All aboard, Uglies! We begin this week with a despondent tale set on the shores of the cold, cerulean sea. An ethereal voice recites a poem about a magical shell that will save oneself from misery and despair if your soul is bared unto it. Eternal happiness will be yours. A desperate man unearths this shell and follows its command. He lay in the sand with a twisted, euphoric grin on his face and is carried into the depths by the wraith-like Boulets, who emerge from the waters.
The Challenge: Our favorite catty little cadavers are sailing the high seas in the Ghostship of Glamour challenge. Glamour, if you remember, is one of the three tenants of The Boulet Brothers’ Dragula, and they must serve it in lost-at-sea abundance during a lipsync performance to the Boulet’s single “Wicked Love.” The newest Fright Feat tasks them with finding a key hidden in the boudoir: Whoever finds it may choose to save themselves from Extermination or put one of their fellow monsters up instead. After the boudoir is frantically turned upside down – and we are graced with Zavaleta’s angry masc4masc impersonation – Jade finds it, and her frenemy Betty is presumably screwed. Jade then proclaims herself to be a medium and proceeds to perform a silly seance in which she reads some of the monsters, including Saint’s tacky biscuit heels. Though easy to wade the shady Seas of Jolie, no one is safe from the tidal wave to come, and everyone must prepare.
The Drama: The dramatics swiftly resume once the remainder of Glam Rot returns to the boudoir. Jade is met with a “meh” from Zavaleta, Betty is given the cold shoulder from former friend Jade, and Sigourney receives perhaps too harsh of criticism from Betty; she suggests that, as a woman, Sigourney was given the rare chance to lead a group of drag queens and her failure is therefore compounded. Is this fair? Probably not, but Bitter Betty has unapologetically evolved into Petty Betty. Of course, the hateful Jetty (Jade/Betty) bickering continues, too. Insisting Jade is hiding her true colors, Petty B. wants Jade to reveal the bitch that she (supposedly) is. Be careful what you wish for, girl, because these words will come back to haunt you.
Floor Show & Judgment: The Boulets make a splashy entrance crowned in lethal diving helmets from 20 leagues below. In a comedic aside, seeing the pair break from their typical cool and collected selves, they discuss their regret in wearing something “fucking really uncomfortable” on their heads – fashion is pain, Uglies! A chilling floor show begins, and something about the Boulet’s song, joined with the ghostly visuals, cause this one to stand out. Before judgment begins, Jade is asked what she will do with her key, and after being pushed to her limit, mama is not playing it cool: Betty is automatically up for Extermination, and Jade is safe. With that band-aid ripped off, it’s time to learn who else has been trapped under the waves. Saint’s worst nightmare comes true, and despite being praised for her fabulous captain’s lewk, the win remains out of reach. Thus, the glamorous ghost and siren of the seven seas, Sigourney wins the top prize and beats out Dahli – much to the chagrin of Zavaleta. This leaves Zava (who underperformed), Betty, and Hoso (whose glamour is up for interpretation in a goddess-inspired look), as the exterminees. What follows is a Cauldron visit not unlike a Real Housewives brawl: Saint whines over being safe; Hoso uncharacteristically loses her composure and snaps at her competition; Zavaleta thinks Sigourney’s win is undeserved despite it being a glamour challenge (jealous much?); Betty is furious at Jade for being the bitch she asked her to be; Jade and Zavaleta unintelligibly yell at one another like gay mice. Haute Mess Express!
Extermination: The bottom three are led to a beach where they must pop a squat in the presumably frigid water and attempt to look fierce on some rocks. The results are mixed, and they all look miserable. Petty Betty wakes up alone, and a familiar shell is nearby in the sand. She speaks into it and is carried away to eternity.
Quote of the Episode: “This seance would be better if Jade knew how to read a bitch.” -Bitter Betty
Honorable Mention: Even though she won, Sigourney wasn’t given fair praise for doing so. She is the glamazon of the season, and to be frank; the other monsters don’t always serve the horror and filth they criticize her for lacking (especially compared to earlier seasons).
Rating: My favorite floor show so far is followed by Housewives level drama that’s reached its boiling point. (9/10 Unsinkable Ships)