It’s Giallo January here at Horror Press, which means it’s time that we do a bit of serious introspection regarding the killers of these films. What drives a person to cut down their victims and wreak havoc? Sometimes, it’s deep-seated, horrifying trauma that makes you snap. Sometimes, it’s just being in the wrong place at the wrong time. 

And sometimes, Mercury is just in retrograde. 

From Fulci, to Argento, to Bava, every sign has a great, black-gloved psycho killer that aligns with them. We’re here to get to the bottom of who gets what, and what the stars say is your sign’s best course of action for this year ahead. Now, let’s check those sun and moon houses, and sharpen those knives for the results…

Oh, and SPOILERS AHEAD for pretty much all of these films.

Which Giallo Killer Are YOU According to Your Horoscope?

AQUARIUS – Dr. Matthews (Death Walks on High Heels)

The most strategic of the signs, you like to plan everything out to a tee and can be a bit controlling. Your intellectual side gives you a leg up in your criminal escapades, and you occasionally work well in teams, but you’re not prone to compromise. Be careful who you team up with and compromise for, or you could end up giving away the game because your partners wanted to be bozos. 

Sit out if you’re offered a deal on blue contacts anytime soon; they might seem like a perfect red herring for your criminal plans, but really, you’ll just end up kicking yourself if you don’t get to use them. 

PISCES – Carol Hammond (A Lizard in A Woman’s Skin)

It’s an understatement to say you’re a dreamer: the intersection between dreams and reality is blurred at best, and you often find your mind wandering throughout the day. It’s definitely not always the healthiest way to deal with the stresses of daily life, but like all the best procrastinators and crunch-time movers, you are creative when under pressure. Just remember to stay somewhat grounded.

If a free spirit like another Pisces shows up in your life, take it as a good sign. The best scapegoat for your killings just walked through the door!

ARIES – Nina (Four Flies on Grey Velvet)

Prone to showing strong emotion and holding grudges, you want revenge for wrongdoings against you long after they’ve resolved. As the most hotheaded of the fire signs, you should really hold off on enacting any long-term plan to get revenge on a dead person, because chances are it’s just going to crash and blow up on you. You’re also probably a bit impulsive.

Hold off on wearing any statement piece necklaces until the occasion calls for it, and ride public transit when leaving friends’ houses.  

TAURUS – Santini (Opera)

As a Taurus, you appreciate the finer things in life, including live musical performances! 

Although you’re a committed partner who enjoys the comforts of being in a stable pairing, you might end up trying to force that spark again if the relationship goes awry. Which includes but is not limited to forcing someone’s eyes open with needles and making them watch you kill. It’s not worth the risk, but more importantly, it’s not a good love language. What does it say that you can only express passion through eye needles?

To make things short: If you truly love someone, you’ll let them go. And like, not set them on fire. 

GEMINI – Monica and Alberto (The Bird with the Crystal Plumage)

The busiest of the signs, Gemini will often find themselves going crazy (murderously or otherwise) trying to manage their tasks at hand; between seeing art exhibitions and venting the mounting psychotic pressure that urges you to take more lives, you can’t do it on your own. Your communication skills are your best trait, so communicate with your partner. Let them know you need help moving the bodies!  

And if you’re an Italian Gemini, don’t talk to any Americans on vacation. They’re just bad luck.

CANCER – Martha (Deep Red)

You would like to let go of the past, but deep down you have trouble doing that. You’re probably pretty nostalgic and moody in a way that never really leaves you. Even if you can’t rid yourself of that sensation, focus on keeping peace and avoiding conflict. Take time to balance that home life and make a rich interior world of it, even if that means putting someone’s dead body inside the walls.

Chances are you’re a really considerate gift giver too, with a penchant for handmade stuff. I mean, it takes a lot of effort to employ child-sized mechanical dolls in your terror spree. So use that to show your friends and family love! 

LEO –The Night Owl (Stage Fright)

Speaking of the theatre house, there you are, Leo!

You have a tendency to shine so hard that it kind of makes everybody else’s eyes hurt. That is to say, you don’t shy away from the attention on and off the stage, and you’re certainly not humble enough to downplay your contributions whenever you make them. Sure, you succumb to the odd bout of impostor syndrome, but you also end up in the right place at the right time for yourself, often enough that you should believe in the process. 

Trust yourself completely to take on the next challenge that comes your way, even if it’s killing a whole Off-Broadway production of Sweeney Todd or something. Avoid bird-themed headwear, and exit stage left!

VIRGO – Simon (A Bay of Blood)

You’re loyal to a fault as a Virgo, and sometimes, it can lead you into bad situations, but you only do it out of a deep love for others. Most people would rather have you on their team than go against you. You’re also pretty resourceful and can make the worst work for you when you have the right motivation from friends and family, who you guard closely. Still, just make sure those friends and family aren’t looking to inherit wealth from a dead relative, or things might get really messy. 

Pro-tip: Store billhooks and other sharp farm instruments in the shed instead of killing people with them for an auspicious winter!

LIBRA – The Black Mass Killers (All the Colors of the Dark)

The team players that bring balance, each Libra provides a special element to projects they collaborate on. But remember, even as an air sign that wants to work with people, you shouldn’t let yourself get lost in the group’s efforts, no matter how fun having a ring of blood-soaked conspirators is. Keep the circle tight-knit and don’t think you’re not worth the self-care; you need to put yourself first sometimes. Running a cult is hard work!

If you Libras are offered a solid grappling hook this month, or at the very least a big cushion, take it; this is your year to not eat it and die by falling.

SCORPIO – Peter (The New York Ripper)

Okay, okay, now hold on. I know this doesn’t help the “Scorpios are evil” stereotype, but you’re also in the company of about 11 other people who violently murder for things like “I just showed up to the theatre house and started winging it”, so I think I got some leeway here to distribute one bad killer. 

What can be said about the misunderstood Scorpio that hasn’t been said a thousand times? Your calculating (and sometimes cold) nature nets you a lot of wins on people you perceive as your enemies, but the knife of your ego is double-edged; if you give into it, you will inevitably fumble, and one faceplant always hurts enough to cancel a hundred victories. 

SAGITTARIUS – Frau Brückner (Phenomena)

You champion severely lost causes and overlook the worst in people; to you, a pile of walking red flags is just a fixer-upper that you can still solve. Whether this is caused by something that happened to you in your past or just a genuine hope for finding the best in people, you’re totally about to make this everyone’s problem! While some might call you “hopelessly optimistic”, you come in clutch for the people that need you…even if they need you to kill people hot on your trail. 

Friendly Sag advice for the next few weeks: stay away from chimpanzee exhibits at the zoo.

CAPRICORN – Gabriel (Malignant)

At first, you might not think so highly of Gabriel: a night owl with some serious codependency problems who likes hanging out in an attic. But Gabriel’s are ambitious, rebellious, headstrong, and above all else, violently solution-oriented. Someone tried to make you live inside your conjoined sister’s skull? As if that’s even an obstacle, just break free when she goes to sleep and KILL THEM ALL WITH CHAIRS. You will find your way around the problems in your life soon, cause if you can’t climb that mountain, you’ll dig right through it. 

Or, again, kill your way through life with chairs.

If you’re a Gabriel, you also probably didn’t even question the fact that Malignant is technically some kind of new, hybrid neo-giallo thing, and that’s why you’re cool as hell in my book.

***

Good luck out there to all my zodiac signs! And if you want the best of luck, make sure to keep following Horror Press for all the latest and greatest in horror movies, television, and everything in between!