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The Third Dimension is… Terror?: 10 Best Non-Horror Moments from Jaws 3-D (1983)

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Jaws 3-D, released July 1983, is a reviled sequel to one of the greatest movies of all time. Despite being a box office success with a worldwide gross of $88 million and the #2 highest-grossing opening weekend of 1983, genre fans do not remember this film fondly. However, I assert that although there is a lack of general horror, Jaws 3-D still has something to offer audiences… laughs!

First, we must get this out of the way. There actually is a horror element to Jaws 3-D, though unintended, and it serves as the saddest part of its legacy (no, not the terrible CGI). Jaws 3-D was filmed at the actual SeaWorld Orlando, and several SeaWorld animals were used for the film, including Capricorn, who played one of the hero dolphins, and Kotar, named Shamu. Capricorn, as of 2006, was the oldest dolphin in captivity and resided at Discovery Cove (owned by SeaWorld Orlando). Sadly, Kotar died in 1995 due to injuries sustained after a gate closed on his head. SeaWorld has since been condemned by many for its treatment of its marine animals following the disturbing documentary Blackfish (2013). Jaws 3-D serves as a time capsule for an era that favored entertainment over animal rights.

Now, let’s get to the fun stuff. Because while Jaws 3-D falls into the thriller/horror categories, this aged-to-horrible-perfection film is, instead, full of delectable visual treats, actors, and outdated special effects that make it so enjoyable to watch, as long as you refuse to take it seriously. Here are the 10 Best Non-Horror Moments of Jaws 3-D.

10) This quote from Mike Brody: “Where’s your boots?” “I only wear them in bed and in the shower.”

What does this even mean?

9) The dolphins’ Cindy & Sandy victory leap finale

Dolphins Cindy and Sandy are the actual heroes of Jaws 3-D. They battle sharks, rescue the protagonists, and do fun tricks! Somehow, these dolphins were nominated for Worst Newcomer at the 1983 Golden Raspberry Awards for their performances. The most cheesily-satisfying moment of the film happens at the very end when the dolphins, feared dead, leap victoriously into the air to the cheers of the protagonists.

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8)  The Stand-Off game

Has anyone ever played this game? Was it popular? According to a 2011 interview with actor John Putch (Sean Brody), he said that the game must have been popular back then as it was in the script. It seems even Putch may not have known the game originally! To those still confused about the game’s definition, Kelly Ann tells us herself, “It is a game of balance!” This leads us to the 7th best moment in Jaws 3-D

7) Kelly Ann Bukowski’s quote, “Come.. on in.. Sean! It’s fun!”

This line’s overdub is horrendous and hilarious. There are pauses in all the wrong places and the pitch of her voice is unsettling. The line is such a delightful bit of goofiness in an intended-serious big-budget film, and even more entertaining coming from a future award winner (this is her first feature film). Another fun tidbit: Thompson’s presence in this 3D feature is a fun little precursor for what is to come in Back to the Future II (1989) with a hologram shark in the fictional Jaws 19 (2015).

6) When Mike Brody had to ask “What the hell was that?!” about a shark despite seeing and encountering sharks several times in his life.

Did the shock Mike suffered from in the first two films wipe his memory? Nope. Because he vividly remembers his encounters in a prior scene, “White sharks are dangerous. I know ‘em. My father, my brother, myself. They’re murderers.” Okay, Mike.

5) This quote from Charlene, the Pat Benetar look-alike waitress, “He don’t sleep in, he don’t live in! You tell Shelby Overman for me he can take a flying leap in a rolling doughnut on a gravel driveway!”

You tell him, Charlene!

4) This quote from Dr. Kathryn Morgan: “Overman was killed inside the park. The baby was caught inside the park. Its mother is inside the park.”

This is all inside the park, right?

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3) Mike Brody holding the dog’s ears as it eats

I cannot think of this film without Dennis Quaid immediately coming to mind. He brings sincerity to the eldest Brody son, unlike his teenage counterpart from Jaws 2 (1978). This scene where he holds the hound dog puppy’s ears while it’s chowing down is one of the purest things I have seen in an 80s horror movie. Despite claiming he was high on cocaine in nearly every scene, he brought needed moments of levity to a film that thought of itself too seriously.

2) The CGI Shark’s slow dramatic swim

Of course, the 3D shark is a star, especially in this scene. Its slow swim to the glass, which it soon shatters, is memorable for its clunky CGI use (one of 31 instances in the film). Jaws 3-D channels the early use of 3D technology in 1950s creature features, like Revenge of the Creature of the Black Lagoon (1955). Though thirty years between the two, the technology just hadn’t caught up.

The CGI Shark is iconic, but there is only one other scene-stealing component that surpasses anything the CGI Shark does…

1) ALL scenes with Brucetta, the practical shark

For everyone wondering, yes, this shark does have a name: Brucetta! And her only victims are men. What a queen.

Brucetta was designed by Roy Arbogast, the creative visual consultant, and I love her. The foam rubber, being stiff as a board, and her mouth always being open are some of her best qualities. I would also like to give credit to Jaws 3-Dfor finally bringing an inside-the-mouth shot to the franchise where we actually get to see a man crushed from inside the shark’s jaws. Not to mention, this beast growls! How? Don’t ask me.

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All hail Brucetta!

Abigail Waldron is a queer historian who specializes in American horror cinema. Her book "Queer Screams: A History of LGBTQ+ Survival Through the Lens of American Horror Cinema" is available for purchase from McFarland Books. She resides in Brooklyn, New York.

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‘The Woman in Black’ Remake Is Better Than The Original

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As a horror fan, I tend to think about remakes a lot. Not why they are made, necessarily. That answer is pretty clear: money. But something closer to “if they have to be made, how can they be made well?” It’s rare to find a remake that is generally considered to be better than the original. However, there are plenty that have been deemed to be valuable in a different way. You can find these in basically all subgenres. Sci-fi, for instance (The Thing, The Blob). Zombies (Dawn of the Dead, Evil Dead). Even slashers (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, My Bloody Valentine). However, when it comes to haunted house remakes, only The Woman in Black truly stands out, and it is shockingly underrated. Even more intriguingly, it is demonstrably better than the original movie.

The Original Haunted House Movie Is Almost Always Better

Now please note, I’m specifically talking about movies with haunted houses, rather than ghost movies in general. We wouldn’t want to be bringing The Ring into this conversation. That’s not fair to anyone.

Plenty of haunted house movies are minted classics, and as such, the subgenre has gotten its fair share of remakes. These are, almost unilaterally, some of the most-panned movies in a format that attracts bad reviews like honey attracts flies.

You’ve got 2005’s The Amityville Horror (a CGI-heavy slog briefly buoyed by a shirtless, possessed Ryan Reynolds). That same year’s Dark Water (one of many inert remakes of Asian horror films to come from that era). 1999’s The House on Haunted Hill (a manic, incoherent effort that millennial nostalgia has perhaps been too kind to). That same year there was The Haunting (a manic, incoherent effort that didn’t even earn nostalgia in the first place). And 2015’s Poltergeist (Remember this movie? Don’t you wish you didn’t?). And while I could accept arguments about 2001’s THIR13EN Ghosts, it’s hard to compete with a William Castle classic.

The Problem with Haunted House Remakes

Generally, I think haunted house remakes fail so often because of remakes’ compulsive obsession with updating the material. They throw in state-of-the-art special effects, the hottest stars of the era, and big set piece action sequences. Like, did House on Haunted Hill need to open with that weird roller coaster scene? Of course it didn’t.

However, when it comes to haunted house movies, bigger does not always mean better. They tend to be at their best when they are about ordinary people experiencing heightened versions of normal domestic fears. Bumps in the night, unexplained shadows, and the like. Maybe even some glowing eyes or a floating child. That’s all fine and dandy. But once you have a giant stone lion decapitating Owen Wilson, things have perhaps gone a bit off the rails.

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The One Big Exception is The Woman in Black

The one undeniable exception to the haunted house remake rule is 2012’s The Woman in Black. If we want to split hairs, it’s technically the second adaptation of the Susan Hill novel of the same name. But The Haunting was technically a Shirley Jackson re-adaptation, and that still counts as a remake, so this does too.

The novel follows a young solicitor being haunted when handling a client’s estate at the secluded Eel Marsh House. The property was first adapted into a 1989 TV movie starring Adrian Rawlings, and it was ripe for a remake. In spite of having at least one majorly eerie scene, the 1989 movie is in fact too simple and small-scale. It is too invested in the humdrum realities of country life to have much time to be scary. Plus, it boasts a small screen budget and a distinctly “British television” sense of production design. Eel Marsh basically looks like any old English house, with whitewashed walls and a bland exterior.

Therefore, the “bigger is better” mentality of horror remakes took The Woman in Black to the exact level it needed.

The Woman in Black 2012 Makes Some Great Choices

2012’s The Woman in Black deserves an enormous amount of credit for carrying the remake mantle superbly well. By following a more sedate original, it reaches the exact pitch it needs in order to craft a perfect haunted house story. Most appropriately, the design of Eel Marsh House and its environs are gloriously excessive. While they don’t stretch the bounds of reality into sheer impossibility, they completely turn the original movie on its head.

Eel Marsh is now, as it should be, a decaying, rambling pile where every corner might hide deadly secrets. It’d be scary even if there wasn’t a ghost inside it, if only because it might contain copious black mold. Then you add the marshy grounds choked in horror movie fog. And then there’s the winding, muddy road that gets lost in the tide and feels downright purgatorial. Finally, you have a proper damn setting for a haunted house movie that plumbs the wicked secrets of the wealthy.

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Why The Woman in Black Remake Is an Underrated Horror Gem

While 2012’s The Woman in Black is certainly underrated as a remake, I think it is even more underrated as a haunted house movie. For one thing, it is one of the best examples of the pre-Conjuring jump-scare horror movie done right. And if you’ve read my work for any amount of time, you know how positively I feel about jump scares. The Woman in Black offers a delectable combo platter of shocks designed to keep you on your toes. For example, there are plenty of patient shots that wait for you to notice the creepy thing in the background. But there are also a number of short sharp shocks that remain tremendously effective.

That is not to say that the movie is perfect. They did slightly overstep with their “bigger is better” move to cast Daniel Radcliffe in the lead role. It was a big swing making his first post-Potter role that of a single father with a four-year-old kid. It’s a bit much to have asked 2012 audiences to swallow, though it reads slightly better so many years later.

However, despite its flaws, The Woman in Black remake is demonstrably better than the original. In nearly every conceivable way. It’s pure Hammer Films confection, as opposed to a television drama without an ounce of oomph.

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Is ‘Scream 2’ Still the Worst of the Series?

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There are only so many times I can get away with burying the lede with an editorial headline before someone throws a rock at me. It may or may not be justified when they do. This article is not an attempt at ragebaiting Scream fans, I promise. Neither was my Scream 3 article, which I’m still completely right about.

I do firmly believe that Scream 2 is, at the very least, the last Scream film I’d want to watch. But what was initially just me complaining about a film that I disregard as the weakest entry in its series has since developed into trying to address what it does right. You’ve heard of the expression “jack of all trades, master of none”, and to me Scream 2 really was the jack of all trades of the franchise for the longest time.

It technically has everything a Scream movie needs. Its opening is great, but it’s not the best of them by a long shot. Its killers are unexpected, but not particularly interesting, feeling flat and one-dimensional compared to the others. It has kills, but only a few of them are particularly shocking or well executed. It pokes fun at the genre but doesn’t say anything particularly bold in terms of commentary. Having everything a Scream movie needs is the bare minimum to me.

But the question is, what does Scream 2 do best exactly? Finding that answer involves highlighting what each of the other sequels are great at, and trying to pick out what Scream 2 has that the others don’t.

Scream 3 Is the Big Finale That Utilizes Its Setting Perfectly

Scream as a series handily dodges the trap most horror franchises fall into: rehashing and retreading the same territory over and over. That’s because every one of its films are in essence trying to do something a little different and a little bolder.

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Scream 3 is especially bold because it was conceived, written, and executed as the final installment in the Scream series. And it does that incredibly well. Taking the action away from a locale similar to Woodsboro, Scream 3 tosses our characters into the frying pan of a Hollywood film production. Despite its notorious number of rewrites and script changes (one of which resulted in our first solo Ghostface), it still manages to be a perfect culmination of Sidney Prescott’s story.

I won’t repeat myself too much (go read my previous article on the subject), but 3 is often maligned for as good a film as it turned out to be. And for all of its clunkier reveals, and its ghost mom antics, it understands how to utilize its setting and send its characters off into the sunset right.

Scream 4’s Meta Commentary Wakes Scream from a Deep Sleep

As Wes Craven’s final film, Scream 4 has a very special place in the franchise. It was and still is largely adored for bringing back the franchise from a deep 11-year sleep. With one of the craziest openings in any horror film, let alone a Scream film, it sets the tone for a bombastic return and pays off in spades with the journey it takes us on.

Its primary Ghostface Jill Roberts is a fan favorite, and for some people, she is the best to ever wear the mask. Its script is the source of many memorable moments, not the least of which is Kirby’s iconic rapid-fire response to the horror remakes question. And most importantly, it makes a bold and surprisingly effective return for our main trio of Sidney, Dewey, and Gale, whose return didn’t feel trite or hammy when they ended up coming back to Woodsboro for more.

Craven’s work on 4 truly understands the power its predecessors had exerted on the horror genre, both irreverent in its metacommentary and celebratory of the Scream series as a whole. The film is less of a love letter to the genre and more of a kicking down of the door to remind people what Scream is about. 4’s story re-established that Scream isn’t going away, no matter how long it takes for another film, and no matter how many franchises try to take its place.

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Scream 5 & 6 Is Radio Silence’s Brutal and Bloody Attitude Era

Put simply, Scream 5 and 6’s strong suit was not its characters. It was not its clever writing. The Radio Silence duology in the Scream series excelled in one thing: beating the hell out of its characters.

Wrestling fans (of which there is an unsurprising amount of crossover with horror fans) will know why I call it the Attitude Era. Just like WWE’s most infamous stretch of history, Radio Silence brought something especially aggressive to their entries. And it’s because these films were just brutal. Handing the reins to the series, Bettinelli-Olpin and Gillet gifted a special kineticism to the classic Scream chase sequences, insane finales, and especially its ruthless killers.

All five of the Ghostfaces present in 5 and 6 are the definition of nasty. They’re unrelenting, and in my humble opinion, the freakiest since the original duo of Stu Macher and Billy Loomis. Getting to hear all the air get sucked out of the room as Dewey is gutted like a fish in 5 was still an incredible moment to experience in theatres, and it’s something I don’t think would have happened if the films were any less mean and any less explosively violent.

So, What Does Scream 2 Do Best Exactly?

So now, after looking at all these entries and all of their greatest qualities, what does Scream 2 have that none of the others do? What must I concede to Scream 2?

Really great character development.

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Film is a medium of spectacle most of the time, and this is reflected in how we critique and compliment them. It affects how we look back on them, sometimes treating them more harshly than they deserve because they don’t have that visual flash. But for every ounce of spectacle Scream 2 lacks, I have to admit, it does an incredible job of developing Sidney Prescott as a character.

On a rare rewatch, it’s clear Neve Campbell is carrying the entirety of Scream 2 on her back just because of how compelling she makes Sidney. Watching her slowly fight against a tide of paranoia, fear, and distrust of the people around her once more, watching her be plunged back into the nightmare, is undeniably effective.

It’s also where Dewey and Gale are really cemented as a couple, and where the seeds of them always returning to each other are planted. Going from a mutual simmering disrespect to an affectionate couple to inseparable but awkward and in love is just classic; two people who complete each other in how different they are, but are inevitably pulled back and forth by those differences, their bond is one of the major highlights throughout the series.

Maybe All the Scream Films Are Just Good?

These three characters are the heart of the series, long after they’ve been written out. I talk a big game about how Scream 3 is the perfect ending for the franchise, but I like to gloss over the fact that Scream 2 does a lot of the legwork when it comes to developing the characters of Dewey, Gale, and especially Sidney.

Without 2, 3 just isn’t that effective when it comes to giving Sidney her long deserved peace. Without 2, the way we see Sidney’s return in 4 & 5 doesn’t hit as hard. All of the Scream movies owe something to Scream 2 in the same way they owe something to the original Scream. I think I’ve come to a new point of view when it comes to the Scream franchise: maybe there is no bad entry. Maybe none of them have to be the worst. Each one interlinks with the others in their own unique way.

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And even though I doubt I will ever really love Scream 2, it has an undeniable strength in its character writing that permeates throughout the whole franchise. And that at the very least keeps it from being the worst Scream film.

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