Whether you took the first opportunity in the dog days of August to crack open the Halloween decor and order a Trenta, no-foam, five-shot half-caf, no-foam pumpkin spice latte with no foam at 210 degrees or choose to wait for an appropriately crisp day in September, Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios has made its yearly bicoastal arrival. It’s the New Year’s Eve of Spooky Season, toasting to the beginning of two months full of fog machines and midnight screams. This year, the olfactory sense is all the rage, as it seems Universal is embracing the concept of 4D more than ever before by filling your nostrils with putrid scents and mouth-watering morsels. So let’s celebrate the goriest time of the year with the ultimate countdown – from spoopiest to spookiest – of the wicked and wild haunts at HHN Hollywood and Orlando. After all, nothing more perfectly encapsulates that transition from summer camp slasher to the crackling leaves of whichever unfortunate town Art the Clown stalks than running for your life through a humid theme park in Florida or Southern California.

14. Terror Tram…The Exterminatorz (Hollywood)

The Universal Backlot Tour is a fascinating experience unique to Hollywood that takes you behind the scenes of one of the most well-established film studios in the world. Unfortunately, the 2023 Terror Tram may as well occur in a Party City because that’s where this low-budget outdoor haunt belongs. Bug women pushing giant plastic larvae in strollers are a far cry from the hoard of chainsaw-wielding clowns that rushed the tram in 2022. It’s sad to say that the best thing about this trip is the campy on-ride video that resembles an acting challenge from Ru Paul’s Drag Race. Unless you’re there to watch your friend with entomophobia pass out or haven’t done the Backlot Tour and want to walk through the (admittedly awesome) set of Jordan Peele’s most recent sci-fi thriller, this year’s Terror Tram is big NOPE!

13. The Darkest Deal (Orlando)

Anything is possible when it comes to creating demented and lived-in original houses at HHN, and yet, not unlike its doomed protagonist, The Darkest Deal falls just short of glory. Following a blues musician who makes a pact with the Devil to reach great musical heights, the story isn’t anything you haven’t seen before and is relatively light on scares. There are some standout moments, such as when said Devil manipulates his unlucky conscript on stage and a particularly hellish ending that steals the show, but otherwise, this deal is no different than a throwaway Netflix movie of the week.

12. Universal Monsters: Unmasked

After a few duds, the rest of the HHN houses stand perfectly fine on their own, but this is a ranking, so critique we must. Like any good horror fan, I was very interested in what Univeral would actually do with their gaggle of classic goons. And while it was great to see them in the flesh once more, their resurrection played it safe. Each monster has a neatly presented package that showcases who they are to varying degrees of gruesome detail, but it doesn’t amount to anything more than you’d expect. The optical illusion of The Invisible Man is indeed a sight to behold; however, I couldn’t help but yearn for the thrill of The Bride of Frankenstein Lives house from 2021 – an insane mashup of the titular monster and something out of the Underworld franchise.

11. Dueling Dragons: Choose Thy Fate (Orlando)

This is another throwback to the classics, referencing the iconic dueling coasters that once soared over the Islands of Adventure skyline. It’s most definitely the largest in scale out of all the HHN haunts, almost as if you’re on edge and briskly walking through an impeccably designed high fantasy film set. It’s a fun concept that shows reverence for the thrill rides of these great theme parks, but high fantasy and horror don’t typically mix, and it’s apparent here. The horror elements feel tacked on to what should otherwise be a permanent walkthrough experience at the park. Kudos to Universal for following through on the title and providing a choose-your-own-adventure style ending with two separate paths.

10. Bloodmoon: Dark Offerings (Orlando)

If you’ve ever wondered what it would feel like to be chased through a village by pitchfork-wielding townspeople like the Frankenstein monster, Bloodmoon: Dark Offerings has you covered. You’re the ugly duckling in a town full of culty colonial hens, and the experience is undoubtedly disorienting. It’s The VVitch meets Resident Evil 4, and everything’s on fire – perhaps to distract from the fact that nothing all that different happens throughout its runtime. This one’s more about sheer panic than a moody descent into madness, but sometimes, it’s nice to get a quick fix.

9. Dr. Oddfellow’s Twisted Origins (Orlando)

quaint /kwānt/ adjective 1. attractively unusual or old-fashioned

“The Good Doctor Oddfellow’s cabinet of curiosities provided a uniquely quaint experience compared to the more vulgar or contemporary houses at Halloween Horror Nights.”

Full of gorgeous detail from the first half of the 20th century when bearded ladies and strongmen ruled the circus circuit, you’ll be more entranced by its beauty than scared. It plays out like an episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark, and the finale – lit up in pale green flames – is a wonderous highlight.

8. Evil Dead Rise (Hollywood)

Before you even walk through the threshold of this deadite-infested highrise, you’re met with an incredibly lifelike animatronic of Ellie, the film’s antagonist, tangled up in the building’s elevator shaft – just like in the movie. Universal flexes its industry chops in moments like this and stands out above the competition. From then on, you move sequentially through the film’s various set pieces, from bathtubs to bloodbaths, and the “show them what’s behind door #1” type of jumpscares never quite let up. Unfortunately, it only partially embraces how grotesque the Evil Dead franchise truly is, which ranks it a bit lower on the list. Oh, and keep your eye out for a Staffney cameo!

7. The Exorcist: Believer

First and foremost, if you can’t handle intense poo smells, please STAY AWAY from this HHN house. One room gives new meaning to the term “immersive experience” and supplies a scent only a mother could love. Seriously, it saturated my sinuses for the remainder of the house. Otherwise, it follows in the footsteps of Evil Dead Rise and pulls you through the film’s presumed set pieces – a little spoilery considering it isn’t out until October – although it sometimes looks a tad too Spirit Halloween-ish by using masks instead of makeup & prosthetics for the possessed girls’ faces. A solid (and soiled) effort, nonetheless.

6. Chucky: Ultimate Kill Count

We stan Chucky here at Horror Press, but let’s face it…he isn’t all that scary. So, going into this one, the scares are a bonus rather than a qualifier. After trash-talking the queue line outside, the pint-sized psychopath recreates kills from both his movies and TV show, and there is quite literally a digital kill count displayed before entering new areas of the house. It’s a blast to breeze through and point out favorite moments from his storied history, and while there is an animatronic Devon Sawa and a few Tiffany dolls, there’s no Jennifer Tilly in sight. Sorry, Charles, but you almost made it into the Top 5.

Note: If you’re going to HHN: Hollywood, remember to check out the main gift shop just inside the park entrance. There are actual Chucky, Tiffany, and Glen/Glenda dolls on loan from special effects studio Alterian Inc. on display!

5. YETI: Campground Kills (Orlando)

It’s a simple concept that feels right. You’ve got a yeti on your tail, and the claustrophobic woodsy environment created by Universal makes the experience all the more realistic. You can tell the cast is having fun, and interactions between ill-fated campers and the mountainous monster really up the ante. It’s your own B-movie creature feature, but do be careful. No one usually survives those.

4. Monstruos: The Monsters of Latin America (Hollywood)

If the yeti served up B-movie thrills, Monstruos provides Guillermo del Toro-level monstrosities. Light on plot and heavy on character creation, these monsters put those from the Universal Classics Vault to shame. It’s moody with a morbid sense of humor, and it’s clear that “go big or go home” was the motto when designing its creatures. As if to prove how much they’ve got going on, there’s a flesh-eating bird the size of a Snorlax in the middle of the house instead of saved for the grand finale, as one might assume. You know that it’s special when presumed returnees are chanting, “Rip the spine! Rip the spine!” to a specific ghoul as if they’re re-watching a viral YouTube video.

3. Stranger Things 4

As we head toward the finish, it seems to be a trend that these houses are either heavy on scares or plot but cannot have it both ways. Well, such is the case for Stranger Things 4 because unless you’re scared of Sadie Sink lookalikes and the occasional Vecna arm grab, there’s not much to pee your pants over. That said, the set design and general immersion on display for fans of the show (of which there is legion) is really something to geek out over. It follows the plot of Season 4 to a tee, and there are not one but two Millie Bobby Brown hands outstretched psychic power moments. In a world full of tens, be an Eleven.

2. The Last of Us

Maybe I’m biased, but I am obsessed with the decision to base TLOU house on the video game rather than the HBO series. Maybe it’s because the game is better – yeah, I said it – and maybe it’s because, unlike the show, it includes some scary set pieces! The infamous sewer sequence was chosen as the moment in question, and it’s truly something to experience such a harrowing moment in video game history IRL. Seeing different actors represent Joel and Ellie throughout the house’s multiple scenes is a little odd, but everyone does a great job playing the beloved characters. The clickers are creepy, the action is tense, and you even get to see a Bloater rip a guy’s throat out!

1. Holidayz In Hell (Hollywood)

Everything about this original house is on its A-game. The outside facade features an NYE countdown attended by an evil Father Time and a 1920s flapper skeleton who holds a martini and poses for the queue. Inside, you begin at New Year’s and your birth(day) – for many, that’s a scary time – and travel across the calendar year through every major US holiday. Each celebration invents a clever and exciting way to blend murder and mayhem with their various rituals, and turning the corner into a new holiday becomes a dangerous guessing game on what to expect. The Halloween section blasts a banger of an EDM song that is sorely missing from music streaming services, and the Thanksgiving scents almost make you forget about the dead bodies around the dinner table. Holidayz in Hell has the scares and entertaining narrative one-two punch that marks it firmly at the top of our HHN ranking.

If you plan on attending Halloween Horror Nights this year, we wish you all the worst! And if you’re nowhere near Universal Studios and cannot make the trip, hopefully this list has inspired you to go out and get spooked at a local haunt instead. 

Either way, happy Spooky Season to all, and to all a dark night!