Editorials
Couples Counseling Through the Chucky Series
Before you run to your My Bloody Valentine rewatches and don your creepy Cupid masks to adore your significant other in, Horror Press Reader, let’s sit down and talk about our feelings. Or rather, the feelings of fictional people, and what we can learn from them. The Chucky franchise at large is a well-loved one here at Horror Press; we have the episode-by-episode recaps to prove it. So today, we’ve compiled some relationship advice from the most emotionally stable people I can imagine. Which is to say, doll serial killers and their horribly traumatized victims.
Before you run to your My Bloody Valentine rewatches and don your creepy Cupid masks to adore your significant other in, Horror Press Reader, let’s sit down and talk about our feelings. Or rather, the feelings of fictional people, and what we can learn from them. The Chucky franchise at large is a well-loved one here at Horror Press; we have the episode-by-episode recaps to prove it. So today, we’ve compiled some relationship advice from the most emotionally stable people I can imagine. Which is to say, doll serial killers and their horribly traumatized victims.
What better sample of people is there, really?
Jake and Devon: Communication Is Key, But If It Doesn’t Unlock Any Doors Does It Matter?
Chucky was a show struck down in its prime. Just as we were getting to a pretty cool spot with our main protagonists trapped in dolls, and everyone’s favorite couple in horror renewing their vows to do no good, SyFy yanked it away from us by failing to lock in on a fourth season renewal.
Among its many plotlines was the very tumultuous relationship between main characters Jake and Devon, the young couple who were united through a love of true crime and a hatred of Charles Lee Ray. But one of their recurring issues throughout the show is that, despite the multiple scenes where they sit down with each other and communicate their feelings amid the horrors going on, they eventually regress to their previous relationship status of mildly uncomfortable.
They don’t seem to be getting a better understanding of each other, so it begs the question: how much progress is really being made here by just communicating if you don’t actively try to mend your issues? Talking things out is fine, but actions speak louder than words.
Chucky Trio: Love Of Self Can Become Love of Others
Curse of Chucky is probably the most underrated of the films in the Child’s Play franchise, and it’s in no small part thanks to the fun developments in lore that it has to offer. Key among these is the idea of Chucky using Damballa’s magic to split his soul between multiple dolls simultaneously, which has since become a staple of the franchise and a recurring plot point.
Am I kind of implying here Charles Lee Ray’s army of doll clones are a polycule in their own right? Yes, but we don’t have enough time to unpack that. The point is that the relationship between these three dolls is one of discovery, and learning to love yourself. By learning to love his self-image and enjoy his own company, Buzzcut Chucky finds emotional fulfillment and a renewed sense of purpose with the help of his two clone compatriots.
He gets beaten to death shortly thereafter, but if you’re not being hunted by Andy Barclay, you can take this lesson without fear. So, embrace who you are so you can better embrace your partner!
Jesse and Jade: Sometimes You Just Have To Wake Up and Break Up
Fiction is full of famous couples who make their relationship problems everyone else’s. Christine and Erik from The Phantom of the Opera. Magneto and Professor X from the X-Men. Even Kano and Kabal from Mortal Kombat (again, I don’t have the time to unpack that).
But do you know who isn’t on that list? Jesse and Jade from Bride of Chucky, the incredibly grating and incredibly immature duo that aggravates the audience with their befuddling relationship choices the whole runtime, only to somehow survive the entire film. And it doesn’t matter that they walk away with their arms around each other at the end, you know as soon as they get back to New Jersey they’re going to be making everyone’s lives miserable again in like two weeks, at MOST.
Despite it being a popular turn of phrase nowadays to say you don’t owe anybody anything, you do, in fact, owe them some form of peace. The lesson here is simple: for the sake of your sanity, and the sanity of the people in your lives, sometimes you just have to break up. Toxic relationship that makes no sense? Break up. Can’t communicate to save your lives? Break up. Just being downright annoying? WAKE UP AND BREAK UP.
Nica and Tiffany: Lack of Follow-Through Can Leave A Relationship Going In Circles
One of the more controversial pairings on this list, given the nature of their relationship, involved one of them being possessed by the spirit of their evil father and then having their legs chopped off by their pseudo-lover; you might wonder what lessons are to be gleaned from this duo.
As the series goes on, Nica fails at the finish line every time she has Tiffany in her clutches. Vengeance is at hand! Until it isn’t. Which after the first few times, you would think it wasn’t her fault, but by the time she’s doing Three Stooges pratfalls in a prison parking lot, it really does feel like Nica herself has performance anxiety when it comes to taking out her nemesis. And you can’t say it’s about not being able-bodied; she survived Chucky and Tiffany without having the ability to walk multiple times!
The bottom line is, if you plan to take someone out, you’ve got to follow through. Whether it’s a date night or an assassination attempt, you’ve got to show the dedication and the drive to make things work. Otherwise, you’ll be left going in circles with little to show for it; you’ll go from disappointing others, to flat out disappointing yourself.
Chucky and Tiffany: Sometimes Relationships Are A Mystery—And Sometimes They’re Better Off That Way
And of course, like with every relationship advice article, we have one that doesn’t make any sense at all.
Chucky and Tiffany are the spokespeople for toxic relationships in horror. They rise, they work together, they bicker, they murder each other or have someone murder the other on their behalf, and then it all starts over again. So why does it work so well? The craziest thing is that they’re ultimately happy. They’re like extremophiles, swimming in the toxic waste that is their own love. They make grand gestures of love for each other; they even renew their vows. They bring out the best from each other whenever they’re together.
I like to think part of it is treating their lives like it’s their last, even when voodoo magic means they’re absolutely coming back to life. But ultimately, it doesn’t matter if others understand, or if your relationship makes sense to everyone else. What matters is that it works for you and makes you happy. Protect your peace, and protect your love. Because at the end of the day, it’s all we got.
Oh, and before I forget, a very happy Valentine’s Day to all our Horror Press fans out there! And don’t murder anyone, I don’t care how in love you are.
We’re digging into workplace horror this month at Horror Press. While there are plenty of horror stories about the evils committed against workers, other movies take a different tack. Sometimes they’re about the horrors perpetrated by people who care way too much about their jobs and their status. This has perhaps never been distilled more perfectly than in American Psycho’s business card scene. Our killer, Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale), has a just-barely-not-literal dick-measuring contest with his coworkers by comparing their nearly identical cards. Witness below:
In the scene, we are presented with multiple differing opinions about which cards are better than others. However, it seems pretty clear that everybody thinks Paul Allen’s is far and away the best. But who are these assholes to judge? I’m here to settle once and for all which business card is most worthy of a table at Dorsia.
American Psycho (2000) Business Cards Ranked
4. Timothy Bryce (Justin Theroux)
First and foremost, there are two glaring flaws here. However, they are endemic to every business card at Pierce & Pierce. The biggest is that “Acquisitions” is misspelled. It’s missing the C! However, since all four cards are missing the C, we must assume that the company itself has a misspelled name. The fact that this infuriates me either makes me better than Patrick Bateman or way worse. I don’t wish to interrogate that.
The other issue I have right off the bat is that the last name is in all caps. I can’t quite articulate why that annoys me so much. But every card does this, so I similarly need to remove that factor from consideration when ranking them.
Bateman calls this card “impressive” and “very nice,” but you can tell that he’s lying through his teeth. The man’s ideas aren’t always great, but he’s right about Huey Lewis & The News, and he’s right about Bryce’s card. It’s too plain. The raised lettering might add some texture, but it doesn’t pop visually. The pale, nimbus white coloring is fine, I guess. But when combined with that pulpy horizontal pattern, the card looks like nothing less than a strip of toilet paper.
I do like how the card pops out of his metal carrying case at an angle, like a cigarette. But we’re judging the card on its own merits, not by its delivery mechanism.
3. David Van Patten (Bill Sage)
If we were judging by delivery mechanism, Bryce might have the edge. We don’t see how Van Patten’s card emerges. However, his delivery is quick enough that we can assume he didn’t extract it from some sort of cool sheath. The card itself does lose points right off the bat, though, because Bryce calls it “super” and “tasteful.” What the hell does that guy know?
Patrick muses that “I can’t believe that Bryce prefers Van Patten’s card to mine.” Once again, he’s right on the money. The man may be a cold-blooded murderer, but he’s got a killer eye. The eggshell coloring with Romalian type isn’t much better than Bryce’s card, for the most part. However, the font used for the phone number in the upper-left corner has a lot more flair. Plus, that pulpy pattern is more vertical here, and that makes a huge difference. The card looks more like a stucco wall than something you’d wipe your ass with.
2. Paul Allen (Jared Leto)
Now, this is the card that sends Bateman into a jealous rage. I don’t know if it’s quite worthy of that, but it’s certainly the best of his trio of competitors. And while I’m not trying to count presentation toward this ranking, there’s no denying the aura that Allen has. The BDE of people talking about his card when he’s not even in the room is undeniable. Allen doesn’t even need to throw his hat into the ring. Bateman asks to see his card. And Bryce pulls it out of his own pocket with trembling, reverential fingers.
There’s a lot here that gets Patrick Bateman flying off the handle. “Subtle off-white coloring.” I’ll give you the coloring. I don’t know about subtle, though. It’s bold and practically glowing. But I like it! “Tasteful thickness.” I’ll have to take his word for it on the tastefulness, but who wants a thick business card? That sounds like a one-way ticket to a paper cut.
And then Bateman concludes by admiring its watermark, which I simply can’t abide. Watermarks have only ever made things more visually cluttered. Case in point: If you’ve ever searched for a generic photo on Google, you’ve probably already declared a blood feud against Alamy.
All in all, though, it’s a pretty good card! I love the detail that the information at the bottom is displayed in two rows. It makes it all much easier to parse. However, alongside the aforementioned demerits, Allen gets major points off for the pretentious dots between digits in his phone number.
1. Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale)
By picking Patrick Bateman’s card as my No. 1, I’m technically disagreeing with him. That’s how I can sleep at night.
I do like how he flips it casually out of his case, like a gunslinger. That doesn’t count, of course, but the card speaks for itself anyway. The bone coloring works well with the black Silian Rail lettering, making the overall effect less harsh on the eyes. And the embossed lettering gives it the visual texture that Bryce’s raised letters failed to achieve. I do think it’s a little disturbing how much margin there is on the card, though. It’s like the words are shrinking away from the edges. There’s too much negative space. However, there is a lot of flair in the font here. Those are some downright saucy serifs, on the phone number in particular. This card stands out among the crowd.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to return some videotapes.
Last year for 420, the great Sharai Bohannon hit you with the Top 5 Stoner Horror Movies on streaming. To celebrate 420 this year, we’re expanding our scope with horror movies to watch when you’re super stoned. There is a difference, you see. Movies don’t have to be about stoners in order to appeal to the righteously baked. Let’s jump right into it, before that edible kicks in.
5. Hausu (1977)
The only reason Hausu is ranked so low is that you may not speak Japanese. If you don’t, subtitles will likely be a struggle to keep up with. However, you don’t really need subtitles to keep up with Hausu. Obayashi Nobuhiko’s surrealist classic isn’t about plot. A witch is sucking the youth out of schoolgirls by killing them one by one. It’s not hard to parse. What Hausu is really about is giving you the brain-scrambles in every possible way.
Scenes as simple as schoolgirls getting on a bus are presented in a kaleidoscopic, colorful barrage of imagery. So imagine how it looks once the story actually gets balls-to-the-wall nuts. We’re talking characters being eaten by pianos and turning into piles of bananas. It’s wild, and it’s impossible to predict what’s around the next corner. However, the movie’s nonstop sense of fun is a safety net that should prevent you from getting too overwhelmed.
Hausu (1977) is currently streaming for free on Plex.
4. Amityville 1992: It’s About Time (1992)
Honestly, being stoned could only improve this latter installment in the Amityville Horror franchise. You might not be alert enough to notice just how low budget this haunted house sequel is. This will allow you to focus on just how bananas its goopy, special effects-heavy time travel story gets. Between the inscrutable character motivations and creative visuals, it’s dreamlike in the best possible way.
Amityville 1992: It’s About Time (1992) is currently streaming for free on Plex.
3. Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)
There’s nothing better than a post-Elm Street sequel to a straightforward pre-Elm Street slasher. Wes Craven’s 1984 classic was a shot of adrenaline straight to the heart of the slasher genre. However, its supernatural premise meant that copycat filmmakers had to shift their priorities as the slasher boom continued. It doesn’t matter a lick that the original Slumber Party Massacre had no supernatural elements. Its sequel’s a straight-up musical about a dream killer bearing an electric guitar with a giant drill bit on it. You just gotta roll with it. This movie also features some gloriously gross, cheesy nightmare sequences that stand among the best of the Elm Street ripoffs. Nothing could possibly dilate your stoned pupils more than the “evil chicken” or “exploding pimple” sequences. It’s also just 77 minutes long. Even if you’ve overestimated how much awakeness you had left in you, you can get through it.
Slumber Party Massacre II (1987) is currently streaming for free on Plex.
2. Suspiria (1977)
Dario Argento’s Suspiria is probably the most intense movie on this list in terms of its horror elements. So be warned. However, its purity as a visual experience is unmatched in the horror genre. Many filmmakers have tried and failed to recapture its color-drenched nightmare logic. Everything in the movie, from the plot to the aesthetic, feels simultaneously bizarre and perfectly ordered. Of course that woman has fallen into a room full of barbed wire. Of course that scene of a corpse crashing through a stained-glass ceiling is beautiful enough to make you weep. Honestly, maybe being stoned will get you onto whatever plane is required to fully pick up what it’s putting down.
Suspiria (1977) is currently streaming for free on Kanopy and Plex (which is a friend to all stoners, apparently).
1. Killer Party (1986)
Killer Party is also a post-Nightmare on Elm Street slasher. However, the liberties it takes with the genre are even more unhinged. It’s simultaneously a sorority slasher, a college comedy, and… well, I shouldn’t spoil that last subgenre. It’s a lot of different movies at once, all of which are perfectly designed to appeal to the stoned palate. Plus, its opening sequence within an opening sequence within an opening sequence should unlock your galaxy brain headspace right away.
Honorable Mention: Idle Hands (1999)
This title was already on Sharai’s list, otherwise it would have been at the top of mine. Not only is it a movie about stoners, but it’s a damn delightful horror-comedy thrill ride. 1990s horror icon Devon Sawa stars as a lazy young man whose hand is possessed by a homicidal demon. Things only get kookier from there.
