Reviews
‘The Loved Ones’ Review: A Gruesome, Underrated Horror Classic
“I’m gonna go to your house now and stab your mummy just like you did my Daddy. Then I’m gonna go find Holly and stab her in the heart just like you did to me.” Yeah, Carrie White might not be the scariest Prom Queen anymore…
A Modern Horror Gem by Sean Byrne
Directed by one of horror’s most underappreciated modern voices, filmmaker Sean Byrne (The Devil’s Candy, Dangerous Animals), The Loved Ones is a high school horror film not for the faint of heart. Starring Xavier Samuel and Robin McLeavy, the film clocks in at 84 minutes, but depending on who you ask, it could feel like a lifetime. The movie just barely crosses into the torture porn subgenre, and it basks in its bloody glory.
While its gruesome torture can be too much for less seasoned horror viewers, The Loved Ones is beyond worth the nausea if you can stomach it. The torture just on its own it may have fallen flat, as it did for many 2000s splatter flicks, but the movie is so much more. The Loved Ones is a parable on grief, a clever puzzle box of a low-budget mystery, a teen romance, a psychological nightmare, somehow kind of a zombie film, and, finally, more of a deconstruction of the torture porn subgenre than an actual entry. The Loved Ones is deeply underrated, but should be considered a horror classic.
A Quick Run-Down
The film has a relatively simple premise, but it works like a well-oiled machine in its nooks and crannies. When teenager Brent Mitchell (played by Xavier Samuels), grieving a parental loss, turns down a prom invite by the school’s resident outcast Lola, he then finds himself kidnapped, at the mercy of Lola and her creepy father (John Brumpton). Soon, a nightmare prom night of torture, bloodshed, and dark secrets ensue.
Defying Torture Porn and Conventional Antagonists
While The Loved Ones inarguably has a lot more going for it than just a plethora of nauseating visuals (which we’ll get into), it delivers on its splatter-y premise. Brent goes through just about everything a horror movie character can while somehow surviving. A heart is carved into his chest, he is stapled, stabbed, and beaten.
The most messed up part of the movie is what’s in the basement. Brent is not the first of Lola’s victims, and from a young age, she’s been kidnapping, using a drill and hot water to boil her victims’ brains, dumbing them down into essentially zombies. It is really fucked up. Other critics may say the movie goes too far in its torture, however, I am not other critics. The movie has just enough bloodlust to satiate the genre’s biggest gore hounds, but has enough of a compelling puzzle box story to earn it. Besides, the violence is so strikingly original, you are certain not to mix this up with a Hostel knock-off.
Additionally, Lola is a BRILLIANT villain. She is somehow sympathetic through all her torturous ways, and her odd demeanor adds a sense of morbid comedy to the whole thing. Her relationship with her dad is also bizarre, and their duo feels straight out of a Herschell Gordon Lewis flick. Both the type of torture, as well as the villains, defy typical conventions of 2000s horror.
2000s Horror Catnip
The film is a product of its time in the best way possible. Like other turn-of-the-millennium classics like House of Wax and Jennifer’s Body, the film revels in alternative aesthetics of the 2000s. Heavy eyeliner, plaid on band tees, and an indie rock soundtrack make it a pretty enjoyable time capsule. The fashion, the looks, and the angst all come together perfectly to make it a nostalgic throwback to the emo era. That may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but those looking for a more demented, grounded Jennifer’s Body have found the right place.
A Grief-filled Nightmare
The Loved Ones attacks the concept of grief much more intelligently and deeply than most horror films. It does merely, as so many do, create a supernatural antagonist to stand in for grief (a la the hundreds of Babadook knock-offs we’ve seen). The movie truly understands how grief is a tidal wave, sending shock waves and ripples through friends, families, and communities.
Brent is a grief-stricken teen, working through his father’s untimely death. He plays the role with subtlety, understanding the complexity of loss in a pained, yet determined performance. He is hurt, but his pain ultimately drives him to withstand some horrific torture. Grief makes him stronger.
A Community Shaped by Tragedy
Additionally, the waves of grief echo through the entire film. Lola’s impact on this small Australian community is seen in every character, and every moment of life in the film. For example, it is revealed that the car crash that killed Brent’s father was caused by one of Lola’s escaped victims (the person Brent almost hit). An entire subplot involving a school dance may seem pointless for most of the runtime, but it clicks at the end. Mia (Jessica McNamee) is a depressed alt girl; her screen time as the date of awkward stoner Jamie (Richard Wilson) seems pointless. The cuts to them at the dance seem mainly existent for comic relief. But, as it is revealed, Mia is actually the Brother of Timmy Valentine, one of Lola’s victims. This twist makes her small character, and their subplot of heavy drinking and depression makes sense.
Mia’s Father, a cop, is then driven to hunt for Brent. Every little thing is connected, and the overall metaphors work beautifully. The movie, for all its pomp and frills of blood and guts, is a puzzle box of a meditation on grief, and the power it holds.
While Dangerous Animals is a fantastic return to horror for Sean Byrne, it does not quite match the hectic, brutal, and disquieting terror of The Loved Ones. It is, however, great to see him return to the big screen. One can hope that with news of his latest flick, attention will be given back to this overlooked cult classic.
The Loved Ones is available for rent.
Most people find that stretching their dollar still barely gets them by in today’s economy. I am very particular about what I spend my spare money on regarding extracurriculars. And no one likes to feel like their money is wasted. Madame Morbid Trolley Tours wasn’t an experience I had been familiar with. Maybe that’s because I’m chronically offline for most of my life. So this leads to the perfect question: in today’s turbulent economy, is Madame Morbid Trolley Tours worth the price? The short answer is unquestionably, yes. But it’s more than just a simple yes.
My wife and I arrived at the designated meeting point 15 minutes before the scheduled departure time. A handful of minutes later, a gorgeous, e-candle-lit trolley pulled up to the side of the road. We were greeted by impeccably on-brand Allison Chase, our tour guide, and trolley driver ‘Mad’ Matt Zaller. The wonderfully cheery duo invited us on the trolley, and the tour was set to begin.
400 Years of Death, Destruction, and Infrastructure
After a welcoming video intro from someone who knows a thing or two about busting ghosts, we set off on the inaugural Madame Morbid Trolley Tour in its ninth year of operation. From the Brooklyn Naval Yard all the way to Dumbo, and more, this tour magnificently chronicles 400 years of history, the good and the bad, expertly. No matter how much you think you may know about Brooklyn history, I can bet there will be something new learned within the first 15 minutes of the tour. From the first-ever plane crash to one of the worst theater fires in history, this tour covers tragedies that the greatest horror writers couldn’t conceive.
The Deadly [Charming] Docent
Allison Chase led the fascinating tour in character from the moment we stepped on the trolley until our departure. But Allison’s character was not forced or fake; you could feel Allison’s passion for not just morbid history, but the accuracy of it. Some of the stories we heard were steeped in historical context, and it was not boring for a single second. The Madame Morbid Trolley Tour is not your standard full-talking tour. It’s a mixed-media adventure of some of Brooklyn’s darkest moments.
During “downtime” (the times between locations), we were edutained by mini documentaries (that were quite funny). Some of the “downtime” was filled with traffic trivia (I won a needle pen!). And other times were show-and-tell-like, with objects passed around for us to examine. But there was never a moment of silence that wasn’t purposeful. All in all, Allison’s knowledge and passion shone like the luminosity of a full moon.
Is Madame Morbid Trolley Tours Worth It?
The Madame Morbid Trolley Tour was not just a fun night out for my wife and me, but it was a delightfully dark night of edutainment. It should also be noted that ‘Mad’ Matt’s driving skills were fantastic. There was a time when I had become enamored with how Matt handled the narrow streets of Brooklyn before realizing that I needed to refocus my attention on Allison. The Madame Morbid Trolley Tour is an exceptionally fun evening of horror and history that will make you think twice next time you walk down the streets of Brooklyn. It is worth the money, and then some. There’s no better activity for a cold, dark October night than the Madame Morbid Trolley Tour.
For more information on Madame Morbid Trolley Tours, and to get your tickets, click here!
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I should have watched the Stephen King adaptation Cujo a million years ago. First of all, I was a voracious King reader in middle school. The other thing I was obsessed with during those years was Friends. You know, the show that hinges a major episode’s subplot on Rachel (Jennifer Aniston) watching Cujo for the first time. Whatever the reason was, I never got around to it, but I’m rectifying that oversight now.
What is Cujo About?
Cujo tells a relatively simple story. Donna Trenton’s (Dee Wallace) a housewife who’s cheating on her husband Vic (Daniel Hugh-Kelly) with local handyman Steve (Christopher Stone). There’s no accounting for taste, because Vic is 10 times hotter and Steve doesn’t own a bed frame. Look, Donna. I know Vic has that awful David Hasselhoff hair, but I promise the 1980s will end sooner or later. It’ll be OK.
Donna’s attempted termination of this affair ultimately leads to its discovery. Amid this drama, her car breaks down at a mechanic’s isolated farmhouse, trapping her and her son, Tad (Danny Pintauro). You see, the mechanic’s dog, Cujo, freshly christened with rabies, is patrolling the area and attacking everything in sight.
Dee Wallace Is Cujo’s Not-So-Secret Weapon
It would be impossible to start a worthwhile review of Cujo without praising Dee Wallace. The woman is a genre icon, naturally. Think about this: She had only appeared in seven theatrical movies before starring in Cujo. Four of those movies are The Stepford Wives, The Hills Have Eyes, E.T., and The Howling. But this woman didn’t become an icon simply by accidentally stumbling into some iconic titles. She is simply terrific as Donna, using her darting eyes and taut expression to deliver oodles of subtext. You instantly get the sense of how trapped she feels by marriage and motherhood without her uttering a single word.
A good performance is vital, here. Because there’s a hell of a lot of drama to get through before she’s trapped in that damn car. But Wallace instantly shoves you into Donna’s perspective, whether you like it or not. This makes it all the more potent when she is menaced by Cujo. Her desperate attempts for survival, also impeccably performed, have true weight because she seems like a real person. She is also given an incredible scene partner in Danny Pintauro. The future Who’s the Boss? star, who was only six when shooting Cujo, has a perfect everychild quality. His innocence heightens the peril. But so does that fact that he is just as irritating as every six-year-old you’ve ever met.
This movie truly captures how annoying it must be to be stuck in a life-and-death situation with a child. This is a compliment, I swear! Donna is worn down by every aspect of the situation, including her own son’s inability to cope with it. And this ratchets up the tension even further, to an almost unbearable degree.
Cujo Is a Mixed Bag, But Worthwhile Overall
The movie doesn’t work if Cujo himself doesn’t work, and at first I was real worried that he wouldn’t. In the first half, the St. Bernards that play Cujo onscreen are often shown to be wagging their tails in delight. Which kind of undercuts the reality of the situation, I’d say. But the editing and the special effects step in to fix what animal training couldn’t. The attack scenes in the second half are constructed with quick cuts that never let you get too much purchase. It’s a good approach for keeping viewers off-kilter.
Also, Cujo becomes less and less recognizable as a cuddly canine the further the movie gets. It’s a simple trick, really. He ends up getting coated with more and more slime. Saliva, pus, blood, and what have you. This is good for making him feel like a true movie monster. Plus, it’s a good mirror for the sliminess inside the car as it gets covered in sweat, blood, and grime.
The second half of the movie ultimately works like gangbusters. It’s a shame that Cujo is too cowardly to get Donna and Tad in the car before the halfway point. This decision is somewhat faithful to the book’s structure as I remember it. However, it diminishes the weight of the long days that they spend in the car. We really need to feel that crushing stretch of time, and we don’t. When Tad is suffering from dehydration, it’s not a gut punch. Honestly, I just found myself asking, “Already?” It’s good that they gave the movie a happier ending, because the classic grimdark Stephen King finale wouldn’t have landed.
Is Cujo Worth Watching in 2026?
At the end of the day, Cujo is a solid movie and I’m glad I finally watched it. However, it’s not such a stone-cold classic that I’m not at least a little intrigued by that upcoming Netflix remake…
