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My Christmas Tradition: Watching ‘Krampus’

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Some folks will watch A Christmas Story every year for Christmas. Some folks will watch A Charlie Brown Christmas. Me? Every year I watch Krampus. It’s not just my favorite Christmas horror movie but it’s one of my all-time favorite Christmas movies. It’s up there with Elf for me.

Why Krampus Is My Favorite Christmas Horror Movie

There are a handful of good Christmas-themed horror movies—Silent Night Deadly Night, Black Christmas, the Black Christmas remake, Better Watch Out—but my absolute favorite is Krampus. The idea of a horror movie taking place during a holiday that isn’t Halloween appeals to me but this movie feels genuinely like a rotted family Christmas movie which is what makes it so absolutely delicious.

A Hilarious and Chaotic Opening Scene

The movie opens with a slow motion scene showing folks fighting in stores while “It’s beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” plays. We pan through a department store and see families fist fighting and one pair of parents even getting stun gunned by security. We see kids screaming and crying on Santa’s lap. We end with our main character, Max (Emjay Anthony), dressed as a reindeer physically fighting another kid dressed as Jesus during a Christmas recital as his parents run in and his sister laughs while recording it.

The opening alone warms my heart. As someone who has worked retail during more holiday seasons than I care to admit, this barely feels like a parody. It rings true and that’s exactly why I love it so much. There has never been a single holiday season that has gone by where I haven’t been yelled at by some deranged parents blaming me for us not having what they’re looking for. The holiday season isn’t all beautiful decorations and fun family times.

A Dysfunctional Family That Feels Real

Another reason I love this movie is that the family barely likes each other. Which, again, rings more true than some big happy family where everyone seems to be besties and no one is awkwardly bringing up politics. As someone with an extremely liberal mother and extremely conservative father, I relate to the nightmare that is older conservative relatives voicing their bad opinions.

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Toni Collette plays Sarah, a mother on the verge of a nervous breakdown who is trying to keep it together for the holiday. Adam Scott plays Tom, a nice pushover dad who is also kind of a dick. Allison Tolman plays Aunt Linda, who is well-meaning but has a family full of goblins. David Koechner plays Uncle Howard, who is basically every idiot conservative uncle. Conchata Ferrell plays Aunt Dorothy, who is basically every mean older conservative family member.

The Heartwarming Bond Between Max and Omi

But, despite all the fucked up family relations, there’s also some heart to this movie. At the center of the film are Max and his grandma Omi (Krista Stadler)—they genuinely love and understand each other. Omi speaks German and Max speaks English—and as a kid who grew up very close with his Puerto Rican grandma, I find their relationship to be sweet. Omi watches as the family bickers and fights, giving Max knowing looks and never judging him for getting into fights. While I never got into fights as a kid, I definitely didn’t quite fit in with the rest of my family as the big queer nerd of the group. But my grandma and I would watch cartoons, horror movies, and telenovelas together whenever she watched me while my parents worked. We would also give each other knowing looks at family dinners whenever anyone was annoying. So, yes I get emotional every time I watch the grandma sacrifice herself to give her family time to get away.

The movie should feel crowded but it never does—it feels the right amount of full for a movie about a family coming together during the holidays. The first act is fully just a Christmas movie too, which completely works. It’s the perfect movie to put on while partaking in some holiday fun. It starts off chaotic, then gets warm and cozy, then delves into complete chaos. Which is basically the journey I go on when wrapping presents.

The fact that this movie makes me happy and is something I watch every December probably says more about me than anything else. But also, what fun is watching some boring happy family movie?

A Family That Fights Together

The family in this movie feels more real than most in holiday or horror movies. It’s what makes each of them getting picked off feel more brutal. This isn’t a family that shares the same values, it’s a family that barely tolerates each other—but they still all fight together in the end, even if they don’t win. Even the freakin’ baby gets taken by the Christmas-themed demons.

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In the end, Max pleads with Krampus—only to get thrown into his pit of fire. We end with the family waking up on Christmas morning together and they all exchange grim looks. I interpret the ending as Krampus keeping them all prisoner but it can also be interpreted as Krampus letting them go and just keeping an eye on them. I’m not normally a fan of a bleak ending, but in this instance, I kind of love it because it’s scored and shot like it’s a heartwarming Christmas movie ending.

So, grab your hot cocoa and gingerbread cookies and watch Krampus with me while we angrily wrap presents together.

Ian Carlos Crawford grew up in southern New Jersey and has an MFA in non-fiction writing. His favorite things are Buffy, Scream, X-Men, and pugs. His writing has appeared on sites like BuzzFeed, NewNowNext, Junkee, and other random corners of the internet. He currently hosts a queer Buffy and Marvel focused pop culture podcast called Slayerfest 98 and co-hosts a horror podcast called My Bloody Judy.

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‘Iron Lung’ Review: Exceptionally Atmospheric Cosmic Horror

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As Iron Lung begins, the film places you in an overhead shot looking down at a submarine that’s seen better days. Jagged metal teeth of a broken cage sit at its head, illuminated by a light from the ship above that’s about to cut it loose. As you’re about to be dropped into a roiling ocean of blood, you become quickly invested in its story.

A dire paternal voiceover runs you through your place in the world as an observer: someone is being sent into the “waters” of a far-off moon in a dead, dark galaxy. They’re in search of an answer you’re automatically aware will never be enough and a penance they will never attain. It prompts an obvious, cutting question: if Hell is where we’re looking for an answer, how bad must things be among the stars to go searching there for hope?

A Surprising Outing for Writer and Director Mark Fischbach

The debut feature film of writer and director Mark Fischbach, better known to the internet at large as Markiplier, is as surprising as it is atmospheric. And no, not surprising because Fischbach is an internet personality crossing over into film. And no, not surprising because this is a video game adaptation that is actually quite good.

The surprise here is mainly from the way Fischbach dodges a number of first-time filmmaker torpedoes that would otherwise sink the film straight to the sea floor. It’s in the very clear coordination and trust he has with his cast and crew. In a way, the film itself is a mirror of the submersible his character is forced to pilot: flawed, surely, but strong enough to complete its mission and deliver an exceptional experience.

What Is Iron Lung About Exactly?

The story goes as follows: in the wake of an event called the Quiet Rapture, the stars themselves have been snuffed out. Most of the galaxy has been plunged into sudden darkness, and a mass dying off has consumed countless worlds (think the worst possible aftermath to The Nine Billion Names of God).

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Convicted for a reprehensible crime, the convict Simon (played by Markiplier himself) has been given a rare opportunity to return to life among the survivors. The mission is to pilot a death trap of a one-man submarine into the blood oceans of an alien moon, looking for a scientific sample useful enough to earn his freedom. That is, assuming he doesn’t lose his mind or his life in the process.

Bespoke Set Design That Matches the Premise Perfectly

Iron Lung should be commended first and foremost for being a bottle film with the perfect set design to match. Not overly ambitious, but not too simplistic either. Contained in a marvel of a small space, the submarine here is a tactile nightmare of rusty metal and antiquated technology you never get sick of seeing more of.

While Fischbach and director of photography Philip Roy have the camera linger in close ups almost too often, I don’t blame them for wanting to capture the finer details and leer at them. It’s clear every inch of this condensation covered machine was engineered by the art team and production design to emphasize its prison cell qualities as a barely functional vessel.

The ship’s external camera fires off like a flash bulb on its interior, barely illuminating the cabin with its next horrific image of the sea floor before plunging us back into darkness. The oxygen gauge and its cold robotic voice are a countdown to the painful annihilation that awaits its pilot. Its proximity sensors give only the barest indications of what’s going on outside, ticking a dull noise warning us: you are not alone. It’s a punishment to operate, and the set design as well as the very solid sound design that accompany it make that violently clear and effectively spinetingling.

Translation From Game to Film Isn’t So Perfect Though

This perfect setting isn’t always used perfectly though. The translation of the game’s mechanics and gameplay to the screen are both a weakness and a strength. They make the pacing of the first third run to a slow start, especially when Fischbach’s screenplay grinds against the strong suit of the film’s cinematography: the panic of it all.

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Like its video game source material, David Szymanski’s Iron Lung, the film is really at its best when it’s instilling a sense of active and imminent panic. A tone that matches the borrowed time the submarine is glued together with. Putting out fires, both literal and metaphorical, ratcheting up its claustrophobia as you’re placed cheek to cheek with Simon in steamy, metallic darkness. This is where Iron Lung shines.

Markiplier’s Performance in Iron Lung is Hit or Miss, But Mostly Hits

It’s outside of these moments of panic where the weakest parts of the script and Fischbach’s performance are highlighted. Some weak line deliveries and beats of dead air kill the real tight headlock the film could have you gripped in from start to finish. And while Fischbach is phenomenal at playing terrified or pleading or even simple exhaustion in the face of the impossible, he really requires someone to bounce off of as his solo work just isn’t as compelling. Even the clunkiest bits of dialogue between him and his jailer (Caroline Kaplan) are better than the best of his moments where he talks to himself or tries to inject some humor into the bleak story.

This is a shame too, because the minimalist storytelling and background we get for his character is genuinely very intriguing. It’s thematically rich for what the film is trying to say about the power and terror of belief, and it’s doubly satisfying that the film has enough confidence to not lay everything out in a longwinded speech explaining the motives and lore that landed him here.

All that being said, his performance is hit or miss, but he mostly hits. The dialogue becomes more urgent as we approach the climax, and all of the cast delivers on that impending doom nicely. It reaches its peak in the final act, and Fischbach is on fire as he struggles to hold himself together in the face of absolute madness leaching its way into the pressurized cabin.

Iron Lung: A Redemptive Finale With Pure Liquid Body Horror

What a fantastic final act it is, one that makes up for its imperfection in the first two parts with a homerun of pure liquid body horror. It’s just phenomenal how the film’s digital and practical effects present the true horrors of Iron Lung. There’s a near perfect mesh between the two, and they highlight the best influences of similar genre films that came before.

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Soaked with all the gore, madness, and mystery of the likes of Event Horizon and Pandorum, Iron Lung is a worthy successor in the cosmic horror genre as it rises above its own problems. It’s a moody, environmentally precise stunner of a horror film that sets a benchmark as the movie to beat for forthcoming releases this year.

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‘The Ritual (2017)’ Review: When Grief Gets Gruesome

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The Ritual is, without a doubt, one of the most completely enthralling horror films of the past decade. Usually, I wouldn’t open with such a strong reaction for a movie that isn’t a technical and narrative masterpiece, but this is close enough to call that in. It’s at the very least masterful work that deserves more love, and that’s even with it having a permanent home and high placement on the world’s biggest streaming platform. It’s no longer the obscure hidden gem it was at the time of release, if it ever was that, but I refuse to stop talking about it.

The sheer catharsis this film grants through its cast, and the way its environment really pushes that cast of characters, is what I could only describe as “surgical.” It cuts to the bone. It’s a movie about the strangling nature of grief, and it gives us a great time showing its characters fighting against that choking feeling.

What is The Ritual (2017) About?

After the death of Rob, things haven’t been the same for Luke. The memories of the robbery that took his life, a robbery he had to witness hiding behind a liquor shelf, still haunt him. But there’s a chance for closure as he and his friends go on the trip that Luke had helped plan the night he died.

Their quest to honor his memory sends them through the beautiful locales of Northern Sweden, along a hiking trail in the mountains. But after an attempt at a shortcut sends the group deep into the woods and they struggle to get back on course, it becomes violently clear they aren’t the only ones in the wilderness. Ritualistic markings, involving dead animals and dire effigies, warn of a much greater power lurking in the forest. Whether they can escape it depends on whether they can keep each other safe long enough to get out.

Netflix Could You Lock In And Do A Physical Release For Once

This is a phenomenal film, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t get up on my soapbox about its format for just one moment.  Regrettably, this is a streaming-only film that has been shackled by Netflix to its platform. It has an excessively rare DVD release floating around, but that is also unfortunately, region locked, and likely more low fidelity than most physical collectors would like. Especially when so much of this movie relies on shadow and darkness, a Blu-Ray release is kind of obligatory for high quality preservation of the director’s vision.

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Not sure what I expected from the media conglomerate that it is. Netflix is already notorious for refusing to release physical media and then cancelling and erasing shows from the platform. What are we going to do with you Netflix? You only ever seem to cause me problems. Just make the physical release for this already.

Gorgeous, Grotesque, And Gut-wrenching All At The Same Time

Setting that thought aside, this film was bound to be fantastic given the horror pedigree behind it. Cutting loose anthology director David Bruckner, the MVP of the V/H/S franchise, then giving him a budget and legendary location scouting is about as great as you’d expect. It’s like saying that sugar and butter make things taste better; should you really be shocked?

When you have this many lighting and environmental factors to juggle, expectations are understandably high. The film on paper should look at least a little choppy, but Bruckner and cinematographer Andrew Shulkind really are in their element here. This is only exemplified even further by the film’s most memorable space-bending set piece at its climax. I won’t even risk spoiling it for lack of a better description, but I will say the stark contrast they play with light and shadow here makes for some really captivating visuals and frightening moments.

The naturalistic environment this folk horror takes place in really has a knack for showing the contrasting beauty and grotesqueness of the things hiding in the woods. And its director really has a knack for using that environment to squeeze the actors for all they’ve got.

A Phenomenal Cast Led By Rafe Spall

Make no mistake: The Ritual is not just a pretty face. This is at its core a story about a group of men facing their strained relationships in the wake of a brutal death, and all the ugliness that entails. They’re foolish, angry, bitter, and sad people struggling each in their own way to accept a loss. What it leads you with is what you’d expect to be one-note characters being slotted into archetypal roles, but what they end up as feels surprisingly real.

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The obvious star here is our lead Rafe Spall, whose turn as main character Luke ranges from downright depressing to shockingly soul lifting. You can see Spall plays him as a man slowly trying to piece himself back together, fumbling as he’s soaked in alcohol and self-pity. His changing demeanor throughout the film really reflects the truth of his character: he was only ever going to change and confront his past when he was forced to. And him being forced to go through supernatural circumstances really does make for one of the most satisfying character arcs in a horror film I’ve ever seen.

Is This The Best Creature Design Of The Past 20 Years?

Again, it’s difficult to talk about this film without spoiling its most fun moments, so I will just say that you only stand to gain something by watching it. If its emotional aspects don’t grab you, its aesthetic qualities will. And if all that fails to grab you, maybe this will: The Ritual boasts what is the definitively best monster design of the 2010s, if not the past 20 years. Nothing, and I mean nothing, can top the visual concept this film delivers on with that design. Need I say more?

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