to be made, how can they be made well?” It’s rare to find a remake that is generally considered to be better than the original. However, there are plenty that have been deemed to be valuable in a different way. You can find these in basically all subgenres. Sci-fi, for instance (The Thing, The Blob). Zombies (Dawn of the Dead, Evil Dead). Even slashers (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, My Bloody Valentine). However, when it comes to haunted house remakes, only The Woman in Black truly stands out, and it is shockingly underrated. Even more intriguingly, it is demonstrably better than the original movie.

The Original Haunted House Movie Is Almost Always Better

Now please note, I’m specifically talking about movies with haunted houses, rather than ghost movies in general. We wouldn’t want to be bringing The Ring into this conversation. That’s not fair to anyone.

Plenty of haunted house movies are minted classics, and as such, the subgenre has gotten its fair share of remakes. These are, almost unilaterally, some of the most-panned movies in a format that attracts bad reviews like honey attracts flies.

You’ve got 2005’s The Amityville Horror (a CGI-heavy slog briefly buoyed by a shirtless, possessed Ryan Reynolds). That same year’s Dark Water (one of many inert remakes of Asian horror films to come from that era). 1999’s The House on Haunted Hill (a manic, incoherent effort that millennial nostalgia has perhaps been too kind to). That same year there was The Haunting (a manic, incoherent effort that didn’t even earn nostalgia in the first place). And 2015’s Poltergeist (Remember this movie? Don’t you wish you didn’t?). And while I could accept arguments about 2001’s THIR13EN Ghosts, it’s hard to compete with a William Castle classic.

The Problem with Haunted House Remakes

Generally, I think haunted house remakes fail so often because of remakes’ compulsive obsession with updating the material. They throw in state-of-the-art special effects, the hottest stars of the era, and big set piece action sequences. Like, did House on Haunted Hill need to open with that weird roller coaster scene? Of course it didn’t.

However, when it comes to haunted house movies, bigger does not always mean better. They tend to be at their best when they are about ordinary people experiencing heightened versions of normal domestic fears. Bumps in the night, unexplained shadows, and the like. Maybe even some glowing eyes or a floating child. That’s all fine and dandy. But once you have a giant stone lion decapitating Owen Wilson, things have perhaps gone a bit off the rails.

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The One Big Exception is The Woman in Black

The one undeniable exception to the haunted house remake rule is 2012’s The Woman in Black. If we want to split hairs, it’s technically the second adaptation of the Susan Hill novel of the same name. But The Haunting was technically a Shirley Jackson re-adaptation, and that still counts as a remake, so this does too.

The novel follows a young solicitor being haunted when handling a client’s estate at the secluded Eel Marsh House. The property was first adapted into a 1989 TV movie starring Adrian Rawlings, and it was ripe for a remake. In spite of having at least one majorly eerie scene, the 1989 movie is in fact too simple and small-scale. It is too invested in the humdrum realities of country life to have much time to be scary. Plus, it boasts a small screen budget and a distinctly “British television” sense of production design. Eel Marsh basically looks like any old English house, with whitewashed walls and a bland exterior.

Therefore, the “bigger is better” mentality of horror remakes took The Woman in Black to the exact level it needed.

The Woman in Black 2012 Makes Some Great Choices

2012’s The Woman in Black deserves an enormous amount of credit for carrying the remake mantle superbly well. By following a more sedate original, it reaches the exact pitch it needs in order to craft a perfect haunted house story. Most appropriately, the design of Eel Marsh House and its environs are gloriously excessive. While they don’t stretch the bounds of reality into sheer impossibility, they completely turn the original movie on its head.

Eel Marsh is now, as it should be, a decaying, rambling pile where every corner might hide deadly secrets. It’d be scary even if there wasn’t a ghost inside it, if only because it might contain copious black mold. Then you add the marshy grounds choked in horror movie fog. And then there’s the winding, muddy road that gets lost in the tide and feels downright purgatorial. Finally, you have a proper damn setting for a haunted house movie that plumbs the wicked secrets of the wealthy.

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Why The Woman in Black Remake Is an Underrated Horror Gem

While 2012’s The Woman in Black is certainly underrated as a remake, I think it is even more underrated as a haunted house movie. For one thing, it is one of the best examples of the pre-Conjuring jump-scare horror movie done right. And if you’ve read my work for any amount of time, you know how positively I feel about jump scares. The Woman in Black offers a delectable combo platter of shocks designed to keep you on your toes. For example, there are plenty of patient shots that wait for you to notice the creepy thing in the background. But there are also a number of short sharp shocks that remain tremendously effective.

That is not to say that the movie is perfect. They did slightly overstep with their “bigger is better” move to cast Daniel Radcliffe in the lead role. It was a big swing making his first post-Potter role that of a single father with a four-year-old kid. It’s a bit much to have asked 2012 audiences to swallow, though it reads slightly better so many years later.

However, despite its flaws, The Woman in Black remake is demonstrably better than the original. In nearly every conceivable way. It’s pure Hammer Films confection, as opposed to a television drama without an ounce of oomph.

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Is ‘Scream 2’ Still the Worst of the Series?

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There are only so many times I can get away with burying the lede with an editorial headline before someone throws a rock at me. It may or may not be justified when they do. This article is not an attempt at ragebaiting Scream fans, I promise. Neither was my Scream 3 article, which I’m still completely right about.

I do firmly believe that Scream 2 is, at the very least, the last Scream film I’d want to watch. But what was initially just me complaining about a film that I disregard as the weakest entry in its series has since developed into trying to address what it does right. You’ve heard of the expression “jack of all trades, master of none”, and to me Scream 2 really was the jack of all trades of the franchise for the longest time.

It technically has everything a Scream movie needs. Its opening is great, but it’s not the best of them by a long shot. Its killers are unexpected, but not particularly interesting, feeling flat and one-dimensional compared to the others. It has kills, but only a few of them are particularly shocking or well executed. It pokes fun at the genre but doesn’t say anything particularly bold in terms of commentary. Having everything a Scream movie needs is the bare minimum to me.

But the question is, what does Scream 2 do best exactly? Finding that answer involves highlighting what each of the other sequels are great at, and trying to pick out what Scream 2 has that the others don’t.

Scream 3 Is the Big Finale That Utilizes Its Setting Perfectly

Scream as a series handily dodges the trap most horror franchises fall into: rehashing and retreading the same territory over and over. That’s because every one of its films are in essence trying to do something a little different and a little bolder.

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Scream 3 is especially bold because it was conceived, written, and executed as the final installment in the Scream series. And it does that incredibly well. Taking the action away from a locale similar to Woodsboro, Scream 3 tosses our characters into the frying pan of a Hollywood film production. Despite its notorious number of rewrites and script changes (one of which resulted in our first solo Ghostface), it still manages to be a perfect culmination of Sidney Prescott’s story.

I won’t repeat myself too much (go read my previous article on the subject), but 3 is often maligned for as good a film as it turned out to be. And for all of its clunkier reveals, and its ghost mom antics, it understands how to utilize its setting and send its characters off into the sunset right.

Scream 4’s Meta Commentary Wakes Scream from a Deep Sleep

As Wes Craven’s final film, Scream 4 has a very special place in the franchise. It was and still is largely adored for bringing back the franchise from a deep 11-year sleep. With one of the craziest openings in any horror film, let alone a Scream film, it sets the tone for a bombastic return and pays off in spades with the journey it takes us on.

Its primary Ghostface Jill Roberts is a fan favorite, and for some people, she is the best to ever wear the mask. Its script is the source of many memorable moments, not the least of which is Kirby’s iconic rapid-fire response to the horror remakes question. And most importantly, it makes a bold and surprisingly effective return for our main trio of Sidney, Dewey, and Gale, whose return didn’t feel trite or hammy when they ended up coming back to Woodsboro for more.

Craven’s work on 4 truly understands the power its predecessors had exerted on the horror genre, both irreverent in its metacommentary and celebratory of the Scream series as a whole. The film is less of a love letter to the genre and more of a kicking down of the door to remind people what Scream is about. 4’s story re-established that Scream isn’t going away, no matter how long it takes for another film, and no matter how many franchises try to take its place.

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Scream 5 & 6 Is Radio Silence’s Brutal and Bloody Attitude Era

Put simply, Scream 5 and 6’s strong suit was not its characters. It was not its clever writing. The Radio Silence duology in the Scream series excelled in one thing: beating the hell out of its characters.

Wrestling fans (of which there is an unsurprising amount of crossover with horror fans) will know why I call it the Attitude Era. Just like WWE’s most infamous stretch of history, Radio Silence brought something especially aggressive to their entries. And it’s because these films were just brutal. Handing the reins to the series, Bettinelli-Olpin and Gillet gifted a special kineticism to the classic Scream chase sequences, insane finales, and especially its ruthless killers.

All five of the Ghostfaces present in 5 and 6 are the definition of nasty. They’re unrelenting, and in my humble opinion, the freakiest since the original duo of Stu Macher and Billy Loomis. Getting to hear all the air get sucked out of the room as Dewey is gutted like a fish in 5 was still an incredible moment to experience in theatres, and it’s something I don’t think would have happened if the films were any less mean and any less explosively violent.

So, What Does Scream 2 Do Best Exactly?

So now, after looking at all these entries and all of their greatest qualities, what does Scream 2 have that none of the others do? What must I concede to Scream 2?

Really great character development.

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Film is a medium of spectacle most of the time, and this is reflected in how we critique and compliment them. It affects how we look back on them, sometimes treating them more harshly than they deserve because they don’t have that visual flash. But for every ounce of spectacle Scream 2 lacks, I have to admit, it does an incredible job of developing Sidney Prescott as a character.

On a rare rewatch, it’s clear Neve Campbell is carrying the entirety of Scream 2 on her back just because of how compelling she makes Sidney. Watching her slowly fight against a tide of paranoia, fear, and distrust of the people around her once more, watching her be plunged back into the nightmare, is undeniably effective.

It’s also where Dewey and Gale are really cemented as a couple, and where the seeds of them always returning to each other are planted. Going from a mutual simmering disrespect to an affectionate couple to inseparable but awkward and in love is just classic; two people who complete each other in how different they are, but are inevitably pulled back and forth by those differences, their bond is one of the major highlights throughout the series.

Maybe All the Scream Films Are Just Good?

These three characters are the heart of the series, long after they’ve been written out. I talk a big game about how Scream 3 is the perfect ending for the franchise, but I like to gloss over the fact that Scream 2 does a lot of the legwork when it comes to developing the characters of Dewey, Gale, and especially Sidney.

Without 2, 3 just isn’t that effective when it comes to giving Sidney her long deserved peace. Without 2, the way we see Sidney’s return in 4 & 5 doesn’t hit as hard. All of the Scream movies owe something to Scream 2 in the same way they owe something to the original Scream. I think I’ve come to a new point of view when it comes to the Scream franchise: maybe there is no bad entry. Maybe none of them have to be the worst. Each one interlinks with the others in their own unique way.

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And even though I doubt I will ever really love Scream 2, it has an undeniable strength in its character writing that permeates throughout the whole franchise. And that at the very least keeps it from being the worst Scream film.

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