Rise and shine, goblins and ghoulies; it’s another horrendous day at Camp HORROR PRESS! Today, we figured you’d want a break from the daily struggle of enduring the summer heat while counting down until nightfall. Archery lessons with Counselor Voorhees – who so generously procured targets from the camp across the lake – and arts and crafts with Captain Spaulding and Baby Firefly are, unfortunately, canceled.
Instead, the day’s itinerary will have you padlocked inside the cool, damp walls of the estate for a horror movie marathon like no other. A selection of delicacies for you to munch, crunch, and guzzle will be suggested, and be sure to keep your wits about, as there are alternate routes along this macabre adventure. Strap in, campers, and when the credits roll, we hope to find that at least a few of you have taken a wrong turn or two – sorry, but we need some open spots for next week’s Out of Darkness retreat with Sidney Prescott.
*All streaming titles are as of this writing
Morning Smoothie
No matter the weather, it’s always Halloween at Camp Horror Press, and what better way to kick off the festivities than with a nutritious blended beverage? The Tropical “Candy Corn” Smoothie from Boulder Locavore will put some pep in your step after rising from the wrong side of the bed. Who knows, maybe it’ll even inject a sprig of life into some of the more dead-eyed delinquents around here. You’re all gonna need it!
Death Proof (2007), 1h 53m – streaming free on Tubi
Quentin Tarantino’s back half of the double-billed feature, Grindhouse, an homage to 1970s exploitation flicks and the sticky theaters that screened them, is a slow burn of hot cars and fast women. You’ll reflect on whatever you were up to in the woods last night after lights out as tension ramps up around the jukebox at a roadside dive stalked by the devilish Stuntman Mike (Kurt Russel). Before long, you’ll be Googling Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich and rooting for revenge as the action heads onto the open road and into the blinding sun. It’s the perfect film to start things off and get your blood pumping.
‘Gator Bait (1973), 1h 28m – streaming on Shudder
This literal exploitation flick from the 1970s takes a shallow dive into the swamps of Louisiana and makes you appreciate how much the world has changed for the better, no matter how dark things may sometimes seem. Cajun Queen Desiree Thibodeau (Claudia Jennings) is wrongfully accused of murder, but predators soon become prey as they seek Desiree out on her turf. It’s crude, lewd, and quite rude, yet while there are some uncomfortable depictions of non-consent as per the genre, that and the film’s violence remain surprisingly brief. Don’t worry about all those bayou boogers because soon we’ll be going for a refreshing swim.
Afternoon Grill
As they say in The Hills Have Eyes, it’s fun to play with your food. Monster Burgers from Belly Rumbles are easy and make deliciously cute #Summerween social media content. Remember to refrigerate your raw remains and leftovers for a special late-night treat we’ll get to later.
Choose Your Own Adventure: Infested Waters
Anaconda (1997), 1h 29m – streaming free on Tubi
Please read in the voice of Don LaFontaine, the movie trailer guy:
If you’re feeling a classic 90s adventure movie starring JLo, Ice Cube, and Owen Wilson set in the Amazon rainforest. If you want to see some gutsy gore that somehow made it into a PG-13 movie. If you don’t mind hearing Jon Voight impersonate Scarface while saying “anacondas” approximately two dozen times. Choose Anaconda.
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The Shallows (2016), 1h 26m – streaming free on Tubi
While monster movie #1 has a man-eating snake, this path in the proverbial fork has Sully the Seagull! A taut shark attack thriller starring the chronically underrated Blake Lively, these waters are gorgeous, and the film’s emotional editing will hit you like a rogue wave. It’s undoubtedly one of the better single-location nail-biters out there, and we’d much rather spend 86 minutes on the beach than buried in a box (hi, Ryan!).
Choosing between JLo or Lively for your aquatic adventure may be challenging, but you’ll always have Sully by your side.
Choose Your Own Adventure: A Sweaty ’05 Afternoon
The Devil’s Rejects (2005), 1h 50m – streaming for free Tubi and Pluto
We’re leaping out of hot water and into the oven, so there’s no need to reach for disinfectant or a towel. This road trip movie from Hell is objectively one of director Rob Zombie’s better outings. It’s wickedly sadistic and downright sassy, and everything about its production screams summer filth. So, if you’re curious about our resident Fireflies’ run-ins with the law between fleeing their House of 1000 Corpses and setting up camp at the Horror Press estate, think about putting on your best Lynyrd Skynyrd tee and joining in on the fun.
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The Skeleton Key (2005), 1h 44m – streaming on Starz
True Blood has been absent from our lives for far too long, but if you’d rather its steamy Southern Gothic supernatural drama vibes over Zombie’s unrelenting gore, Kate Hudson and Gena Rowlands have you covered. Miss Hudson – another criminally underestimated actress whose talents measure far beyond romcoms – leads the charge as a hospice nurse working in an old plantation house who can’t help but ignore the age-old “don’t go in there!” adage. It may not have the deft touch of a filmmaker like Jordan Peele at its helm, but we can’t help but imagine its subversive ending inspired Get Out at least a little bit.
Choose Your Own Adventure: Summer Horror Classic
We could easily tie you to a chaise lounge, press play on a more traditional lineup, and head back underground as you enjoy what are – rightfully so – undisputed champs of the genre. And while we don’t do things by the book here at Camp Horror Press, that doesn’t mean we will entirely ignore the season’s forefathers and newly celebrated hits.
Whether you’ve seen them a thousand times over, love the remake more, or missed out on a recent addition to the crew, now’s the time to get basic with a single summer horror classic to round out the middle of our marathon.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974 / 2003), 1h 23m / 1h 38m
Jaws (1975), 2h 4m
The Hills Have Eyes (1977 / 2006), 1h 30m / 1h 47m
Piranha / 3D (1978 / 2010), 1h 33m / 1h 28m
Friday the 13th (1980), 1h 35m
The Burning (1981), 1h 31m
Sleepaway Camp (1983), 1h 24m
I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997), 1h 40m
The Cabin in the Woods (2012), 1h 35m
The Final Girls (2015), 1h 31m
Midsommar (2019), 2h, 28m
Evening Libation
At this point in the day, a refreshing breeze has begun to waft over the estate as dusk’s bugs and boos stir. The grill should still be prepped and ready to go, so when it comes to dinner, that’s on you, but we suggest accompanying it with a crisp concoction to calm your nerves and loosen your inhibitions. The May Queen Lemonade from our friends at Geeks Who Eat is infused with chamomile to chill you out as you get your buzz going, and of course, it’s easy to make sans spirits for those who don’t imbibe.
Influencer (2023), 1h 32m – streaming on Shudder
This Shudder exclusive has something to say about the “fauxotic” lives of the social media elite while setting itself in the truly exotic Thailand. Madison (Emily Tennant) learns the ropes of the lonely life of an influencer while vacationing in the lush locale and, as a result, is perhaps too willing to trust a friendly face that appears IRL. Shudder isn’t afraid to push out fresh concepts, and – like the duality of its subject matter – it’s the perfect transition from day to night in our lineup.
Summer of ’84 (2018), 1h 45m – streaming on Shudder
Another Shudder original is here to make us question what’s real, and this time it’s a throwback to a decade saturated with summer horror. A pleasant nostalgia trip about a group of friends who are convinced their neighbor is a serial killer, it’s very The Goonies by way of Stranger Things. Its young cast shines just as bright as those of the pop culture behemoths. We wouldn’t want you caught up in the happy-go-lucky feels for too long, so don’t be surprised if the third act gets dicey.
Choose Your Own Adventure: Favorite Friday
Friday the 13th: Part 2 (1981), 1h 26m – streaming on Showtime
Moving on from hypothetical serial killers to the real deal, the original summer camp slasher from 1980 birthed this franchise and countless more copycats. Yet, after you wipe off the gore-tinted glasses, it becomes clear that a few of its sequels commit patricide. For starters, even though Pamela Voorhees is a horror icon in her own right, it’s Part 2 that introduces Jason as the ultimate baddie of midsummer stalking. The sequel does away with the Giallo-like mystery of the killer’s identity to show us Jason’s hulking form in all his glory, boasting gorier and more exciting kills. We’re also treated to a competent final girl to root for in Ginny (Amy Steel), who uses her brains to outwit Jason’s brawn. The final showdown between the pair will have you gagging at Ginny’s implementation of Pamela’s crusty blue sweater as a critical component in her escape plan.
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Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984), 1h 31m – streaming on Showtime
What is arguably the best in the franchise due to its strong narrative (for a slasher, anyway) and a plethora of excellent kills, The Final Chapter is anything but the last nail in Jason’s coffin. It’s got decently fleshed-out characters, Crispin Glover dancing like only Crispin Glover can do, ties to its predecessors, and an ending that’ll leave you speechless. By all accounts, the infamous killer should have gone out on a high note after this outing. Still, if he did, we wouldn’t have been blessed with sequels that introduce telekinesis, an inexplicably long ferry ride into Manhattan, and a literal trip to Hell that has fans arguing online to this day. Whichever Friday you choose, the night is only getting darker.
Late Night Snack
This one’s an original creation of yours truly. Bring out that leftover Monster Burger meat and crack open some crunchy taco shells. Add lettuce, shredded cheese, and top it off with this recipe’s secret ingredient: ketchup. That’s right, your mind has just been blown at the revelation of Meatloaf Tacos. It tastes just like a bite-sized version of the home-cooked staple! And if there’s no more fresh meat to spare, grab some value tacos over at your Mexican fast-food joint of choice – no other toppings, though – and ask for a few packets of ketchup. Oh, the things we come up with when we run out of hot sauce…
Choose Your Own Adventure: Sleazy Slasher
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986), 1h 40m – streaming on Max
Horror icon Tobe Hooper decided the follow-up to his legendary 1974 film would be as deranged as the cannibalistic Sawyer family at its center. A twelve-year wait for the sequel allowed him to take some liberties with the tone, and while it may be too weird for some, it’s absolutely our brand of freaky. Campy, unhinged line deliveries by final girl – and Sookie Stackhouse lookalike – Stretch (Caroline Williams) and Sawyer family reject Chop-Top (Bill Moseley) provide giggles and gif-able moments galore. It should come as no surprise that this mayhem served as inspiration for Rob Zombie’s filmography. Sprinkle in a second-act jump scare for the ages, and it’ll be a miracle if you can close your mouth long enough to swallow a Meatloaf Taco.
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X (2022), 1h 46m – streaming on Showtime
The first film released in Ti West’s surprise slasher trilogy is the sexier option for your dose of summer sleaze dopamine. In 1970s rural Texas, a crew of hot-bodied youths are on a mission to make the ultimate in elevated pornography, but instead, sacrifice themselves to the horror movie gods and produce a modern classic. The story boasts an excellent cast – rounded out by two killer scream queens (Jenna Ortega and Mia Goth) and an unexpectedly cunning new villain. Horror isn’t typically family-friendly, but this one has certainly seen some pearls clutched. Take note, campers!
The Lost Boys (1987), 1h 37m – available to rent on Amazon
The perfect late-night blaster, it’s all moody sand and fog in this beachside teen vampire smash hit. There’s a reason this one stands the test of time despite being so entrenched in its 80s roots; between its iconic cast, outstanding punk rock costume design, and entrancing synth-rock soundtrack – you can’t look away. And vampires, everyone loves those! If you’ve lasted this long, the witching hour draws nears, and there’s no better way to celebrate than with some creatures of the night.
Slumber Party Massacre (2021), 1h 26m – streaming on Shudder
A meta requel of the cult classic, it not only lampoons genre tropes but also finds a way to reverse engineer them. Nothing is what it seems, and it manages to juggle tone and terror with surprising agility until the bitter end. And for those who can’t help but cringe at the rampant over-sexualization of women while watching some of horror’s greatest hits, know that the inverse of that trend is also explored here – teehee.
Do you hear that humming noise? It’s the Driller Killer! Just kidding, it’s only Jennifer Love Hewitt sawing off the padlocks – every year, she volunteers here for a week as penance for I Still Know What You Did Last Summer.
Anyway, the slumber party’s over! You’ve survived a full-day marathon of the season’s slimiest and zaniest films, and we hope you had a hell of a time doing it. Now scurry back to your cabin, and watch out for rogue machetes…Jason’s a little peeved that we canceled his mom’s archery lessons.
