Calling all the basic witches! Put on your dusty wigs and moth-eaten capes, and grab your moldy chalices because another serving of drag, filth, horror, and glamour is bubbling in the cauldron. After a legendary opening night of The Boulet Brothers’ Dragula: Titans, the smoke has settled, and the stage is set for an epic showdown. Shade has been thrown so far and wide that it’s almost impossible to make out a Teletubby from a toilet bowl, but after a kaiju-sized episode, we now have a better understanding of who these Titans are since their time spent six feet under. And while we saw Abhora, the purveyor of chaos, cast back into oblivion, Halloween isn’t over for the Boulet Brothers. It appears they have one more trick up their bewitching couture.
Before that trick can be treated, our chronically costumed creatures enter the boudoir for a fresh day in Hell, and the shit-talking commences. Not fond of this particular form of a death drop, the Titans are still in disbelief over the floor-dropping elimination they witnessed last week. Erika – forever bruised like a bad apple – insists she will neither forgive nor forget being voted into the bottom. Evah’s pissed too, only her anger is directed towards Abhora due to their defeatist attitude, and most others agree. Well, aside from HoSo and Astrud, who have empathy for their beaked beau and wish the world could have seen more of Abhora’s art.
With those words, the first spell of the episode is cast as Abhora – cupping an iconically creepy baby doll mug for all the tea she overheard – casually strolls into the boudoir. Everyone is understandably shocked by this turn of events, and lore-wise it doesn’t make any sense – Miss Thing had been banished into oblivion with no explanation for her return! Some are bothered, but Evah hugs her friend, relieved to see her back for a second (third?) chance. HoSo and Astrud, meanwhile, are overjoyed as their horniness gets the better of them. All three embrace, despite Astrud and Abhora not-so-secretly wanting to murder each other over the beloved third in their throuple. Kendra, always the voice of reason, shrugs her shoulders and says the show must go on, and so it does as the cast is beckoned to the main stage.
The Challenge
None of us like to see corporate America turn Halloween into the holidays overnight, so in Samhain’s spirit, the Boulet Brothers are keeping the spook alive with a Revenge of the Witch challenge. Considering the return of our favorite witchy weirdo, it’s quite the apt title. The Uglies must design and create an original and terrifying look based on the iconic theme of the witch. Creativity is key, but their unique brand of drag must not get lost in the brew. But the real kicker of this challenge is that they must also create a pair of custom-made shoes to go with their witchy wardrobe and serve it ancient city style to a lip sync performance of a “special song” the Boulets have picked out. It’s giving Pearl in her Wicked Witch of the West fantasy.
Fright Feat
Not one to forget torturing their cast for entertainment, the Boulets announce that this week’s Fright Feat is to play and survive a game of Burn the Witch in which they’ll be served some of the hottest foods on the planet. Whoever manages to stuff it all down like Vhagar the dragon, will be given the ability to cast The Curse of Baldness on a fellow competitor. In a wig-snatching twist, the cursed Titan’s wig or headpiece will evaporate for the entirety of the floor show. As Melissa so eloquently puts it, they will be “bald, just pelona, bald.” Given the typically grotesque nature of this show’s lewks, being a bald baddie may prove less of an issue for some more than others, so it would be wise to direct this witchcraft strategically.
HoSo quips that they’re “worried for a lot of white people here,” while Erika the Extermination Kween says she is determined to win the Feat and prove her worth. Kendra leads a toast as they gulp down their first ill-advised consumable, and the ‘ookiest episode of Hot Ones begins!
Level 1: Vato Loco Blood Mary – Easy, right?
Level 2: Cayenne-laced Jalapeño – Tears are welling.
Level 3: Moruga Scorpion Peanuts – Gags are gagging.
Level 4: Plutonium No. 6 Hot Sauce – Snot is flying.
Level 5: Hellfire Wasabi Habaneros – Yovska and Koco are first out.
Level 6: Ghost Chili Pepper Amuse-Bouche – HoSo and Evah lead the charge as the Uglies start dropping like flies.
Level 7: Whole Ghost Chili Pepper – Melissa and Victoria are out.
Level 8: Trinidad Scorpion Chocolate – Abhora, Erika, and Kendra remain.
Level 9: Whole Carolina Reaper Pepper – Kendra is out, leaving last week’s bottom two to battle for the win.
Level 10: Pepper X – A bonus round, since production did not think anyone would last this long.
Level 11: All Levels Combined – Somehow, Abhora and Erika stuck it out this long and are forced to consume everything on the list at once.
Ultimately, Erika licks her plate clean first and prevails. Without any semblance of strategy, she predictably casts The Curse of Baldness upon Abhora for “doubting” her during the Feat, which she later explains was to put Abhora in her place.
And with that tomfoolery finished, Koco leads a group vogueing session to the tune of “Who that witch bitch?” while Erika presumably sets fire to the rain in the restroom.
Floor Show & Judgment
The lights dim, and all oxygen is sucked out of the room. The Boulet Brothers appear on the main stage with high ponytailed deep space lewks that can only be described as “Ellen Ripley listened to Ariana Grande while skinning a Xenomorph.” The pair introduce returning guest judges Bonnie Aarons of The Nun, whose enthusiasm for horror is always appreciated, and Darrein Stein, director of Jawbreaker and first-ever guest judge on the show way back in Season 1.
The first true floor show of the season begins, and the witchy mist-shrouded silhouettes we love to see, appear on stage. This eeriness does not last long, though, because the super secret lip sync song is revealed to be the early aughts viral-before-there-was-viral classic “Shoes” by Kelly. Gagula has somehow gotten gayer and the juxtaposition of these (mostly) terrifying witches performing such a silly and flamboyant song is hilarious. The clear lipsync assassins of the night are Kendra, Evah, HoSo, and Koco. Kendra is nothing if not a performer, with Koco not far behind, and Evah and HoSo bring their characters to life with broom and bubble wand props, respectively. Astrud and Erika kinda-sorta-not-really-vogue-the-house-down-toots, while Yovska, Victoria, and Melissa fade into the background. And finally, the resurrected witch bitch, Abhora, quite honestly slays the performance despite suffering from curse-induced alopecia. Their performance is campy, creepy, and everything we love about that goon.
Now, let’s get some shoes. The Titans model their hooves for the judges, and the Boulets are left somewhat unimpressed. They describe a disconnect between those who succeeded and those that stepped in shit. Erika, displaying a candy corny witch lewk and poorly performed lip sync, remains safe due to a sickening runway in which she literally gags on a sickle. Her fellow Haus of Basic competitor, Astrud, gets by on all looks and no substance, and Koco remains safe by doing the opposite. Abhora, always her own worst enemy, could have easily been at the top of this challenge. Their shoes were Dracmorda’s favorite of the night, and her spiral design turned her Curse in on itself, but as usual, they could not get through the performance without tripping over themselves.
Melissa, serving Diane Keaton back from the dead First Wives Club eleganza, tried a bit too hard with the prosthetics. While not necessarily bad, it isn’t the “deadly, serving, c*nty” Melissa BeFirece we know and love, and Titans is not the time to try something new. She remains safe, with her bottom-landing critiques more of a warning than a scolding. Kendra, on the other hand, performed to perfection, but her shoes were the worst of the week as she hardly customized them at all. And finally, Yovska gets into trouble for serving last week’s Abhora. During judgment, their skull-themed candy witch becomes an eyesore under the harsh studio lights, and their paper mache shoes are hardly visible underneath the outfit. Potion backfired.
That leaves Victoria, Evah, and HoSo at the top of the coven for this week’s challenge. Victoria, as expected, looks fantastic as a one-eyed witch who carries her plucked oculus in a jar of its own. Her bony shoes are jaw-dropping, but her performance was lacking compared to her sisters. HoSo wowed the judges in rat-strewn shoes as a Mad Catter animalistic witch who wears their victims like this year’s runway. But their witch-adjacent vibe isn’t enough for the win, and so it’s handed to Evah Destruction. Evah’s witch lewk may be a bit on the nose, but that’s exactly what’s so charming about it. The broomography sold her performance, and her shoes looked as if the Book of the Dead had a date with a cobbler. She’s over the moon with positive critiques. Blessed be!
Last Rites
The voting from last week, which added a certain level of spice to the competition due to a lack of Exterminations, is strangely missing this time. Instead, Yovska and Kendra must await the Boulet’s final judgment backstage while the ghouls get to gaggling. As such, the drama is fairly chill this week, with the biggest scuffle occurring between Kendra and Yovska. Kendra seems to be asking the others who did the worst for the pleasure of hearing Yovska’s name called out, which Yovska says comes across as a display of insecurity. A small cussing match ensues between the duo and Koco, who sticks up for Kendra before everyone agrees to disagree and shuts up. But before any souls can be damned, production creates some drama of its own by conveniently forgetting to clean up a vote from last week. Abhora quietly saunters over and sees that the name written down is Yovska, and HoSo admits to voting for them in an attempt to stave off votes from one-third of their throuple. Abhora’s revelry is short-lived as HoSo and Astrud fondly reminisce on a hot wax session that fell between the “cracks.” Oh my!
The time has come for Kendra and Yovska to climb the Staircase of Souls and brace for impact. In congruence with everyone’s thoughts backstage, Yovska is the unlucky soul. They drop into oblivion, and we watch as their portrait appears where Abhora’s once hung. We hear the faint sound of a flushing toilet as the screen fades to black.
Quote of the Episode
“My bussy is sweating!” – Melissa BeFierce during the Fright Feat
Honorable Mention
Last week’s victim and this week’s surprise twist, Abhora, laid it all on the line during the challenge. Their spiral concept swatted away that pesky Curse of Baldness, and their wacky personality shone through during the lip sync. Unfortunately, they couldn’t manage to stand up straight through it all.
Rating
As entertaining an episode as any, it’s always curious to see what witchy wonders the show’s Uglies conjure up. However, the drama is cut down considerably with no voting and no exterminations. Instead of a climax, we’re given blue balls. Yes, these Titans have already been murdered during their seasons, but if we’re not going to get an exquisitely filmed death scene, it’d be nice to watch them slit each other’s throats over votes. Perhaps filming so soon after the World Tour threw a wrench in the usual theatrics? (7/10 Fiery Snot Rockets)