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What If…? Your Favorite Final Girls Became Final Boys?

So, in the spirit of this whimsical month celebrating all things Other, it’s time to set the seriousness aside and crank up the sass like you’re slinging memes on Gay Twitter™. Let’s reimagine history and rewrite horror as if the Gay Agenda won the culture wars of yesteryear – and poke a little fun at ourselves in the process. Here’s what could have gone down if your favorite Final Girls were a little more sapphic or swapped out with a Final Gay. If we can’t go to our local AMC to watch a gay couple terrorized by Mask 4 Mask Strangers in a shitty reboot trilogy, we’ll write it ourselves!

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Pride is a celebration, and chances are you or someone you know has enjoyed a night of revelry in its name. Sex, drugs, and an ambiguous “I’ll be right back” as your friend heads to an undisclosed location are par for the course and, according to Scream horror buff Randy Meeks, are also the exact reasons you’ll meet your gruesome end. The Rules of Horror – penned for the screen by Kevin Williamson – state that committing any of these cardinal sins will effectively ruin your chances of being canonized as the Final Girl – a term coined in 1992 by professor Carol J. Clover and one you’re undoubtedly familiar with if you’ve found your way to Horror Press. Mere minutes after Randy’s ominous lecture, however, heroine Sidney Prescott takes a bold step toward dismantling these virginal tropes against the patriarchal villains of slasher lore and does the unthinkable: She bangs her boyfriend. Her character created a ripple effect in the genre, evolving the archetype of the Final Girl into something much fiercer and well beyond the decades-long puritanical pearl-clutching writers and directors insisted these women should embody. This Darwinistic trial-by-slasher, which changed what it meant to be a badass female protagonist, begs the question:

Where are the modern incarnations of a Final Boy, or more appropriately, a Final Gay?

While something of a rarity in the genre, horror has had a handful of notable Final Boys, from the legendary Ash Williams of Evil Dead to little Tommy Jarvis and an older Tommy Doyle of F13: The Final Chapter and Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, respectively, and even Chris Washington in the subversive Get Out. Whereas Final Girls level up beyond the scantily clad lambs of the male gaze, these Final Boys tend to stay in their lane and complete their hero’s journey into that of a fully realized, stereotypical man. Whether that means they become a white knight or something toxically XY depends on the film. Even when the male lead presents as hysterical – a trait history has seen fit to deem outspoken women – until it’s too late, which typically occurs within the confines of the psychological or supernatural subgenres, they tend to “man up” as it were and sacrifice themselves for their loved ones. Unless you’re watching Hostel, we rarely see these Final Boys degraded to nothing more than slabs of meat, and heaven forbid any of them are homosexual or something altogether different.

If Final Boys are less prevalent than their female counterparts and amount to not much more than fulfilling gender roles when they do appear, you’d be hard-pressed to name more than a few instances of an LGBTQ+ version. You have the problematically depicted and conflicted Jesse of A Nightmare on Elm Street 2 and a small number of queer horror films made by queer creators like Knife + Heart and Death Drop Gorgeous, but otherwise, Pride in horror seems to be relocated to streaming in 2024. It’s terrific that we have shows like Chucky and Interview with the Vampire. Netflix’s Fear Street trilogy was a breath of fresh air when it slashed its way onto our screens during the summer of 2021, but it’s easier for the higher-ups to approve an atypical script when it can get lost in the shuffle of streaming. It’s well known that Gen Z doesn’t go to the movie theater, though they’ll eat up their alternative content from the couch. No one in Hollywood is taking any chances blowing up their four-quadrant summer blockbuster with a lead who kicks up his feet with a vodka soda and the “Chromatica Ball” tour film after saving the world.

So, in the spirit of this whimsical month celebrating all things Other, it’s time to set the seriousness aside and crank up the sass like you’re slinging memes on Gay Twitter™. Let’s reimagine history and rewrite horror as if the Gay Agenda won the culture wars of yesteryear – and poke a little fun at ourselves in the process. Here’s what could have gone down if your favorite Final Girls were a little more sapphic or swapped out with a Final Gay. If we can’t go to our local AMC to watch a gay couple terrorized by Mask 4 Mask Strangers in a shitty reboot trilogy, we’ll write it ourselves!

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation

This darkly comedic sequel follows in the absurd footsteps of the second film in the franchise and features a Leatherface who exists solely in drag. Keep backwoods McConaughey and Renée Zellweger, but add a couple of drag queens to the cast, and you’d get a horror version of HBO’s We’re Here. Instead of stopping ole Leather n’ Lace, we’d see Renée and her drag crew help him find self-acceptance and a new chosen family, thus leaving the murder and mayhem behind – and perhaps eventually becoming America’s Next Drag Superstar. Aww!

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The Craft

I idolize Fairuza Balk as much as the next Witch of WeHo, but if you replaced one of the film’s wiccan wonders with a genderfluid brujo, they’d run that school and, eventually, the world. When someone is so sure of themselves at such a young age, they are unstoppable, and there’s no time for petty revenge when the bottom line is at stake. Moving on up from Los Angeles goth to bitchy Bitcoin billionaire, this witch would harness the power of Menon for everything it’s worth.

Scream

Who needs Billy & Stu fanfic when you’ve got a gay male Sidney Prescott (no name change necessary) pining over the deadly duo? If horror’s new age It Girl defied expectations, Gay Sid would fall into every trope and trap faster than Cindy Campbell of Scary Movie. Sis would ignore every red flag that Billy’s sinister eyes and dreamboat hair sashay his way and break every one of Randy’s Rules before Miss Barrymore popped a single kernel of corn. There’s no doubt Gay Sid’s poor choices would have resulted in a Ghostface success story, but at least we’d have seen someone match bestie Tatum’s extreme levels of shade.

Twilight

It barely constitutes as horror, sure, but imagine the fun we’d all have if you took this poorly-written love triangle and remade it in the image of Luca Guadagnino’s Challengers. Bella pitting her two little monsters against each other as they fight – and kiss – for her affection sells itself, and skin that only sparkles in the sunlight is as clear a metaphor for bisexuality as I’ve ever seen. I’d pay good money to hear Kristen Stewart sneer, “I’m taking such good care of my little alt-bois.”

Orphan

If you don’t know the twist of this dark horse classic, turn back now. Okay, now imagine if, instead of being an adult woman, Esther was an older twink with a magnificent skincare routine, an Ozempic prescription, and enough filler to resurrect the Titanic. The culture would never be the same.

The Conjuring

I know I’ve been playfully roasting the community during these what-ifs, but what if James Wan’s family-oriented haunted house classic, The Conjuring featured a non-traditional family unit instead? When you break it down, the franchise ultimately promotes a wholesome message about love and the ties that bind, and it would be rainbow-heartening to watch a queer-led family face the paranormal odds together. Plus, those screams would be wild.

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It Follows

As a metaphor for the intricacies of sex and the tangled web it weaves, It Follows is a masterful slow-burn terror. Set it in the gay community, however, and you’ve got a farcical version of Cruising set to a killer synthy soundtrack. Every pun would be intentional as we scream, “Don’t go in there!” at our queer family as they bob and weave through crowded bars and dimly lit dalliances. Who doesn’t like a genre mashup?

Mother!

Darren Aronofsky’s biblical allegory is a nail-biting whirlwind seen through the destruction of a deceptively happy married couple and their perfect home. The term “U-Hauling” jokingly refers to the speed at which lesbian couples take the next step and move in together at a moment’s notice. Meld these two ideas together, and you get a social commentary on the systematic dismantling of the white-picket idealism two women seek out without the interference of men. Life’s a cycle, and the U-Haul runs on a loop.

Happy Death Day

Using an LGBTQ+ ensemble cast, set this time loop slasher during a Pride parade. Boom. Jessica Roth can come too.

Midsommar

When a gay man reaches thirty, he is effectively deceased. When a twenty-something gay man gets married and enters into a life of suburban heteronormativity, it’s called early retirement. Enter Danny, a disillusioned and newly married party boy ready to leave his days in the big city behind and consent to a life of apple picking and candle making. Life in this idyllic upstate New York community is not as it seems…

Crawl

Gays tend to be overanalytical and prone to flight over fight. So when a Category 5 hurricane hits Florida and traps college swimmer Haley in the crawlspace of her father’s home as she searches for him during the storm, you had better believe the circumstances would be different if she were a gay man. Instead of being swarmed by alligators, he’d be breast-stroking his way across state lines and out of harm’s way. What are you doing in Florida, of all places, during Pride, anyway? At least hit up Miami and Disney on your way out.

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Pearl

The titular unhinged icon will stop at nothing to be a star, but what if we replaced her with the ubiquitous chronically online Gay Intern? From star to stan, this ferocious iteration of Ti West’s muse will let the world know exactly which pop divas are the fairest of them all. You think this is a joke, but offend the Barbz or Swifities, and you’ll end up doxxed, delirious, or dead (allegedly).

I don’t know if Carol J. Clover ever expected her work to connect with such a ridiculous article, but we all know the Final Girl ran so that the Final Gay could prance. I’ve frequently lamented the lack of LGBTQ+ protagonists in mainstream media, and if there were ever a genre for us to call home, it’s horror. There are plenty of female-driven stories to tell, but people of all gender identities and sexual orientations deserve a seat at the table, too. So what gives, Hollywood?

P.S. I’m available to write that queer Happy Death Day sequel.

 

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Alex Warrick is a film lover and gaymer living the Los Angeles fantasy by way of an East Coast attitude. Interested in all things curious and silly, he was fearless until a fateful viewing of Poltergeist at a young age changed everything. That encounter nurtured a morbid fascination with all things horror that continues today. When not engrossed in a movie, show or game he can usually be found on a rollercoaster, at a drag show, or texting his friends about smurfs.

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Editorials

What’s in a Look? The Jason Voorhees Redesign Controversy

The Jason Voorhees redesign sparked heated debate, but is the backlash overblown? Dive into Friday the 13th’s formula and fan expectations.

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If you’re a longtime reader of Horror Press, you may have noticed that I really really like the Friday the 13th franchise. Can’t get enough. And yet, I simply couldn’t muster a shred of enthusiasm for piling hate on the new Jason Voorhees redesign that Horror, Inc. recently shared with an unwitting public.

Why the Jason Voorhees Redesign Controversy Feels Overblown

Hockey mask? Check. Machete? Check. Clothing? Yeah, he’s wearing it. I really didn’t see the problem, but very many people online pointed out all the places where I should. The intensity and specificity of the critiques shot me right back to 2008, reminding me distinctly of watching Project Runway with my friend’s mom while I waited for him to get home from baseball practice. What, just me?

But the horror community’s sudden transformation into fashion mavens got me thinking about other things, too: the character of the franchise as a whole, how Jason Voorhees fits into it, and why I feel like this reaction has been blown out of proportion. (A disproportionate reaction to a pop culture thing? On my Internet? Well I never.)

Baghead Jason

What Does A Jason Look Like, Anyway?

What confused me the most about this reaction was something I couldn’t quite get a bead on. What does Jason Voorhees look like? His look, both masked and unmasked (especially unmasked), changes wildly from film to film, even when he’s played by the same person (in three consecutive movies, Kane Hodder played a hulking zombie Jason, a shiny slime monster Jason, and a Jason who was mainly seen in mirrors and looked like his face was stung by a thousand bees). And then there’s the matter of him being both a zombie child and a bagheaded killer before receiving his iconic hockey mask.

However, if you synthesize the various forms of the character into the archetypical Jason Voorhees, the one that most people might visualize in their head when told to imagine him, the result doesn’t not look like this new redesign. Frankly, I even think “redesign” is too strong a word for what this is. This image shows a dude in outdoorsy clothes wearing a hockey mask. It looks enough like “Jason Voorhees” to me that my eyes just slide right off of it.

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What Do We Expect From Friday the 13th, And What Do We Need?

Ultimately, many people clearly disagree with my assessment of this redesign, which led me to ponder the franchise as a whole. If there’s something to complain about with this new look, that implies that there is a “right” way and a “wrong” way to be a Friday the 13th movie.

This I can agree with. While the franchise is wide-ranging and expansive to the point that it has included Jason going to space, fighting a dream demon, and taking a cruise ship from a New Jersey lake to the New York harbor, the movies do still follow a reasonably consistent formula.

Step 1: Generate a group of people in a place either on the shores of Crystal Lake or in Crystal Lake township (they can travel elsewhere, but this is where they must start).
Step 2: Plunk Jason down near them, give him a variety of edged weapons, and watch what happens. One girl survives the onslaught, and sometimes she brings along a friend or two as adjunct survivors. Bada bing, bada boom, you have yourself a Friday the 13th movie.

If you fuck with that formula, you’ve got a problem. But beyond that, there’s really not a hell of a lot that the movies have in common. Sometimes you have a telekinetic final girl, other times you have a child psychologist. Sometimes the dead meat characters are camp counselors, but other times they’re partiers or townies or students attending space college.

Hell, even the people killing them aren’t always the same. Look at Pamela Voorhees in the original movie or Roy in A New Beginning.

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So why this protectiveness around the minutiae of Jason’s look?

It’s Us, Hi, We’re The Problem, It’s Us

I don’t mean to discount everyone’s negative opinions about this Jason redesign. There are a multitude of aesthetic and personal reasons to dislike what’s going on here, and you don’t have to turn that yuck into a yum just because I said so. But I think we’ve had online fandoms around long enough to see how poisonous they can be to the creative process.

For instance, was The Rise of Skywalker a better movie because it went down the laundry list of fan complaints about The Last Jedi and basically had characters stare into the camera and announce the ways they were being fixed?

Look, I’m not immune to having preconceived disdain for certain projects. If I’m waiting for a new installment in a franchise and all that I’m hearing coming out of producers’ mouths is “prequel” and “television show,” those are fighting words.

However, the constant online pushback to projects that are in early development might be one reason it has taken us so long to actually get more Friday the 13th (I’m talking in addition to the long delays amid the lawsuit, of course). It’s been more than a decade and a half without a new Jason vehicle, and that time keeps on stretching longer and longer.

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Poll taken from Horror Press Instagram account

What Fans Really Want From a New Jason Voorhees Movie

Instead of just letting the creative tap flow and having a filmmaker put out the thing they want to make, then having somebody else take the wheel and do that same thing for the next installment, it seems like producers are terrified of making the wrong move and angering the fans, which has prevented them from actually pulling the trigger on much of anything.

Look, we survived A New Beginning. And Jason Takes Manhattan. Even Jason Goes to Hell. A controversial misstep can’t kill the immortal beast that is Friday the 13th. I say let’s just let them make one. Having something tangible to complain about is better than having nothing at all.

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Editorials

Monstrous Mothers: Unveiling the Horror in ‘Mommie Dearest’ and ‘Umma’

The horror umbrella is massive and encompasses many subgenres including thrillers, sci-fi, and even true crime. I like to quip that movies like Mommie Dearest and Priscilla belong to the latter category. I even point out they have final girls surviving their monsters, but like most jokes, there is a lot of hard truth behind that. To be clear, Mommie Dearest is highly contested even by Christina Crawford, who wrote the book about the abuse suffered at the hands of her alcoholic guardian. However, the fact remains that there is an abusive mother terrorizing children at the heart of the horror. This is a tale as old as time in the genre, and we see these themes of motherhood, mental illness, and generational trauma often. So, why do we typically forget this movie when discussing titles like Psycho (1960), Run, Hereditary, etc.?

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I challenged myself to fill a gap in my cinema history this month and watched Mommie Dearest. I was very familiar with the movie due to how many drag queens reference it and because of Joan Crawford’s villainous reputation. However, I had never seen it in its entirety before, which is weird because I write about my own maternal baggage often. Without ever seeing the film, I knew this movie, categorized as a drama, belonged under my favorite genre label. Some sources even try to meet in the middle and classify it as a psychological drama, which is a phrase that does a lot of heavy lifting to remove itself from what it actually is. After all, what else should we call a film about being abused by the person who should love us most other than horror?

Does Mommie Dearest Belong in the Horror Genre?

The horror umbrella is massive and encompasses many subgenres including thrillers, sci-fi, and even true crime. I like to quip that movies like Mommie Dearest and Priscilla belong to the latter category. I even point out they have final girls surviving their monsters, but like most jokes, there is a lot of hard truth behind that. To be clear, Mommie Dearest is highly contested even by Christina Crawford, who wrote the book about the abuse suffered at the hands of her alcoholic guardian. However, the fact remains that there is an abusive mother terrorizing children at the heart of the horror. This is a tale as old as time in the genre, and we see these themes of motherhood, mental illness, and generational trauma often. So, why do we typically forget this movie when discussing titles like Psycho (1960), Run, Hereditary, etc.?

Mommie Dearest recounts a version of Christina Crawford’s upbringing by Hollywood royalty Joan Crawford. It depicts her as an unstable, jealous, manipulative woman who only holds space for her beliefs. As with most abusive parents, she takes out her frustrations and feelings of inadequacy on those around her. Specifically, those who cannot fight back due to the power dynamics at play. This version of Joan is a vicious bully, which feels familiar for many people who grew up with an abusive parent. How many of us never knew what would set our parental monster off, so just learned to walk on eggshells? How many of us grew up believing we were the problem for way longer than we should have? How many of us normalized the abuse for so long that it carried over into adulthood, letting us believe being mistreated is just part of living?

Watch the trailer for Mommie Dearest

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The Lasting Impact of Abusive Parents in Horror Movies

While my mother wasn’t the active bully in our home, part of my struggle with her is her complicitness in the hell she helped create for all of us. Which is why, while I don’t think Mommie Dearest is a great film, I believe it’s a decent horror flick. It made me want to revisit a better movie, Umma, that also dealt with motherhood, mental illness, and trauma. Iris K. Shim’s 2022 PG-13 horror sees Sandra Oh playing a single mother who has not healed. After growing up with her own mother, who was especially cruel to her, she has built her world around that trauma and forced her daughter to live within its walls with her. As someone who was severely homeschooled by a woman who still really needs to find a therapist, Umma hits me in my feelings every time. 

Watch the trailer for Umma below

Maternal Monsters: A Common Thread in Psycho, Hereditary, and More

Before the film starts, Oh’s character, Amanda, has turned her back on her family and cultural heritage. She has built a life that she’s not really living as she hides in her home, afraid of electricity due to the abuse she suffered at the hands of her mom. So, when her uncle shows up with her mother’s ashes, she is triggered and haunted. All of the issues she hasn’t dealt with rush to the surface, manifesting in ways that begin turning her into her deceased mom. Amanda does eventually force herself to confront her past to avoid becoming her mother and hurting her daughter. So, while Umma is different from Mommie Dearest, it’s not hard to see they share some of the same DNA. Scary moms make the genre go round which is why movies like M.O.M. Mothers of Monsters, Serial Mom, Mother, May I?, and so many others will always pull an audience by naming the monster in the title.

I doubt I am the first person on Norma Bates’ internet to clock that some of horror’s most notorious villains are parents, specifically moms. I’m also sure I cannot be the first person to argue Mommie Dearest is a horror movie on many levels. After all, a large part of the rabid fanbase seems to be comprised of genre kids who grew up wondering why the film felt familiar. However, I hope I am the first to encourage you to watch these two movies if your momma trauma will allow you to hold space for a couple more monstrous mothers this month. Both have much to say about how we cope with the fallout of being harmed by the people who should keep us safe.

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