Reviews
‘Witchboard’ Review : New Coven, Who Dis?
Those of us hoping Chuck Russell’s Witchboard remake would be a pleasant surprise found ourselves with a mixed bag. At times, it feels like 1990s supernatural fodder blended with a knockoff of a CW horror drama aimed at tweens. This is sad because most of us were assuming this take on Kevin Tenney’s 1986 film of the same name would be fun. Or at least push the envelope forward as it is being reimagined nearly forty years later.
Witchboard Returns With An R Rating
Another reason some of us were excited to see Witchboard is that Russell directed, produced, and co-wrote this reimagining. He helmed The Blob and A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, so he knows what a fun horror movie should look like. However, we are met with a 112-minute runtime that is unearned. While this film has little in common with the original, it also avoids ever doing anything too interesting. Instead, it settles on a rather pedestrian and frustratingly predictable tale that lacks thrills. The film has an R rating, and I have no clue how it achieved that with its almost basic cable sensibilities.
Some Missed Opportunities
This iteration of Witchboard is set in present-day New Orleans. Emily (Madison Iseman), Christian (Aaron Dominguez), and some of their friends are opening a restaurant in the French Quarter. However, those plans are derailed when Emily finds (and becomes obsessed with) the cursed board. She unknowingly falls for a trap set by a vengeful witch willing to kill for her own gains. Yet, all of the reveals are toothless, and none of the attempted scares land. So, this movie feels very paint-by-the-numbers, and you can see where it’s going from the very beginning. Instead of making this one-note story fun or exciting, the team serves a very bland movie.
We soon find out that Emily battled to get sober not so long ago, as it comes up a lot. Her fiancé continually asks her if she’s using again. His friend/ex-girlfriend Brooke (Melanie Jarnson) explains Emily’s addictive personality is the reason she’s such an easy target for the board. We even get her former dealer trying to catch her at a funeral and calling to offer her heroin. Witchboard harps on Emily’s past but never does anything with it aside from reminding her and the audience about it. It’s one of the many things that feel underdeveloped in this film.
Subtly Doesn’t Exist in Witchboard
Through completely obvious and predictable means, Alexander Babtiste (Jamie Campbell Bower) gets involved with this couple and this cursed item. He’s an occult expert who is asked to help save Emily’s soul, but the script doesn’t do anything subtly. Witchboard announces he’s the big bad from the beginning, so we have to suspect everyone who works with him is also evil. While Bower gives one of the stronger performances, his character is written like a cartoon villain. This especially hurts because wherever you land on Stranger Things, you know Bower can play a damn good bad guy. However, he’s sadly one of the many wasted opportunities in this film.
While this version of Witchboard should be more modern, bold, and scary, it curiously feels like it takes many steps backward. The original film had a bromance that felt like it would have been a romance in more modern times. This new version shoves away that glimmer of queerness and instead makes the main trio of characters very hetero. However, you almost forget to throw tomatoes for those reasons because the casting department has given us another prime example of why we have to start having more conversations about colorism.
And Another Thing!
This movie is set in New Orleans. However, I can count the Black actors with dialog on one finger, and the Black actors I saw on screen with one hand. They were able to hire a few more to be bodies when things go down later in the film. While I am begging for more POC representation in general, I can’t help noticing the media’s aversion to casting actors with darker skin tones. It’s almost as if the powers that be aren’t aware that POC can have a variety of skin tones. I write this while looking at my own pasty legs and glaring at my computer.
This is not to take away from how happy I was to see Dominguez and Jarnson on screen. If anything, I would love to see them in better movies so I can see what they are actually capable of. However, I am also tired of the industry-wide problem. We have seen so many horror movies this summer, which also didn’t get the memo that Brown people can be Brown.
Why Remake Witchboard?
I cannot say Witchboard is a good time. I tried to convince myself that it might be so bad it’s good, but that would be a lie. Aside from the embarrassingly bad CGI and a few smartphones, there is nothing to really anchor this movie in this decade. It could’ve easily been a late ’80s or early ’90s effort. Which begs the question, why this remake now? If it doesn’t want to be in conversation with anything going on today, why touch the IP? It would have been cool to push the premise forward for a more modern audience. Instead, we have a toothless reimagining that overstayed its welcome. For why? For Whomst?
Most people find that stretching their dollar still barely gets them by in today’s economy. I am very particular about what I spend my spare money on regarding extracurriculars. And no one likes to feel like their money is wasted. Madame Morbid Trolley Tours wasn’t an experience I had been familiar with. Maybe that’s because I’m chronically offline for most of my life. So this leads to the perfect question: in today’s turbulent economy, is Madame Morbid Trolley Tours worth the price? The short answer is unquestionably, yes. But it’s more than just a simple yes.
My wife and I arrived at the designated meeting point 15 minutes before the scheduled departure time. A handful of minutes later, a gorgeous, e-candle-lit trolley pulled up to the side of the road. We were greeted by impeccably on-brand Allison Chase, our tour guide, and trolley driver ‘Mad’ Matt Zaller. The wonderfully cheery duo invited us on the trolley, and the tour was set to begin.
400 Years of Death, Destruction, and Infrastructure
After a welcoming video intro from someone who knows a thing or two about busting ghosts, we set off on the inaugural Madame Morbid Trolley Tour in its ninth year of operation. From the Brooklyn Naval Yard all the way to Dumbo, and more, this tour magnificently chronicles 400 years of history, the good and the bad, expertly. No matter how much you think you may know about Brooklyn history, I can bet there will be something new learned within the first 15 minutes of the tour. From the first-ever plane crash to one of the worst theater fires in history, this tour covers tragedies that the greatest horror writers couldn’t conceive.
The Deadly [Charming] Docent
Allison Chase led the fascinating tour in character from the moment we stepped on the trolley until our departure. But Allison’s character was not forced or fake; you could feel Allison’s passion for not just morbid history, but the accuracy of it. Some of the stories we heard were steeped in historical context, and it was not boring for a single second. The Madame Morbid Trolley Tour is not your standard full-talking tour. It’s a mixed-media adventure of some of Brooklyn’s darkest moments.
During “downtime” (the times between locations), we were edutained by mini documentaries (that were quite funny). Some of the “downtime” was filled with traffic trivia (I won a needle pen!). And other times were show-and-tell-like, with objects passed around for us to examine. But there was never a moment of silence that wasn’t purposeful. All in all, Allison’s knowledge and passion shone like the luminosity of a full moon.
Is Madame Morbid Trolley Tours Worth It?
The Madame Morbid Trolley Tour was not just a fun night out for my wife and me, but it was a delightfully dark night of edutainment. It should also be noted that ‘Mad’ Matt’s driving skills were fantastic. There was a time when I had become enamored with how Matt handled the narrow streets of Brooklyn before realizing that I needed to refocus my attention on Allison. The Madame Morbid Trolley Tour is an exceptionally fun evening of horror and history that will make you think twice next time you walk down the streets of Brooklyn. It is worth the money, and then some. There’s no better activity for a cold, dark October night than the Madame Morbid Trolley Tour.
For more information on Madame Morbid Trolley Tours, and to get your tickets, click here!
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I should have watched the Stephen King adaptation Cujo a million years ago. First of all, I was a voracious King reader in middle school. The other thing I was obsessed with during those years was Friends. You know, the show that hinges a major episode’s subplot on Rachel (Jennifer Aniston) watching Cujo for the first time. Whatever the reason was, I never got around to it, but I’m rectifying that oversight now.
What is Cujo About?
Cujo tells a relatively simple story. Donna Trenton’s (Dee Wallace) a housewife who’s cheating on her husband Vic (Daniel Hugh-Kelly) with local handyman Steve (Christopher Stone). There’s no accounting for taste, because Vic is 10 times hotter and Steve doesn’t own a bed frame. Look, Donna. I know Vic has that awful David Hasselhoff hair, but I promise the 1980s will end sooner or later. It’ll be OK.
Donna’s attempted termination of this affair ultimately leads to its discovery. Amid this drama, her car breaks down at a mechanic’s isolated farmhouse, trapping her and her son, Tad (Danny Pintauro). You see, the mechanic’s dog, Cujo, freshly christened with rabies, is patrolling the area and attacking everything in sight.
Dee Wallace Is Cujo’s Not-So-Secret Weapon
It would be impossible to start a worthwhile review of Cujo without praising Dee Wallace. The woman is a genre icon, naturally. Think about this: She had only appeared in seven theatrical movies before starring in Cujo. Four of those movies are The Stepford Wives, The Hills Have Eyes, E.T., and The Howling. But this woman didn’t become an icon simply by accidentally stumbling into some iconic titles. She is simply terrific as Donna, using her darting eyes and taut expression to deliver oodles of subtext. You instantly get the sense of how trapped she feels by marriage and motherhood without her uttering a single word.
A good performance is vital, here. Because there’s a hell of a lot of drama to get through before she’s trapped in that damn car. But Wallace instantly shoves you into Donna’s perspective, whether you like it or not. This makes it all the more potent when she is menaced by Cujo. Her desperate attempts for survival, also impeccably performed, have true weight because she seems like a real person. She is also given an incredible scene partner in Danny Pintauro. The future Who’s the Boss? star, who was only six when shooting Cujo, has a perfect everychild quality. His innocence heightens the peril. But so does that fact that he is just as irritating as every six-year-old you’ve ever met.
This movie truly captures how annoying it must be to be stuck in a life-and-death situation with a child. This is a compliment, I swear! Donna is worn down by every aspect of the situation, including her own son’s inability to cope with it. And this ratchets up the tension even further, to an almost unbearable degree.
Cujo Is a Mixed Bag, But Worthwhile Overall
The movie doesn’t work if Cujo himself doesn’t work, and at first I was real worried that he wouldn’t. In the first half, the St. Bernards that play Cujo onscreen are often shown to be wagging their tails in delight. Which kind of undercuts the reality of the situation, I’d say. But the editing and the special effects step in to fix what animal training couldn’t. The attack scenes in the second half are constructed with quick cuts that never let you get too much purchase. It’s a good approach for keeping viewers off-kilter.
Also, Cujo becomes less and less recognizable as a cuddly canine the further the movie gets. It’s a simple trick, really. He ends up getting coated with more and more slime. Saliva, pus, blood, and what have you. This is good for making him feel like a true movie monster. Plus, it’s a good mirror for the sliminess inside the car as it gets covered in sweat, blood, and grime.
The second half of the movie ultimately works like gangbusters. It’s a shame that Cujo is too cowardly to get Donna and Tad in the car before the halfway point. This decision is somewhat faithful to the book’s structure as I remember it. However, it diminishes the weight of the long days that they spend in the car. We really need to feel that crushing stretch of time, and we don’t. When Tad is suffering from dehydration, it’s not a gut punch. Honestly, I just found myself asking, “Already?” It’s good that they gave the movie a happier ending, because the classic grimdark Stephen King finale wouldn’t have landed.
Is Cujo Worth Watching in 2026?
At the end of the day, Cujo is a solid movie and I’m glad I finally watched it. However, it’s not such a stone-cold classic that I’m not at least a little intrigued by that upcoming Netflix remake…
