It was only recently that I learned of the terrifying tales surrounding New Jersey’s Clinton Road. My girlfriend took me to the Warwick Drive-in for my birthday, and to get there, we had to travel the entire length of Clinton Road. I was first told that shutting off your lights at night will cause the headlights of a white pickup truck to appear behind you. Then, we passed Heartbeat Rock. And finally, I was told of the tribe of murderous little people who reside deep in the woods. I’m sure more stories surround the creepy road, but I was intrigued immediately.
When I learned there was a movie about Clinton Road, plainly titled Clinton Road, I knew I had to check it out.
A Mystery on Clinton Road
One year ago, Michael’s (Ace Young) girlfriend Jessica (Sarah Pribis) went missing on Clinton Road. He and his friends, Issabella (Katie Morrison), Gianna (Erin O’Brien), Tyler (Cody Calafiore), Kayla (Lauren LaVera), and Begory (James DeBello) decide to take a trip to Clinton Road to get to the bottom of her disappearance. Michael and his friends soon learn there’s a reason you don’t go in the woods after dark. Will they be able to get to the bottom of the mystery, or will they, too, become victims of the evil that lurks in the deep forest that surrounds Clinton Road?
Clinton Road is a truly awful movie. It has three credited writers: Noel Ashman, Derek Ross Mackay, and Steve Stanulis. It feels like it was written by a 10-year-old who heard stories about Clinton Road at summer camp and wrote a script about it after a fever dream. Ashman, Mackay, and Stanulis’s attempt at writing has resulted in one of the laziest, boring, and distractingly painful hour and 17 minutes of my life.
Poor Writing and Unengaging Characters
Rather than having the characters do anything interesting, these writers wrote a movie where TOO MANY characters waltz around the woods for 30-ish minutes and talk about things that not a single person cares about. Their complete and utter failure to make even a single second of this film interesting should be studied by scientists.
Directors Richard Grieco and Steve Stanulis fail to make the movie visually interesting in any single aspect. We spend an ungodly amount of time in a nightclub that’s shot in the most aimless way possible. Also, there’s this terrible monologue from Ice-T (yes) in the nightclub about Clinton Road where we don’t cut away from him for a SINGLE SECOND. We just listen to Ice-T mumble through his lines. Rather than filming with a soft blue light at night, Grieco and Stanulis decided to replace typical night-lights with a harsh, deep blue. It’s beyond distracting and washes everyone in a gross blue hue.
Not even Lauren LaVera or James DeBello could save this mess of on-screen diarrhea.
Take the Detour and Skip Clinton Road
I can give films a lot of leeway. When you’re watching something that’s low-budget, you have to know corners will be cut. However, the fact that they had the money to hire Ice-T, Vincent Pastore, and Eric Roberts, while still producing a movie with little to no action, suggests that this was nothing more than a vanity project for someone. I sincerely hope this film was a hit to Richard Grieco’s already rocky ego. Do yourself a favor and drive on Clinton Road rather than watching Clinton Road.
