Pictured: A tender embrace between lovers. So sweet.
There was our simple first age as a species, Cro-Magnon’s who had to limit our minds to whatever scary things we could draw with berry juice on a cave wall. Then we walked upright boldly into an age of movies, an age of horror movies. We created bold new monstrosities to watch in wonder and fear.
And then, with The Shape of Water dawned a new age: an age where people could boldly and openly say they would bang with monsters.
And I’m glad for those people. But life isn’t all about the carnal pleasures. It’s about meaningful relationships. Bonding with someone you love. Stability. So, putting aside your weird fantasies for a second, I implore you to consider this.
What monster would you not only want to be with…but also build a home with?
For the next few weeks, we at Horror Press will be doing some polls around a curated list of horror movie icons to determine who has the makings of a solid life partner. And you, dear readers, get to vote and determine who passes on between the weeks up until the very final article is publish on Valentine’s Day. The name of the game is long term, stable relationship, so, let’s put them to the test and you put your three votes to good use!
But before that…
THE GROUND RULES
If we were to go through all of horror’s great monsters to do this, we’d be here all day. So we’ll have to whittle down our list of possible candidates.
Rule #1: They must be the villain of that film. Self-explanatory.
Rule #2: They must be sapient and consenting. Relationships require communication, trust, and respect, and anything that only has sentience alone cannot give you those three things. This disqualifies any creatures that behave like wild animals, i.e. The Things from The Thing or Aliens from Aliens. Sorry to you nasties out there.
Rule #3: They must be able to do things other than killing/torturing. Anything completely mindless/mechanical in their motives are incapable of being reasoned with, so they’re a no go. This disqualifies the likes of Michael Myers and Pinhead. If they go mindless as the result of a transformation, they’re on the table. If they just do just because it’s fun, that’s a boring person to be around, its effectively the same as someone who has made their hobby their whole personality.
Rule #4: They must be single. This disqualifies the Jack Torrance’s on our list who are in relationships. This also disqualifies Pennywise and The Babadook since they are in a loving relationship (iykyk). Killers in a poly relationship feel like cheating by submitting extra ballots, so they’re also off the table.
I must make a very specific ruling as a Chucky fan, if you have some mechanism by which you split your soul, but only one iteration of you is in the relationship, this does not count as being single. That’s just…you in a relationship with extra steps. So sorry Charles, you’re still taken by Tiffany and vice versa.
Rule #5: They must not be bound to a singular location. Monsters or killers stuck to a particular stomping ground are often too inflexible and too rigid. How would you go on vacation? What if you find a nice apartment at a reasonable rate in another part of town? It’s just not realistic to limit yourself, Jotun from The Ritual.
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, I’ve narrowed our competitors down to 30 horror stars from across all genres. THE LIST IS, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER:
- Baguul (Sinister)
- The Phantom (Phantom of the Opera)
- The Tall Man (Phantasm Series)
- Freddy Krueger (Nightmare on Elm Street Series)
- Wolf (Alien VS. Predator)
- Herbert West (Re-Animator)
- Audrey II (Little Shop of Horrors)
- Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs)
- Rose the Hat (Doctor Sleep)
- John Kramer (Saw)
- Angela Baker (Sleepaway Camps 2 & 3)
- Norman Bates (Psycho)
- Annie Wilkes (Misery)
- Sweeney Todd (Sweeney Todd)
- Gabriel (Malignant)
- The Gill Man (The Creature from The Black Lagoon Series)
- Marie (High Tension)
- Roman Bridger (Scream 3)
- Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th Series)
- Seth Brundle (The Fly)
- Leatherface (Texas Chainsaw Massacre Series)
- Leslie Vernon (Behind The Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon)
- Tom Hanninger (My Bloody Valentine Remake)
- Sue Ann (Ma)
- Dracula (Dracula 2000)
And that’s it for Week 1 everybody.
MAY THE BEST MONSTER WIN! Your heart.