As August’s theme is Road Trip Month here at Horror Press, there is one aspect of horror out on the open road you might have forgotten about. While most of the action takes place on the asphalt as psychotic hillbillies chase their prey down in trucks and slashers hide in the backseat of their target’s cars, both killers and victims alike need somewhere to stay on long nights. You need a place to lay your head down. You need a hotel.

And because Horror Press always has the concerned traveler in mind, we’ve reviewed some classic horror movie hotels and motels and rated how nice they’d actually be to stay in.

We’re factoring in four key qualities and rating them on a scale of 1 to 10:

• The quality of the staff and management
• The cleanliness and comfort of the rooms
• The amenities available to guests

Oh, and most importantly, how cool I am with dying here (abbreviated as H.C.A.I.W.D.H?).

Because…it’s a horror movie hotel, you’re probably going to die there.

We’ll be beginning with the most unpleasant and working our way up to the best. Unsurprisingly, we start with…

RATING HOTELS IN HORROR

THE KAHIKI PALMS MOTEL (THE DEVILS REJECTS)

Even before the brutal torture and murders that took place here, the Kahiki Palms Motel wasn’t a sight for sore eyes when pulling off the highway. It’s got many of the same problems the Bates Motel has (more on that later), and the place is completely filthy even before the Firefly’s step foot in it.

Beyond that, you’re in the middle of Texas cooking in the heat, with no AC and an ice machine that has definitely got sand in it. No bueno. The exterior looks cool at least, just stop and take some photos out there without actually checking in.

STAFF & MANAGEMENT: 1/10

ROOMS: 1/10

AMENITIES: 1/10

H.C.A.I.W.D.H?: NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT/10

OVERALL RATING: 1/10

SEVEN DOORS HOTEL (THE BEYOND)

The Seven Doors Hotel is smack dab in the southern United States, in a woody and almost swampy part of Louisiana, near New Orleans but sitting directly over one of the seven gates to hell. It’s in disrepair, like many of the others on the list, but that’s nothing a little tender care and love from the new management can’t fix!

Just kidding, this place is unfixable. 

You should never stay at a hotel being run out of desperation. The owner, Liza, is hard up on cash and willing to put up with some supernatural nonsense to try and turn a profit, but she’s in way over her head. Some people just don’t have the heart or brains for hospitality, let alone hospitality when there’s some Lovecraftian black magic going on. An abundance of zombies and a possessed dog put this pretty low on the list of voluntary stays, especially when there aren’t any good views of nature to make up for it.

Steer clear of this weird antebellum health hazard if you can, although a one-night excursion might be your only choice if the state of Airbnb in New Orleans is as terrible as it is everywhere else.

STAFF & MANAGEMENT: 3/10

ROOMS: 5/10

AMENITIES: 3/10

H.C.A.I.W.D.H?: 3/10

OVERALL RATING: 3/10

BATES MOTEL (PSYCHO FRANCHISE)

Let’s get all the iterations of this place out of the way, since they’re pretty much the same: they’re kind of sleepy, fairly dusty, and completely underserviced given they don’t get much business. The biggest highlight of staying here is that beautiful house out back, and you don’t even really get to enjoy that outside of seeing Norman pace in the window. Sorry, seeing Mother pace in the window. There’s a difference.

Assuming you are not a woman Bates falls in love with or someone investigating him, you’re pretty safe; after all, it’s just him. But it’s also just him running the motel. He is fairly nice when he isn’t consumed by a homicidal persona but remember: all it takes is one of his mental breakdowns happening during the night for him to be in a mumu walking around with a kitchen knife while the front desk phone is left ringing. Next thing you know, you’re waiting for room service while he’s cleaning up the remains of some private detective off the floor. You’re alive, but you’re also waiting for a cold, probably poorly cooked burger.

Staff and management get two points since it’s technically one guy with two personalities, but that’s being generous.

STAFF & MANAGEMENT: 2/10

ROOMS: 4/10

AMENITIES: 3/10

H.C.A.I.W.D.H.?: 6/10

OVERALL RATING: 4/10

THE HOTEL CORTEZ (AMERICAN HORROR STORY: HOTEL)

I’m not staying here, there’s like eight different ways you could die and none of them are good! Why would I ever—wait was that Lady Gaga?

STAFF AND MANAGEMENT: 10/10

ROOMS: 6/10

AMENITIES: 6/10

H.C.A.I.W.D.H?: 1/10

OVERALL RATING: 6/10

THE YANKEE PEDDLER INN (The Innkeepers)

I like Ti West’s directing, but I’m not going to Connecticut to sleep in a tough queen bed with a scratchy quilt. It could be worse, as we’ve seen with previous entries on this list, but it could also be better. Claire and Luke seem like pretty reliable employees, and as long as you don’t go around swinging crystal pendulums and disturbing the traumatized ghosts, you should be fine. 6’s across the board, I guess?

STAFF & MANAGEMENT: 6/10

ROOMS: 6/10

AMENITIES: 6/10

H.C.A.I.W.D.H?: 6/10

OVERALL RATING: 6/10

THE DOLPHIN HOTEL (1408)

There is only one room in the hotel that is technically haunted, but we have to assume you’re getting that one because it’s kind of the whole premise of the movie. In which case, you have a 99% chance of dying in a horrible way, and you don’t get any rest or relaxation as the spirits haunting Room 1408 pump your brain full of harrowing illusions.

It’s not a very safe space for people wrestling with trauma or suffering from pre-existing mental health issues, but I guess what a haunted house is? Our protagonist, Mike, does manage to escape in the end (at least, one of the four endings this film has, I haven’t seen the others), but unless you have a bottle of 151-proof in your luggage to torch the place, you’re ironically kind of cooked.

Staff seemed nice when they aren’t letting you walk to your death, it’s got a good view, and you’ll at least have something interesting to write about if you make it out of there.

Editor, don’t even think about it.

STAFF & MANAGEMENT: 7/10

ROOMS: 7/10

AMENITIES: 7/10

H.C.A.I.W.D.H?: 1/10

OVERALL RATING: 6/10

THE OVERLOOK HOTEL (THE SHINING, DOCTOR SLEEP)

A scary giant hedge maze, snow-blanketed exteriors, and a high-quality turn-of-the-century architectural experience. Good lord, it even has high vaulted ceilings and clean-cut interior design. There are even opportunities to go skiing nearby. The Overlook gets a bad rap for being the site of a bunch of gruesome killings, but in their defense, your honor, the hotel was just evil. All that other stuff happened because the vibes were off.

Is it possible to rehabilitate the place like the Torrance family tried? Not at all. Will you die if you stay there? Absolutely. Is it kind of worth it, cause the place is just so gorgeous? I’m not here to make that judgement for you, but you know you only get to travel so many times in your life, you might as well make the last one a bang.

You can always count on the management and other guests to be particularly friendly, helping you out of pickles like getting locked in a pantry. They enable your bad habits too, of course, but at least you’ll have company once you’ve frozen to death out there. Who knows, they might even put you in one of their cool time paradox photos!

STAFF & MANAGEMENT: 8/10

ROOMS: 8/10

AMENITIES: 6/10

H.C.A.I.W.D.H?: 6/10

OVERALL RATING: 7/10

THE GREAT NORTHERN HOTEL (TWIN PEAKS)

This is objectively the right answer, no? The entire Great Northern Hotel is gorgeous with its rich, dark, wood interiors, lit warmly and designed with comfort in mind. It’s serene, has a beautiful look to it, and if you’re not Dale Cooper, your chances of getting shot in the stomach are zero to none!

And sure, the Horne Family that runs it is, on occasion, embroiled in scandal. And MAYBE Benjamin Horne is an irredeemable piece of garbage who wants to tear down the Ghostwood forest. And MAYBE he also owns a combination casino and brothel that he frequents. And MAYBE he’s partially responsible for the murder of a young woman who may or may not have been tortured to death by a demon/spirit/tulpa/doppleganger/Lynchian nightmare but…I mean, look at it! Tell me you wouldn’t want to stay there! Stop trying to take this away from me!

At least the Great Northern doesn’t have fish in its percolator.

STAFF & MANAGEMENT: 2/10

ROOMS: 10/10

AMENITIES: 10/10

H.C.A.I.W.D.H?: 10/10

OVERALL RATING: 8/10