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BATTLE OF THE BLOODSTAINED SPOUSES: Which Horror Movie Villain Would Make the Best Romantic Partner?

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Pictured: A tender embrace between lovers. So sweet.

There was our simple first age as a species, Cro-Magnon’s who had to limit our minds to whatever scary things we could draw with berry juice on a cave wall. Then we walked upright boldly into an age of movies, an age of horror movies. We created bold new monstrosities to watch in wonder and fear.

And then, with The Shape of Water dawned a new age: an age where people could boldly and openly say they would bang with monsters.

And I’m glad for those people. But life isn’t all about the carnal pleasures. It’s about meaningful relationships. Bonding with someone you love. Stability. So, putting aside your weird fantasies for a second, I implore you to consider this.

What monster would you not only want to be with…but also build a home with?

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For the next few weeks, we at Horror Press will be doing some polls around a curated list of horror movie icons to determine who has the makings of a solid life partner. And you, dear readers, get to vote and determine who passes on between the weeks up until the very final article is publish on Valentine’s Day. The name of the game is long term, stable relationship, so, let’s put them to the test and you put your three votes to good use!

But before that…

THE GROUND RULES

If we were to go through all of horror’s great monsters to do this, we’d be here all day. So we’ll have to whittle down our list of possible candidates.

Rule #1: They must be the villain of that film. Self-explanatory.

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Rule #2: They must be sapient and consenting. Relationships require communication, trust, and respect, and anything that only has sentience alone cannot give you those three things. This disqualifies any creatures that behave like wild animals, i.e. The Things from The Thing or Aliens from Aliens. Sorry to you nasties out there.

Rule #3: They must be able to do things other than killing/torturing. Anything completely mindless/mechanical in their motives are incapable of being reasoned with, so they’re a no go. This disqualifies the likes of Michael Myers and Pinhead. If they go mindless as the result of a transformation, they’re on the table. If they just do just because it’s fun, that’s a boring person to be around, its effectively the same as someone who has made their hobby their whole personality.

Rule #4: They must be single. This disqualifies the Jack Torrance’s on our list who are in relationships. This also disqualifies Pennywise and The Babadook since they are in a loving relationship (iykyk). Killers in a poly relationship feel like cheating by submitting extra ballots, so they’re also off the table.

I must make a very specific ruling as a Chucky fan, if you have some mechanism by which you split your soul, but only one iteration of you is in the relationship, this does not count as being single. That’s just…you in a relationship with extra steps. So sorry Charles, you’re still taken by Tiffany and vice versa.

Rule #5: They must not be bound to a singular location. Monsters or killers stuck to a particular stomping ground are often too inflexible and too rigid. How would you go on vacation? What if you find a nice apartment at a reasonable rate in another part of town? It’s just not realistic to limit yourself, Jotun from The Ritual.

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Now that we’ve got that out of the way, I’ve narrowed our competitors down to 30 horror stars from across all genres. THE LIST IS, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

  1. Baguul (Sinister)
  2. The Phantom (Phantom of the Opera)
  3. The Tall Man (Phantasm Series)
  4. Freddy Krueger (Nightmare on Elm Street Series)
  5. Wolf (Alien VS. Predator)
  6. Herbert West (Re-Animator)
  7. Audrey II (Little Shop of Horrors)
  8. Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs)
  9. Rose the Hat (Doctor Sleep)
  10. John Kramer (Saw)
  11. Angela Baker (Sleepaway Camps 2 & 3)
  12. Norman Bates (Psycho)
  13. Annie Wilkes (Misery)
  14. Sweeney Todd (Sweeney Todd)
  15. Gabriel (Malignant)
  16. The Gill Man (The Creature from The Black Lagoon Series)
  17. Marie (High Tension)
  18. Roman Bridger (Scream 3)
  19. Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th Series)
  20. Seth Brundle (The Fly)
  21. Leatherface (Texas Chainsaw Massacre Series)
  22. Leslie Vernon (Behind The Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon)
  23. Tom Hanninger (My Bloody Valentine Remake)
  24. Sue Ann (Ma)
  25. Dracula (Dracula 2000)

And that’s it for Week 1 everybody.

MAY THE BEST MONSTER WIN! Your heart.

VOTING HAS CLOSED! THANKS FOR PARTICIPATING!

Luis Pomales-Diaz is a freelance writer and lover of fantasy, sci-fi, and of course, horror. When he isn't working on a new article or short story, he can usually be found watching schlocky movies and forgotten television shows.

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Fangoria: The #1 Magazine Subscription for Horror Fans

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This article contains affiliate links.

Here at Horror Press, we are longtime fans of Fangoria. Between the iconic merchandise, the Fangoria Chainsaw Awards, the magazine that began a prolific horror empire, and more, Fangoria creates content that speaks to fans of the macabre everywhere.

Because of our love of the brand, is it any wonder that we’ve teamed up?

Now, you, dear fans of Horror (Press), can save 20% at Fangoria with discount code: HORRORPRESSLLC.

Look at this amazing cover art by @GhoulishGary exclusive to Subscribers for the January issue!

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What is Fangoria?

Founded in 1979, Fangoria holds the title of the longest-running horror-centric magazine in the world. Its famous pages have even appeared in horror productions such as Friday the 13th Part III, Gremlins, Brainscan, Seed of Chucky, and, most recently, Mike Flanagan’s The Midnight Club, among many others.

Inside the glossy pages of Fangoria magazine, you’ll find high-resolution images from your favorite horror films, exclusive interviews, peeks behind the scenes, recommendations for horror reading, and more.

One of my favorite things about Fangoria is all the coverage explaining how special effects artists achieve different looks. Legendary masters of the craft, such as Tom Savini and Greg Nicotero, are only a tiny sample of the experts featured in Fangoria to give insight into their work.

With all this macabre magazine has to offer, treat yourself or your favorite horror buff to the ultimate gift of horror via a subscription to Fangoria+.

What Comes with a Fangoria Subscription?

A one-year subscription to Fangoria comes with more than 400 pages of horror, as 100-page magazines oozing with gruesome goodness are delivered every three months. These collectible issues contain content that you will not find online. Keep an eye out for the magazines which include a poster inside!

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You’ll also get a “Mini Fango” periodically sent to your email via the Terror Teletype newsletter, written by none other than Phil Nobile Jr. These emails include horror news, updates to the Fangoria archives, where covers from the last forty years of horror coverage are regularly added, links to the weekly crossword, and more.

Finally, Fangoria+ subscribers are given first access to merchandise releases and opportunities for exclusive giveaways.

How Much Does Fangoria Cost?

This bounty of incredible, ghastly content usually costs $6.66 monthly or $79.99 for the year, but because you’re a Horror Press reader, use HORRORPRESSLLC as a discount code at checkout to receive 20% off your entire order. That brings the year total down from $79.99 to $63.99 (before applicable taxes and shipping, of course).

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While we cannot recommend enough the Fangoria+ subscription for horror fans everywhere, the discount code works for almost everything in the Fangoria shop. So, this means merch and single issues too!

The October 2022 edition (Vol. 2 Issue #17) of Fangoria is already sold out on the website. Own the future remnants of horror history before it’s too late; sign up for your Fangoria+ subscription today!

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I Love You, E.T.: A Lifelong Friendship

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My gateway to horror did not involve a bloody massacre, nor a monster in the closet or a slasher hiding in the woods. It was a little alien creature with an affinity for Reese’s Pieces.

In 1982, an alien later named E.T. (real name Zrek) came to Earth in search of organic plant life along with his fellow alien friends and family. Upon discovery by local authorities, E.T. becomes stranded on Earth as his family takes off in their spaceship to avoid capture. E.T. wanders the California hillside and happens upon the home of young Elliott, himself in search of belonging. The two form an unlikely bond and connection as Elliott navigates a disjointed family environment, girls, school, and of course, helping E.T. contact his family for rescue.

Beginning in the first grade, E.T. The Extraterrestrial dominated my childhood. I had every piece of merchandise I could get my tiny hands on, especially the coveted “antiques” belonging to my mom, who saw the film in theaters her sophomore year of high school. “I loved it!” she remembers. “I went to see it at the Elk River theater in Minnesota. Back then, it was a one-time deal because it only came through town for a short time. Plus, I didn’t have a lot of money to go more than once… Reese’s Pieces became my favorite candy for about one year.” She explained to me that the toys I commandeered in my childhood were once displayed all over her bedroom. She even had the original E.T. doll, the iconic one seen given to Princess Diana by then-seven-year-old Drew Barrymore. “You always took very good care of your toys,” she explained. “As soon as you were interested, I would let you play with them.”

This E.T. doll is still in impeccable shape, by the way.

My grandma gave me a talking animatronic E.T. doll one Christmas. Like a Furby, he would speak to me sometimes at night. “E.T…. feel… siiiiccckkkk.” Flashbacks to the scene where E.T. is sickly pale, lying face down in a drainage ditch with the score rising and causing my eyes to grow big were frequent. I had to take his batteries out after one too many nightmares and calls for my mom to comfort me in the dark, “It took you a while to embrace that one.” Yet, I never stopped watching the film that gave me laughter, tears, jumps, and wonder. After all these years, I still look out for E.T. merch whenever I go into an antique shop, pop culture toy den, and thrift store. He brings me so much joy, and I connect with my inner child whenever I find him. As I write this, my E.T. Coloring Book from 1982 just arrived at my apartment mailbox. I am 27 years old.

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E.T. was a sensation upon its release on June 11th, 1982. The film made back its $10.5 million budget opening weekend, grossing $11,911,430 and going on to earn $797,103,542 worldwide. E.T. merchandise soared off the shelves. Iconic is the infamous E.T. Atari game that was notoriously difficult to win and was eventually dumped into a massive landfill by its creator company. I found a cartridge at the Barnesville Potato Days Festival (yes, this is a real festival). I finally caved during the pandemic and bought an old Atari gaming system to give the game a whirl. The game is not that bad! Confusing, yes. Delightful? Also yes. Clearly, I will do anything for this little big-eyed bugger.

One night in college, after a night out drinking at the local bars, I stumbled home alone to get away from the typical college bar drama and crowds. To be by myself. I popped in my E.T. DVD at 3 am and began watching as the room spun. My roommates came home an hour later, laughing at where they had found me. One joined for a bit, then went to bed with the others. I alone stayed up to finish. I was comfortable basking in the colors glowing from the TV set.

As a kid, I related to Elliott in many ways: his stressful family situation, being told he wasn’t allowed to play with his older sibling, who seemed to have all the cool friends, and like me, having little of my own. And through all this, a miracle of a friend beamed into Elliott’s life. I shared this new friend with him. And for the one hour and fifty-four-minute runtime, I didn’t feel so alone. I still feel welcome when I put the film on.

I am 5’1 (and that’s rounding up an inch). All my life, I was too short for roller coaster rides. My mom and dad would tell me, “Stretch like E.T.!” when I was told to line up against the measurement requirement for rides, and even that often left me on the sidelines while my sister and dad had all the fun (my mom would stay with me as support). Luckily, this wasn’t the case for the ride I had been dreaming about at Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida: E.T. Adventure. Here I am, pictured with my friend, too small to reach the pedals yet beaming at the camera with my underbite stretched in a smile. Two decades later, I am happy to say we are still friends, albeit sometimes long-distance.

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