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‘Clinton Road’ Review: A Cinematic Dead End

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It was only recently that I learned of the terrifying tales surrounding New Jersey’s Clinton Road. My girlfriend took me to the Warwick Drive-in for my birthday, and to get there, we had to travel the entire length of Clinton Road. I was first told that shutting off your lights at night will cause the headlights of a white pickup truck to appear behind you. Then, we passed Heartbeat Rock. And finally, I was told of the tribe of murderous little people who reside deep in the woods. I’m sure more stories surround the creepy road, but I was intrigued immediately.

When I learned there was a movie about Clinton Road, plainly titled Clinton Road, I knew I had to check it out.

A Mystery on Clinton Road

One year ago, Michael’s (Ace Young) girlfriend Jessica (Sarah Pribis) went missing on Clinton Road. He and his friends, Issabella (Katie Morrison), Gianna (Erin O’Brien), Tyler (Cody Calafiore), Kayla (Lauren LaVera), and Begory (James DeBello) decide to take a trip to Clinton Road to get to the bottom of her disappearance. Michael and his friends soon learn there’s a reason you don’t go in the woods after dark. Will they be able to get to the bottom of the mystery, or will they, too, become victims of the evil that lurks in the deep forest that surrounds Clinton Road?

Clinton Road is a truly awful movie. It has three credited writers: Noel Ashman, Derek Ross Mackay, and Steve Stanulis. It feels like it was written by a 10-year-old who heard stories about Clinton Road at summer camp and wrote a script about it after a fever dream. Ashman, Mackay, and Stanulis’s attempt at writing has resulted in one of the laziest, boring, and distractingly painful hour and 17 minutes of my life.

Poor Writing and Unengaging Characters

Rather than having the characters do anything interesting, these writers wrote a movie where TOO MANY characters waltz around the woods for 30-ish minutes and talk about things that not a single person cares about. Their complete and utter failure to make even a single second of this film interesting should be studied by scientists.

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Directors Richard Grieco and Steve Stanulis fail to make the movie visually interesting in any single aspect. We spend an ungodly amount of time in a nightclub that’s shot in the most aimless way possible. Also, there’s this terrible monologue from Ice-T (yes) in the nightclub about Clinton Road where we don’t cut away from him for a SINGLE SECOND. We just listen to Ice-T mumble through his lines. Rather than filming with a soft blue light at night, Grieco and Stanulis decided to replace typical night-lights with a harsh, deep blue. It’s beyond distracting and washes everyone in a gross blue hue.

Not even Lauren LaVera or James DeBello could save this mess of on-screen diarrhea.

Take the Detour and Skip Clinton Road

I can give films a lot of leeway. When you’re watching something that’s low-budget, you have to know corners will be cut. However, the fact that they had the money to hire Ice-T, Vincent Pastore, and Eric Roberts, while still producing a movie with little to no action, suggests that this was nothing more than a vanity project for someone. I sincerely hope this film was a hit to Richard Grieco’s already rocky ego. Do yourself a favor and drive on Clinton Road rather than watching Clinton Road.

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Brendan is an award-winning author and screenwriter rotting away in New Jersey. His hobbies include rain, slugs, and the endless search for The Mothman.

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‘Undertone’ Review: A24’s Scariest Since ‘Hereditary’

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A24 never stopped pumping out banger horror movies. Let’s get that out of the way, straight away. Even its commercial and critical flops, like Opus or Y2K, still took a lot of really original swings, even if it hasn’t been a string of masterpieces like in their horror heyday of the late 2010s and early 2020s. Still, they may have made their scariest yet with Undertone, in a return to A24’s original MO of pure indie filmmaking.

A Single Location Horror Film Powered by Sound

Undertone is not a perfect movie, with an occasional off story beat, and the ending just missing the mark of perfection, but it is a tried-and-true testament to the power of storytelling. With essentially one active, on-screen actress and a single location, the film manages to create a sensory hellscape with immersive nightmare-inducing audio that has both story and scares derived entirely from a podcast. It is a sensory overload of pure terror, one that feels deeply sinister in its pitch-black story, one that demands to be seen in the darkest possible movie theater.

A24’s Undertone: A True Crime Podcast Turns Supernatural

The story is pretty straightforward…at least at first. It follows a true crime/horror podcast host (Nina Kiry), who lives by herself as she takes care of her dying, elderly, and borderline vegetative mother. Her co-host (Adam DiMarco, who is never fully seen) is sent a series of ten mysterious audio files from an unknown address, presumably sent for her to listen to on the show. As they begin to record their latest episode with live reactions to the files, reality slips further as she and her co-host fall into supernatural delirium. Strange noises, slipping time, and other haunted house trimmings all come out to play, each elevated by (as mentioned) horrific sound design and an even more horrific backstory.

Nursery Rhyme Origins and Deeply Disturbing Mythology

The story is about 95% airtight. Without getting too deep into spoilers, the origins of these files and their meaning are deeply fascinating, with some elements and angles involving the origins of nursery rhymes that are very, genuinely disturbing. There is one twist in particular that explores what one of the sounds truly means, which is highly upsetting once pieced together.

That being said, Undertone has some familiar tropes, and while the movie mostly touches upon certain unexplored mythology, certain scenes can feel a little too familiar to other recent demon movies like Shelby Oaks. The true meanings are a lot more creative, but it could have played around with its mythos to create a truly original villain.

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Undertone’s Ambiguous Ending Demands a Rewatch

Similarly, the ending is almost perfect. There is a final twist about something the protagonist might have done that is a little confusing, and reframes the context of the film. It is highly interesting, however, and opens up several cans of worms of what this movie has to say about children, motherhood, and parenthood as a whole, as well as posing questions about the movie’s setting and timeline. It is always better to remain vague in horror, which this movie definitely does, but just a slight retweak of its final act could give the audience just the tiniest more understanding, without it going into full, mainstream territory. The film definitely requires a second watch, and in the best way possible.

A Groundbreaking Podcast Horror Experience

In a nutshell, the film’s methods of storytelling are groundbreaking. This movie is not a podcast, but all of its scares and stories are delivered to us like it is one. It feels like the birth of a new medium or style of movie, a perfect blend of audio and visual, with emphasis on the audio.

Additionally, with the story being literally told to us as if we’re listening to the characters’ podcast itself, it is a nightmare rabbit hole.

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‘Silent Warnings’ (2003) Review: An Unknown UFO Gem

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Like many people born in the mid-90s, the Sci-Fi Channel was one of my first introductions to horror. Whether it was random films playing or Sci-Fi’s 31 Days of Halloween, this channel was one of the main channels in my household. For the month of March, we’re going to take a look at Sci-Fi Originals (and maybe I cheated a bit and picked films that had their premiere on Sci-Fi). Picking films for this month was no easy task. Did I want to cover one of the plethora of amalgamated mega-animals fighting each other? Or what about shark tornadoes? One of the films I picked, after finding it too difficult to find Children of the Corn (2009) on streaming services, was an odd alien film I had never even heard of. That film is Silent Warnings.

What is Silent Warnings About?

Layne Vossimer (A.J. Buckley), his girlfriend Macy (Callie De Fabry), and a group of their friends head to Layne’s cousin’s house, Joe (Stephen Baldwin), after his mysterious death. Once there, they find the house in disgusting disarray. The friends decide to help Layne clean it up in order to put it on the market. But things quickly go south when they find a series of VHS tapes Joe left behind in the attic. What’s revealed in those tapes shows something that’s out of this world. Can Layne, his friends, and Sheriff Bill Willingham (Billy Zane) fend off these otherworldly invaders before it’s too late?

Conspiracy Theories, Mental Health, and Paranoia in Silent Warnings

As stated, this film was a late pick as I could not find 2009’s Children of the Corn streaming anywhere. Boy, am I glad I picked this. Silent Warnings has its fair share of issues. But it makes up for them in so many ways. This film is a very sober look into conspiracy theories, mental health, and the lengths that people go to when it comes to perceived threats. We get very little Stephen Baldwin, but what we do get is more than enough. He’s a recluse who lives on his 40-ish-acre property that’s been alien-proofed. His best friend (cousin?) is a scarecrow that has an AK-47. And he constantly records incoherent ramblings with his camcorder. Baldwin absolutely kills in his limited screentime. It’s like Stanislavski said, there are no small parts, only small actors.

Small-Town Horror and UFO Lore in Porterville

The quaint town of Porterville acts as the perfect backdrop for a story like this: a sleepy, nowhere town, where most people know each other. A town where the big call of the day for the Sheriff is about a missing dog. It’s the perfect setup for a story like this. It even mirrors many of the towns mentioned in Silent Invasion: The Pennsylvania UFO-Bigfoot Casebook. Much of this film’s atmosphere, the crop circles, acres of corn, and the disintegrating house, create a condensed world that adds so much claustrophobia to the film’s soul.

Acting, Dialogue, and the Problem with Early 2000s CGI Aliens

That being said, there are quite a few issues. Mainly, the acting. Besides Kim Onasch, Michelle Borth, Billy Zane, and A.J. Buckley (mostly), much of this film’s acting feels very Sci-Fi Original. It doesn’t help that the film’s dialogue, from writers Bill Lundy, Christian McIntire, and Kevin Gendreau, is just plain boring. And that’s not even mentioning how awful the CGI aliens look. A 2003 film about aliens, when only two or three are shown on screen, should be fully practical. And the fact that they use digital aliens takes away much of the film’s punch.

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Why Silent Warnings Is an Underrated Sci-Fi Original

Silent Warnings doesn’t break much ground when it comes to the topic of aliens/Ufology, but it’s damn entertaining. But that’s the thing. Films don’t necessarily need to break new ground. I appreciate the swings this film takes, whether they hit or miss. There’s a wonderful setup with Stephen Baldwin, and the slow build to an exciting finale makes it all worth the wait. For a Sci-Fi Original, Silent Warnings has worked its way into my heart.

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