In space, no one can hear you flush. And since the coven is doing some post-Spooky Season cleaning, it was pronounced “Ovska for Miss Yovska” last week and their swamp was drained. Now, our precious little witch bitches are trading in their muddy stilettos for a pair of space booties and continuing their journey to slay them all and reign supreme. It’s time to see who can best channel their inner Event Horizon fantasy and make Astrud’s Season 4 Xenomorph look so last season. Rita Repulsa, eat your heart out.
The Challenge
While they await the go-ahead from Miss Houston of the Haus of Mission Control, the Titans convene in the Boudoir to discuss last week’s witchy wonders and who’s probably gotten the chop. Everyone agrees that Erika’s Curse of Baldness was more of a blessing for Abhora, who had a great week with their wild spiral lewk. It appears Erika was the unlucky soul who endured a less desirable candy-coated night. Always one to dabble in the dramatic arts, Abhora claims it was hurtful for Erika to be so petty toward her frenemy. Erika insists petty is not in her vocabulary, but as we continue to see with our Uglies this season, prosthetic queen Victoria isn’t the only one with two faces. Once Kendra makes her grand return to the Boudoir – to no one’s surprise – she calls out Astrud and Evah for their alleged duplicitous commentary before last week’s elimination. The great chanteuse Paris Hilton once told us stars are blind, but perhaps these ghouls should pluck a few more eyeballs to keep watch for an attempted backstabbing, or two.
Back at the launch pad, the Boulets appear via satellite to inform their Titans of this week’s challenge: Science-Fiction Horror. They must conceptualize, design, and create a look to fit this theme, and while it can range from terrifying to retro-futuristic, it must reflect their drag above all else. However, before they can prepare for blast-off and figure out a way to strap Koco’s curvy figure into a spacecraft, the Fright Feat awaits.
Fright Feat
While these Titans are technically undead and could probably survive a few minutes with no oxygen and zero gravity, the Boulets would never send their Uglies to explore deep space unprepared. The underworldly explorers enter a dingy hallway shrouded in misty green light in a fun Saw-like segue reminiscent of the cold opens from regular seasons. They meet their hunky alien drill sergeants and come face to face with the Gravitron Vomitorium. Locked inside claustrophobic boxes, they must avoid using their faces as barf bags and endure heavy g-forces while the contraption spins for three minutes. Kendra admits something like this is her worst fear, and after watching the Titans swirl and twirl for a bit, they all seemingly make it out with their stomachs intact. Surprisingly, HoSo admits this to be the worst experience they’ve ever had on the show thus far, which is quite the feat.
The Real HouseUglies of the Underworld
It wouldn’t be Titans without a disproportional amount of interpersonal drama oozing its way through the Boudoir, and this week, the chaos reaches head-spinning levels of melodrama – Andy Cohen, are you watching? Melissa stirs the pot first by exhuming the lone Yovska vote from week one and asks HoSo if they’ll always be out to protect Abhora. HoSo gives a politically correct answer and states that they love Abhora as an artist and would not want to see them go so soon. Girl, you can try and be Switzerland all you want, but as Kendra lovingly puts it, getting “hugged the fuck up” with Astrud during filming is both somewhat unprofessional and hurtful toward Abhora. HoSo uses their idolization of Abhora as an excuse to avoid confronting the problem but isn’t letting such a volatile situation go nuclear as you look the other way just as problematic? Ideally, Abhora will focus on the $100,000 prize and compartmentalize the heartbreak for another time, but this is the agent of chaos we’re talking about.
Astrud is likewise bothered by the situation despite actively taking part and attempts to hash it out with Abhora. As expected, nothing is solved and everyone – including Abhora’s bestie Evah – is becoming increasingly tormented by this love triangle from Hell.
In a moment that is all things cringe, enlightening, and heartwarming, Evah attempts to sort things through with Abhora despite her frustrations. Melissa sees this as an example of two-faced behavior, but true friends can be compassionate and express their frustrations, no? Abhora is so upset that they stand facing the wall and away from the camera’s gaze. In the end, it seems they realize that anger and resentment are not healthy coping mechanisms. Progress? Stay tuned!
Kendra beckons Melissa to the cauldron to take some shots and spill the tea away from prying eyes. Koco soon joins them, and KoMelDra is back in action, plotting against the Love Triangle Thotties. Koco suggests letting the others be their own undoing, as they should focus on being at the top. They can prance over the corpses of their self-destructive enemies in the finale. It’s here that Melissa also reveals some troubles from home that have been affecting her time on the show, and suddenly her annoyance with the love triangle makes more sense. In an especially cruel brand of spite, her husband left her a week before filming Titans, which has left her at an emotional disadvantage heading into the competition. Kendra and Koco tell her to use the pain as fuel, and she says that’s exactly what she’ll do.
The following day, Kendra and Evah squash their beef from the week prior while Abhora remains unfocused and bothered that no one cares. I feel for you, beaked icon, but ultimately everyone is there to compete for fame and fortune rather than play nice. Some residual drama continues, and Koco calls it back to Blue’s Clues by requesting a handy dandy notebook to keep track of the theatrics. And speaking of theatrics, the Titans give us another silly montage as they make tin foil hats out of Koco’s leftover costume materials. Comedic relief: We love to see it.
Floor Show & Judgment
Our deep space deities, the Boulet Brothers, enter the main stage serving dainty galactic bug. I’d never thought I’d use that word to describe them, but watching them flutter their capes and traipse around the stage in delicate movements is the biggest gag of the episode. I guess evil does have a cutesy side! The duo then introduce guest judges, actor David Dastmalchian – who gives Crispin Glover a run for his oddball money – and their favorite martian, drag superstar Alaska Thunderfuck 5000. A vintage intro that looks like a cross between the video game series Mass Effect and the V/H/S films plays, and the floor show begins.
Astrud starts it off by serving Ivan Primordial Ooze realness. She’s taken all the eyeballs her fellow competitors need to watch their backs and transformed into a bio-goop beast, slinking around like M3GAN in the apocalypse. Koco follows, commanding the stage like Mega-Man’s horny younger sister. She looks absolutely sickening as she makes love to her oversized blaster cannon. It’s even adorned with a small mirror so that she can take in all her beauty as she rides that retro rocket to completion and decimates her foes. Erika, looking the most horrific she’s ever managed as a neon Day Glo Ghidorah is next. Taking a page from Victoria, she uses heavy prosthetics for the first time, and it works, despite a body suit that’s a bit too frumpy.
Abhora then materializes on stage in a typically polarizing lewk. Governed by a sphere around her head and chained into couture, she bites a pigeon’s head off and gives us angel-eater end-of-the-universe perfection. It’s very final boss of a JRPG, but considering the theme, it’s a bit too out there for most. Kendra seeks to one-up Abhora with a performance that’s simultaneously hilarious and baffling. Looking like a character from the 90s Nickelodeon show Doug, she sports a British accent and screams the following into a Nintendo Switch controller:
“BITCH! Grandmother bitch! What do you want?! I’m out with the girls! I’m going to the Protozoa concert later. Grandmother bitch said it was fine! It’s her fucking money! You know she’s your fucking mother! Bitch! Bitch! Grandmother bitch!”
She then poops out some sort of egg and eats it. I have no idea who/what/where/when/why this happened, but it was certainly a choice. HoSo, ironically, makes things sane again as a cyborg schoolgirl with swordplay skills. Going on two seasons in a row of their usual smorgasbord of the senses visual style is becoming a bit too expected, but as usual, it’s presented in detailed perfection.
Evah, Melissa, and Victoria are left to finish the show. Evah, doing her best Biqtch Puddin’ janitor, is a murderous robo-maid with a deadly mop. She nails the movements and has some great props, but the outfit needed a bit more work to make it stand out. Melissa enters as a glamorous Predator who dazzles the stage in a sparkling bejeweled custom bodysuit. It’s a bit on the nose (this isn’t the Horror Icons challenge), but she looks stunning. And finally, Victoria ends the night with a breathtaking display of grotesque horror. In homage to The Thing, she’s under head-to-toe prosthetics as a gnarly monster with an explosive and spikey chest piece. If Abhora was the final boss of a JRPG, Victoria is that of a Resident Evil game.
The Boulets are impressed, stating that it’s the best floor show of the season. Melissa and Erika are safe and excused from the stage, and it’s clear Erika is a bit taken aback as she went all-in this time and hoped to be at the top. Astrud is praised for her complex work this week, but the judges were left a bit unimpressed by her hectic performance. Koco is congratulated for bringing her sexy, unique drag to the challenge, but it wasn’t enough to snatch the crown. It’s left to HoSo and Victoria, who each wowed the judges, and since this is a sci-fi horror double feature, both Titans win!
Evah, Abhora, and Kendra remain in the bottom and are appropriately chewed out. Evah is scolded for bringing store-bought items to the main stage, but the Boulets give her another chance and allow her sanctuary. Dracmorda loved Abhora’s look, going so far as to suggest a career in fashion design, but it did not fit the challenge for them. And finally, despite the hilarity of her batshit performance, Kendra was wearing the most basic outfit imaginable. The pair head into the Cauldron to await their fate.
Last Rites
Kendra understands she and Abhora have a similar track record, but defends her position by stating that, once again, it is unclear what Abhora is supposed to be. Abhora finally realizes that she’s trying to stand out a bit too much, sabotaging herself as a result, and everyone expectedly agrees that Abhora will be the one to go. If you thought this moment of self-realization would be left unscathed, you’re in for a shock. Abhora throws all caution to the wind as they curse out everyone in the room for thinking so poorly of them. They burn every bridge imaginable, and even HoSo thinks it may be their time to go.
Each Titan heads up the Staircase of Souls for the second time this season, and the tension is thick. Somewhat surprisingly, “KENDRA” called, and she plunges into darkness. Two Titans down.
Quote of the Episode
“Oh come on. So we’re supposed to compete with Universal Studios?” -Abhora, on special effects wizard Victoria
Honorable Mention
Koco’s outfits are always skimpy, and sometimes that can be a detriment, but tonight she was the epitome of Koco Caine. The competition is fierce, but Koco is fiercer, and it was fitting to see her at the top despite not being as heavily detailed as some others.
Rating
The triangle of sadness drama is wearing thin, but at least for now, it remains entertaining. Add to this a cosmic floor show for the ages and a bottom two where either one could drop, and episode 3 made for some great TV. (9/10 missed voicemails from Grandmother Bitch)