Welcome back, normies and Uglies alike, to the Second Annual Golden Ghoulie Awards™! After last year’s titanic showing of resurrected favorites bickered and clawed their way to the crown like a scene out of 1912, it is a return to form as we honor the frights, freaks, and fallacies of the Season 5 cast of The Boulet Brothers’ Dragula in all their glorious agony. With their fresh flesh waiting to be torn asunder, exterminations and the subsequent murders of these ill-fated Monsters made a comeback – and fed into our sadistic desires. It’s a new, post-Titans era, and we saw the Boulet Brothers themselves take over directing duties. Mama, they sure do love a monochromatic moment, am I right? Drac and Swan poured what remains of their souls into this season, so dim the lights, unzip a nearby serpent, and hit the vape as we celebrate the successes of Season 5 and begin the show!

The Best Individual Looks in Season Five

In the Underworld, all souls are tormented equally, so it’s essential to take a moment and appreciate the fabulous walk-in closets that are the minds of these Monsters. The Boulets appropriately renamed the Boudoir into the Laboratory because “It’s the Laboratory. Short for laboratories. It’s where they build monsters in the laboratories, darling.” This season a fair share of Frankenstein fuckery was birthed into the realms. No, it didn’t all spawn from the many orifices of Niohuru’s Trashcan Children floor show, but we’re confident some brain worms Got a Tik Or two. Reminisce with us as we shine a spotlight on the Best Individual Looks of our Season 5 Monsters – in order of their offing, of course.

And if you’d like to find out what your favorite Monster says about you, find out here.

Disclaimer: No looks from the final floor show are in contention because they should have admitted themselves into the Underworld early if those aren’t their best.

Onyx Ondyx: The Unholy Pontiff (The Last Supper)

Onyk, Onyk, Onyk. Why did you wait until the reunion to pull out all the stops? Her time on this Earth was brief, but when the Boulets brought their Monsters back together for one final meal, Onyk Ondyx proved why all eyes were on her in the center of the ring, just like a circus. Putting the freak in this Shudder freak show, she is a master of body horror. This papal cenobite served up her scalp on a scarlet platter and had the congregation gagging.

Satanna: Mutha Superior (The Last Supper)

Some would say, “Not today, Satan,” but at the Golden Ghoulies, all we can think when we see Satanna’s reunion lewk is, “Well, yes!” Blasphemous and gorgeous all at once, she stunted pretty as an infernal priestess ready to wash away her cardinal sins. There were – perhaps unintended – layers to this fashion moment as Satanna herself admitted it was time to dust that chip off her shoulder and baptize herself anew. Please don’t get too nicey cutie on us, though.

Jarvis Hammer: The Spectral Hitchhiker (Ghosts of the Gatehouse)

The only Monster who showed up to compete previously deceased, Jarvis Hammer presented ghostbusting perfection during the Haunted Hotel floor show. His icy green accents were orgasmically ectoplasmic, and if it weren’t for a few wardrobe malfunctions (and if Jay Kay happened to slip on a few pearls), this poltergeist might have hammered home a win. Still, if you’re looking for a good time at any of the many sus motels on Route 666, hit him up on his socials. Ghosts doomscroll, too!

Anna Phylactic: Backstabbed Beauty (Ghosts of the Gatehouse)

An ethereal vision in ivory, Anna Phylactic’s boudoir beauty forgot to check all her angles after waking from a deep slumber. Hamming it up during the floor show like a Boulet-inspired version of Drew Barrymore’s Sugar from Batman Forever, this ice queen had a sanguine surprise coagulating on the back of her head. Anna’s lewk played flawlessly into her classic drag ghoul aesthetic, and its imagery left a devastatingly beautiful impression for the Haunted Hotel to carry for eternity.

Jay Kay: The Popper Bellhopper (Ghosts of the Gatehouse)

Jay Kay took a lot of shit from his fellow Monsters for frequently haphazard costuming, but the third and final lewk being honored from the Haunted Hotel floor show was right up his back alley. The natural boxiness of cardboard, Jay Kay’s fabric of choice, fit the theme like a puzzle piece as he strutted the stage in an uncharacteristically tailored bellhop design. A scalped skull and hollow chest were the icing on the cake, cementing this as a win for the punk rock peacock.

Cynthia Doll: The Shroom Sis (Terror in the Woods)

Oh, mami! She’s giving you all of that umami taste sensation, honey. The self-proclaimed high fashion nightmare lived up to her title in the inaugural floor show of the season, wiggling her couture chanterelle like Nickelodeon’s next It Girl. Take a bite off that mushroom cap, baby doll, and you’ll feel the Cynthia Doll high in no time. Just don’t ask her for directions when you get lost in the woods because her gay ass couldn’t help you to save her life.

Fantasia Royale Gaga: Teenta TurnTer (Gods of Death Part 1)

During the Monsters of Rock solo performance floor show, Fantasia commanded the stage like a glam rock queen. If her castmates’ main critique is that she doesn’t bring the horror and filth, Fantasia certainly embodied Royale Gaga glamour as she worked the room like Tina Turner covered in opulent and glittering chain mail. Attitude secures Fantasia’s bag, and she milked every last drop of it, booking a spot as frontwoman and outplaying those other groupies.

Blackberri: Fembot Sexpot (It Came From Beyond)

Clean, expensive, and understands the assignment – these are the chemical properties of a Blackberri. Fembots have feelings too, and her curvy chromatic sexpot sported two cone-shaped erogenous zones that gave the Boulets the ol’ razzle-dazzle. All tea all shade toward the other Monsters because Blackberri’s props always fulfill their duties when called to action. This particular lewk was sculpted with form-fitting precision and projected a silky smooth sheen that you can’t help but crave to caress.

Niohuru X: Fox Spirit “Huli Jing” (Terror in the Woods)

Mamma Mia, was this a hard choice! When it’s Nio’s turn to cross the threshold, you know you’re about to see living art. And while she had no hard boots this season, her demonic fox spirit of Chinese folklore entered the chat with rabid ferocity. If you weren’t familiar with her social media presence beforehand, this told you everything you needed to know. From the reverence for her Chinese culture to a wild yet refined aesthetic, Niohuru X has layers of darkness and silliness under that seemingly unapproachable exterior. 

Orkgotik: Leadyr Skynhead (Gods of Death Part 2)

While Ork’s grotesque Humanoid Hemorrhoid from Episode 2 nearly took this spot, his Monsters of Rock band leader lewk checked all the boxes. Focusing on a much more subtle point of view than his usual fare – wherein you sometimes don’t understand what you’re looking at – this root vegetable turned hellion phantasmagoria featured a sickening drag mug and dominating spirit that allowed Ork’s light to shine through the cracks in his shadow armor. In fact, the look was so cohesive that his band, Chaotik, followed suit and drank from the poisoned chalice to transform into a gaggle of Baby Orks. Who would have thought this floor show would do group possession better than The Exorcist: Believer?

Throb Zombie: Gawdzilla (Humongous Horrors)

Put down the fan fiction because if you’ve ever wanted to check out Godzilla with enormous breasts, The Boulet Brothers’ Dragula has you covered. As the season wore on, Throb continued to play with gender in a way not often seen on the show, and no look was more evident of this than their gender-bending take on the infamous King of the Monsters. Throb destroyed Hunty City with ferocious flamboyance like a pin-up model under a kaiju curse. It’s moments like these that remind you why the Boulets decided to carve out a space for alternative queer culture on TV.

Best Boulet Brothers Look: Sisterhood of Evil Mutants (Children of the Can)

Someone let Charles Xavier know that two Mutant Mothers of Mothlandia have arrived in Krakoa. What’s there to even say about this lewk other than those wigs are to DIE for?! Inspired by the deadly beauties of X-Men lore, this Episode 2 appearance by the Boulet Brothers upheld their dominance as the Queens of Samhain.

Best Wig: Fantasia Royale Gaga as Teenta TurnTer (Gods of Death Part 1)

This big, bodacious blonde bombshell of a wig allowed Fantasia’s Episode 4 floor show to come to life and seize the day. Sometimes less is more, and while it’s not a headpiece of laid intestines, it takes an impeccable stage presence to pull off something like this so effortlessly. The higher the hair, the closer to Gaga!

Top 3 Floor Shows:

As we mentioned at the show’s beginning, the Boulet Brothers took a seat in the director’s chair for Season 5, and one aspect of their pride and joy that greatly benefited from their new role was the floor shows. As discussed on their podcast and the reunion episode, they consciously tried to direct and edit the Monsters so that no one looked a fool. The evidence speaks for itself, even if you can sometimes tell that a Monster may have flopped based on the brevity of their cut. Add to this the revolving floor at the top of the stage that twirls them around like the E! Live 360 red carpet camera, and you have nine episodes of dark magic to be swept away in. These are the Top 3 Floor Shows of Season 5.

1. The Haunted Hotel (Ghosts of the Gatehouse): For good reason, three of our ten Monsters were awarded their Best Look of the season for this journey to the Overlook Hotel. Providing precisely the kind of alternative drag affair we look for on the show, this campy little number allowed us to see our Monsters put on the Ritz like you were visiting an LGBT speakeasy. For once, everyone was a hit in both looks and performance, and the silliness went on just long enough before the tides turned and things got dark. We need versatility from the world’s next Drag Supermonster, sis.
2. Drag Kaiju (Humongous Horrors): Bigger is typically better when it comes to drag. Blowing up our Monsters to city-sized proportions is excellent. It’s impossible not to embrace a childlike sense of glee regarding this challenge, and the Top 5 of Season 5 went bananas with it. Do you have pent-up rage after weeks of filming a high-stakes television show? Do you want to be carried around set like a serpentine Cleopatra? Have you always wondered what feeling taller than Drac would be like? Check, check, and check!
   
3. Blacklight Dark Ride (Ultraviolet Umbras): This assignment was not necessarily understood by all, but it was enjoyable to watch, and that’s what counts when you’re making good TV. Meant to be a throwback to 1980s haunted houses; it became a smorgasbord of random ideas that had nothing to do with 1980s haunted houses. Still, the excitement of what we’d see when the blacklights turned on was a pleasure, and even though the Boulets didn’t get Cynthia’s look, we know Oblina from Aaahh!!! Real Monsters! when we see her.

Floor Show Most Deserving of a Revival: Drag Kaiju (Humongous Horrors)

The Boulets adore the Monsters of Rock challenge – we know it isn’t going anywhere. However, if any floor show deserves to be revived in future seasons, it’s Drag Kaiju. Allowing the Monsters to look inward and outwardly express their biggest, baddest visions of self will forever pay off. No matter your style of drag, shoot for the stars, and you, too, will be able to smash, flutter, and fart your way through a miniature cityscape in a Los Angeles film studio.

Deadliest Extermination: The Birthing Simulator (It Came From Beyond)

Sure, jumping off a bridge into total darkness is terrifying – especially when Satanna’s at the top waiting to cut the cord – and there’s no way you’d catch us taking on a mouthful of maggots. Still, even the best of us can be humbled by a little thing called physical pain, and the birthing simulator in Episode 6 is a particularly sadistic exercise in the measure of a Monster. Jay Kay found out the hard way that the sensation of pushing a human out of your body is no laughing matter, despite getting different sorts of butterflies from the studly shirtless man administering the misery. And while no babies were harmed in the making of this extermination, one Mama of the Royale Gaga variety was, in fact, born. The Boulets are deranged AF for this one.

Runner Up: Bungee jumping off a bridge into total darkness IS fucking scary! Many average citizens would pass on the opportunity, but perhaps more would pass on simulating a birth.

Best Death Scene: Anna Phylactic (Gods of Death Part 2)

All of this season’s death scenes leaned heavily into horror homage, but none felt quite like a waking nightmare more than the death of one Anna Phylactic. Let loose in a dilapidated house, Anna hesitantly enters a room stacked with cloaked mannequins. Yes, the scariest part of a haunted house where you just know one of those mannequins is a real scare actor hired to aid in the shitting of your pants. It’s no surprise that Anna meets an untimely end, but the swift and brutal way in which the cloaked Boulet jumps out and stabs her in the jugular actually kinda scared us a little. We hope your casket cleared customs, love.

Runner Up: Onyx Ondyx having the life sucked out of her by bizarre little dolls crafted in the likeness of Episode 2’s Top 3 gave us a queasy and uneasy feeling.

Most Gag-Worthy Moment: A Literal Lip Sync For Your Life (Gods of Death Part 1)

The Boulet Brothers explicitly avoid the other L word when producing their show, which is understandable given its prominence in mainstream drag culture. This is, after all, a place for the outcasts. So when a mouthed moment makes that once-in-a-Blood-Moon appearance, you know it’s gonna be a gag. Such is the case in Season 5 when our hosts shocked ’em all and threw Episode 4’s bottom two (Jay Kay and Jarvis Hammer) into an R-rated lip sync battle – a franchise first. Jay Kay promptly lit the stage on fire and sent Jarvis straight to Hell. Then, in another first, we were treated to a direct transition into the (second?) murder of Mr. Hammer as we followed him backstage and under the weight of a rather hefty spotlight.

Runner Up: Fate found Cynthia Doll as Jay Kay cast The Curse of the Teletubby Toilet Bowl upon her, which forced her to do her floor show makeup in a porta-potty. Girl, why?

Biggest WTF Moment: Orio X Makeout Sesh

Rather than subjecting us to the laborious drama of a Titan-sized love triangle, Season 5 kept it quaint and stuck to a lovestruck duo. It was tongues – not claws – out while we watched the odd couple Niohuru X and Orkgotik find love in a desolate, hopeless place. It’s not so much the PDA as it is the PDA while in total Monster drag that makes their multiple on-camera makeout sessions the WTF Moments of the season. Watching Nio slather her tongue over Ork’s peeling prosthetics or Ork shove his tongue into the mouth of a gargantuan reptile is something you don’t see every day. The cast’s expressions ranged from utter disgust to “Are they done yet?” side-eye, injecting further humor into these uncomfortably adorable moments.

Runner Up: In the Cauldron after the Haunted Hotel floor show, Cynthia revealed Onyx Ondyx’s severed leg was in her prop suitcase the entire time. Girl, why? 

Most Hilarious Malfunction: Fantasia Accidentally Joining FeetFinder (Ultraviolet Umbras)

Look, this season involved a lot of props and wardrobe malfunctions. And while this coulda woulda shoulda leaves room for disappointment, no mishap left us giggling at the chaos more than Fantasia’s feet randomly protruding from her blacklight boa lewk in Episode 7. The woman simply looked TIRED as she dragged herself around that stage, her feet casually popping out of her elongated torso like little teats under the belly of the beast. Hindsight is 20/20 because only one episode later, she’d learn via Nio that she could have zipped it up and commanded the crew to carry her any which way.

Biggest Upset: Jay Kay Wins the Haunted Hotel Floor Show (Ghosts of the Gatehouse)

As the Monsters were made to lip sync to the 1913 Billboard Hot 100 hit “At the Devil’s Ball,” the Episode 3 floor show required an unhinged commitment only a punk like Jay Kay could pull off. Their charismatic and quirky charm dominated the week, and despite having already been exterminated, the resurrected Monster clawed his way to a win. This high was vindicating yet about to be tested because a trip to the Cauldron was next on the schedule…

Fiercest Fight: Jay Kay vs Orkgotik (Ghosts of the Gatehouse)

Many quarrels confounded the residents of Season 5, but most began and ended as obtuse disagreements on opinion, which is par for the course on reality TV. Determined to shake things up, Jay Kay, riding his aforementioned high, decided to have some funsies and poke the beast known as Orkgotik. After questioning Ork’s look and ability to remain out of the bottom, Ork clapped back with a handful of expletives and some shade of his own. Unbothered, Jay Kay got a little horny (?) and offered himself up to Ork, only to have a drink spilled on his head. It was a hot mess, and we loved every second. Plus, it gave us the forever gifable moment of a dazed and confused Fantasia looking directly into the camera like a gooped Betty Boop.

Most Heartwarming Moment: Nio and Throb Butch It Up (Ultraviolet Umbras)

Nio is a deathly gorgeous siren of the Underworld in and out of drag, but she needed some coaching when it came to going masc 4 masc for her Episode 7 floor show. Throb came to the rescue and unleashed the secret knowledge of the “Dorito Method,” in which one tightens their torso and leads with their shoulders. Grunts and titty jokes aside – this tender moment in gender studies brought together two very unlikely Monsters with whom we hadn’t seen much interaction, speaking to the power of drag both on and off the show.

Cynthia Doll holding the coveted Golden Breastplate trophy.

The Golden Breastplate Award of Honor: Cynthia Doll

The Second Annual Golden Breastplate Award™ reveres the most lovable Monster of the bunch whom you could not hate if Satan himself dangled you over the pits of Hell. Cynthia Doll is unfiltered, endlessly endearing, and bewitchingly erratic. She will defend herself and her friends while narrowly avoiding the crossfire because it bounces off of her like some perplexing permabuff. Trying to understand Cynthia Doll’s acid-tinged whimsy is an impossible task comparable to her attempt at explaining what a cube is. If she feels like enacting a dramatic death scene in the middle of a dark forest when not a single soul asked her to, she will. It’s Cynthia Doll’s world; we’re all just living in it. Pass the vibe check and get on her wavelength, or there’s the door, bitch!

That’s a wrap on the Second Annual Golden Ghoulie Awards! Our cauldron bubbled over with talent and iconic moments from this dynamic cast, and they indeed left an indelible mark on the franchise. If you are sitting in Orkgotik’s section, we have towels and combs to dry you off and remove the flayed skin from your hair. And remember, we hope you didn’t get too attached to the cast of Season 5; all but one is dead, and more sacrifices are needed before another round of Titans can commence. Until next year, Uglies!