Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the most relatable Monster of all? The fifth season of The Boulet Brothers’ Dragula has just about dumped a gallon of gore on its winner (hopefully…I’m looking at you, Titans), so surely you must have a fave by now. Someone you’ve added to your dream blunt rotation or bottomless brunch guest list. A Monster you can’t help but feel affection toward because they resonate with who you are at your very core. You might not be on the show, but that’s not stopping you from giving a sickening floorshow in your living room, honey! Let’s peek behind the velvet curtain and discover who you are.
What Your Favorite Monster from The Boulet Brothers Dragula: Season 5 Says About You
Onyx Ondyx
You know those viral videos of some stunt gone wrong where a guy lights a firework in his ass or lands in a tree instead of the pool? Yeah, that’s you. The life of the party and a frequent flier at the emergency room, you’re anything but a wallflower. When you’re not scratching off another of your nine lives, you’re reveling in your accomplishments and chatting away with anyone who will listen. To cheat death so many times and remain an effervescent doll is endearing, truly.
Satanna
To you, the duality of man means only one thing: Tiffany Valentine and Lana Del Rey. Your beauty is your siren song, and you will only leave the house with full glam and the caffeinated beverage of your choice. Friends are hard to come by because you will read even your grandmother for filth if she looks at you sideways, but those within your inner circle are ride or die. If people prefer their heads on their shoulders, they should think twice about airing grievances against you.
Jarvis Hammer
If Anna Phylactic is London’s West End, Jarvis Hammer is Studio 54. In this stage play we call life, your mise-en-scène is wild and debaucherous. It’s glam rock and mezcal martinis all the way – always in character and never afraid to get weird. Saltburn is currently on the tip of everyone’s tongue, but you can pass up a screening because you’re living it, grave humping and all.
Anna Phylactic
You’re a consummate professional who lights the room on fire before dipping out early to inject Sleepytime Tea into your veins and catch up with Sonja and Luann on RHONY: Legacy. Anna brings old-school theatricality to Season 5, and there’s no doubt you were a theatre kid in high school. Midnight screenings of Rocky Horror and a good cuppa are your jam; you’re never without a cheeky grin. In fact, you’re the sweetest bitch anyone’s ever met. You might not be the filthiest Monster of the bunch, but you’ll kill ‘em with kindness.
Jay Kay
You’re a hot mess, and we love you for it…sometimes. A good-time girl through and through, you keep everyone in the friend group on their toes with your adorable chaos. Will they get a charismatic, chain-smoking Natasha Lyonne spouting off wisecracking anecdotes, or will it be a Lindsay Lohan circa 2007 kind of night? No one knows for sure, and neither do you. It may not be very punk rock, but perhaps you should invest in a Life Alert, sweetie.
Cynthia Doll
You’re a Millennial Mama whose brain was mutated by the irreverence of 90s Nickelodeon shows before graduating to MySpace and, finally, running your Instagram account like the Navy. Fashion and sex go hand in hand, and when the sun goes down, you switch that kitty on like a nightlight. Not to be dramatic, but you’re kinda dramatic, and it’s totally never your fault. Cynthia embodies a level of high-energy bimbo delusion that can’t be taught, and you never made it to class on time, anyway.
Fantasia Royale Gaga
An intimidating beauty both inside and out, you are the body and the brains of whichever situation you find yourself in. No one can tell you shit, and you never asked for their opinions. That’s not to say you don’t have a softer side. When times get tough, or the feels are being felt, the mean mug melts, and Fantasia Royale Mama comes through. Whether stepping on necks or providing a comforting chest to cry on, you are unapologetically yourself. God save the queen!
Blackberri
A nicey cutie to a fault, people don’t always take you seriously, but much like Blackberri’s run on the show, you don’t bottom in public. You also love a good theme, and – whether it be a birthday party or a trip to the dentist – you are living the fantasy and will come correct. The phrase “jack of all trades” can sometimes be seen as a negative, but when you’re gagging the peasants every time you clack your heels out the front door, does it really matter?
Niohuru X
All the world’s a floorshow, and you’re serving divine drama at every turn. You wear your heart – and darkness – on your sleeve and aren’t afraid to get freaky with it. You’re That Girl who returns from a day at the thrift store and assembles next season’s couture by week’s end. Parents clutch their pearls when you strut by looking like a sexy succubus in twelve-inch heels, and you can barely stifle a giggle. Niohuru means “wild wolf” in Manchu, and you’re always hungry for more.
Orkgotik
You have no idea why, but you’ve always had a soft spot for Hellraiser and pulled pork. The outskirts of the fringes of society are what you call home. The inside of your mind is tantamount to watching Skinamarink on a loop, and you once scared your sleep paralysis demon back to the underworld. Your only fear was a giant rat gnawing off your lips in the middle of the night, and now you keep one named Pazuzu as a pet. Your guardians are Dracmorda and Swanthula, and their power over you is waning. The night is dark and full of terrors.
Throb Zombie
Halloween is evergreen in your household. At Horror Press, our motto is, “You don’t have to get spooky if you stay spooky,” and you’d probably fit right in. You have a closet full of horror movie tees to wear while streaming Dead By Daylight on Twitch, and much like when you main Ghostface, you’re a silent killer when it comes to getting what you want. Confidence is killer.
Do you feel validated? Exposed? Insulted? Hopefully, all of the above! And if none of these creatures inhabit your inner being, perhaps you’re a Drac or a Swan. After all, someone has to be the puppetmaster, cackling on the throne while their minions dance.