Before you run to your My Bloody Valentine rewatches and don your creepy Cupid masks to adore your significant other in, Horror Press Reader, let’s sit down and talk about our feelings. Or rather, the feelings of fictional people, and what we can learn from them.

The Chucky franchise at large is a well-loved one here at Horror Press; we have the episode-by-episode recaps to prove it. So today, we’ve compiled some relationship advice from the most emotionally stable people I can imagine. Which is to say, doll serial killers and their horribly traumatized victims.

What better sample of people is there, really?

Jake and Devon: Communication Is Key, But If It Doesn’t Unlock Any Doors Does It Matter?

Chucky was a show struck down in its prime. Just as we were getting to a pretty cool spot with our main protagonists trapped in dolls, and everyone’s favorite couple in horror renewing their vows to do no good, SyFy yanked it away from us by failing to lock in on a fourth season renewal.

Among its many plotlines was the very tumultuous relationship between main characters Jake and Devon, the young couple who were united through a love of true crime and a hatred of Charles Lee Ray. But one of their recurring issues throughout the show is that, despite the multiple scenes where they sit down with each other and communicate their feelings amid the horrors going on, they eventually regress to their previous relationship status of mildly uncomfortable.

They don’t seem to be getting a better understanding of each other, so it begs the question: how much progress is really being made here by just communicating if you don’t actively try to mend your issues? Talking things out is fine, but actions speak louder than words.

Chucky Trio: Love Of Self Can Become Love of Others

Curse of Chucky is probably the most underrated of the films in the Child’s Play franchise, and it’s in no small part thanks to the fun developments in lore that it has to offer. Key among these is the idea of Chucky using Damballa’s magic to split his soul between multiple dolls simultaneously, which has since become a staple of the franchise and a recurring plot point.

Am I kind of implying here Charles Lee Ray’s army of doll clones are a polycule in their own right? Yes, but we don’t have enough time to unpack that. The point is that the relationship between these three dolls is one of discovery, and learning to love yourself. By learning to love his self-image and enjoy his own company, Buzzcut Chucky finds emotional fulfillment and a renewed sense of purpose with the help of his two clone compatriots.

He gets beaten to death shortly thereafter, but if you’re not being hunted by Andy Barclay, you can take this lesson without fear. So, embrace who you are so you can better embrace your partner!

Jesse and Jade: Sometimes You Just Have To Wake Up and Break Up

Fiction is full of famous couples who make their relationship problems everyone else’s. Christine and Erik from The Phantom of the Opera. Magneto and Professor X from the X-Men. Even Kano and Kabal from Mortal Kombat (again, I don’t have the time to unpack that).

But do you know who isn’t on that list? Jesse and Jade from Bride of Chucky, the incredibly grating and incredibly immature duo that aggravates the audience with their befuddling relationship choices the whole runtime, only to somehow survive the entire film. And it doesn’t matter that they walk away with their arms around each other at the end, you know as soon as they get back to New Jersey they’re going to be making everyone’s lives miserable again in like two weeks, at MOST.

Despite it being a popular turn of phrase nowadays to say you don’t owe anybody anything, you do, in fact, owe them some form of peace. The lesson here is simple: for the sake of your sanity, and the sanity of the people in your lives, sometimes you just have to break up. Toxic relationship that makes no sense? Break up. Can’t communicate to save your lives? Break up. Just being downright annoying? WAKE UP AND BREAK UP.  

Nica and Tiffany: Lack of Follow-Through Can Leave A Relationship Going In Circles

One of the more controversial pairings on this list, given the nature of their relationship, involved one of them being possessed by the spirit of their evil father and then having their legs chopped off by their pseudo-lover; you might wonder what lessons are to be gleaned from this duo.

As the series goes on, Nica fails at the finish line every time she has Tiffany in her clutches. Vengeance is at hand! Until it isn’t. Which after the first few times, you would think it wasn’t her fault, but by the time she’s doing Three Stooges pratfalls in a prison parking lot, it really does feel like Nica herself has performance anxiety when it comes to taking out her nemesis. And you can’t say it’s about not being able-bodied; she survived Chucky and Tiffany without having the ability to walk multiple times!

The bottom line is, if you plan to take someone out, you’ve got to follow through. Whether it’s a date night or an assassination attempt, you’ve got to show the dedication and the drive to make things work. Otherwise, you’ll be left going in circles with little to show for it; you’ll go from disappointing others, to flat out disappointing yourself.

Chucky and Tiffany: Sometimes Relationships Are A Mystery—And Sometimes They’re Better Off That Way

And of course, like with every relationship advice article, we have one that doesn’t make any sense at all.

Chucky and Tiffany are the spokespeople for toxic relationships in horror. They rise, they work together, they bicker, they murder each other or have someone murder the other on their behalf, and then it all starts over again. So why does it work so well? The craziest thing is that they’re ultimately happy. They’re like extremophiles, swimming in the toxic waste that is their own love. They make grand gestures of love for each other; they even renew their vows. They bring out the best from each other whenever they’re together.

I like to think part of it is treating their lives like it’s their last, even when voodoo magic means they’re absolutely coming back to life. But ultimately, it doesn’t matter if others understand, or if your relationship makes sense to everyone else. What matters is that it works for you and makes you happy. Protect your peace, and protect your love. Because at the end of the day, it’s all we got.

Oh, and before I forget, a very happy Valentine’s Day to all our Horror Press fans out there! And don’t murder anyone, I don’t care how in love you are.