The presence has returned to haunt us all. It comes back every year for revenge. It can’t be escaped or reasoned with. And it plans on cooking you alive…
We are, of course, talking about the Summer. God, it’s been hot out recently.
As the time to sit back and unwind arrives, we at the Horror Press Estates have been thinking a lot about the perfect summertime party to chill at, horror movie-wise, of course. And this isn’t just because the only firepit on the estate has a demon inside it, or the fact that the swimming pool is electrified for our editor’s amusement. It’s also because, well…some of these horror movie parties look good.
Sure, you could get crumpled by a hulking super-zombie, or shish kebabbed by a dream demon, but every party comes with some inherent risk. And these are the risks we’ll have to take if we want to have fun.
I’ve broken down the science of the summer party rating into five empirical categories: Venue (where this is going down), Partygoers (general vibes and fun people), Drinks & Snacks (obvious), Music (slightly less obvious), and Am I Chill With Dying Here? (in which I determine how cool I am with beefing it at this party).
Let’s get into it.
The Midsommar Festival from…Midsommar
By far my least favorite. Setting aside the fact that this is an evil gaslighting Swede cult for a moment, can any of these people throw a genuinely fun midsummer festival?
Yeah, everyone here seems nice until they’re forming screaming circles around a depressed girl or drugging people to dance nonstop around a maypole. On top of that, nobody here seems to have a not folk music-centric playlist hooked up to the aux. No wonder you people are insane; there’s not a single Chief Keef song, no early Kanye, there’s not even an obligatory ABBA track!
Also, the sun is out…24/7. Which, frankly, harshes my vibes and docks them quite a few points.
VENUE: 5/10
PARTYGOERS: 2/10
DRINKS & SNACKS: 0/10
MUSIC: 3/10
AM I CHILL WITH DYING HERE? A.I.C.W.D.H?: 1/10
OVERALL SCORE: 2/10
The Graveyard Party from Return of The Living Dead
I know, I know, Linnea Quigley’s iconic gravestone dance as the death-obsessed Trash is something else, yes, but…frankly, outside of that, it’s a graveyard.
Which isn’t to say a cemetery couldn’t be spruced up to be a fun venue, but tonally the whole affair is off. Not to mention, this scenario has one of the most nightmarish and unfun ways to die when you get caught—unlike the other parties on this list, this death is inevitable and painful. What fun!
Mixed with a severe lack of refreshments, and the admittedly boring guests put this low in my rankings. Except for a few of the cast’s quirkier members and a decent playlist, this one has got to go. Except for Spider. Miguel Nunez Jr. can always stick around in my book.
VENUE: 3/10
PARTYGOERS: 5/10
DRINKS & SNACKS: 1/10
MUSIC: 6/10
A.I.C.W.D.H?: 0/10
OVERALL SCORE: 3/10
The Meat Grinder Murder Rave from The Collection
Another toss-up for me. Everything up until a big spinning thresher blade drops down from the ceiling and starts coming for you seems pretty chill. The music is bumping, the drinks are flowing, and you’re blissfully unaware that an entomologist with a leather fetish and a lot of free time on his hands has it out for you.
It’s very clear The Collector had to be good at party planning to set it off like this, so frankly, I have to respect the work ethic. But he cuts things off way too quickly! He didn’t even let the ambiance ride. You’re either going to a.) suffer immensely, or b.) die quickly and obliviously. This is certainly a big gamble party-wise…buuut that DJ did seem like she was having fun! You know, until she got exploded by the thresher.
VENUE: 8/10
PARTYGOERS: 6/10
DRINKS & SNACKS: 6/10
MUSIC: 8/10
A.I.C.W.D.H?: 3/10
OVERALL SCORE: 6/10
Poolside Party Fouls in Nightmare On Elm Street 2
It may seem like a bog-standard cookout at a nice house in the suburbs…and that’s because it is. We have to have a mostly normal party somewhere in here. Pro: This is arguably the nicest house in Springfield. Con: We’re still in Ohio. But hey, as long as you’re not Jesse, Grady, or Lisa, you can pretty much dip at the first sign of glass breaking and pools igniting with hellfire with no real consequence. If I die here, it will likely be super painful, but it’d be kind of my own fault. Solid party, in my opinion.
VENUE: 7/10
PARTYGOERS: 7/10
DRINKS & SNACKS: 8/10
MUSIC: 6/10
A.I.C.W.D.H?: 6/10
OVERALL SCORE: 7/10
The Cool-Ass Corn Field Party from Freddy V.S. Jason
Now, this. This is the party that separates the boys from the men. And the corn from the husk! Not only does this have a killer finale (that you can feasibly escape) involving a blaze, blades, and bursting beer kegs, but it’s also got an ideal and aesthetic venue with good sound systems. On top of that, Jason is the ultimate weapon in determining the comedown, because he’s already built to stop the party. Plus, it would make for a legendary party story if you could get a glowstick necklace around him before dying.
VENUE: 10/10
PARTYGOERS: 8/10
DRINKS & SNACKS: 9/10
MUSIC: 9/10
A.I.C.W.D.H?: 10/10
OVERALL SCORE: 9/10
THE GLOVERFEST from Friday the 13 th Part IV
Man, I could watch this goober dance all day. Need I say more?
VENUE: 10/10
PARTYGOERS: 10/10
DRINKS & SNACKS: 10/10
MUSIC: 10/10
A.I.C.W.D.H?: 10/10
OVERALL SCORE: CRISPIN GLOVER/10